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What Up Baghdad?

MONDAY DECEMBER 3 2007 9:00 AM

Submitted by FearTheReaper. Edited By erin_broadley.

TAGS: Iraq War, Baghdad, Corruption, Surge



I don’t know if you’ve been reading the news lately, but we’ve basically won the war in Iraq. Yep, the surge has worked, Iraqi refugees are returning home in droves and all is well. So, I thought I should bring you up to date on some of the awesome news.

First, let’s start with the refugees returning. According to the Iraqi and US governments, 1,600 refugees are returning to Baghdad each day. Fucking sweet! We are winning!


Under intense pressure to show results after months of political stalemate, the government has continued to publicize figures that exaggerate the movement back to Iraq and Iraqis’ confidence that the current lull in violence can be sustained.


Boo. Liberal press, Democrats hate the troops, etc. You get what I’m trying to say.

Okay, so the number is apparently less than the reported 1,600 per day. And the government is not really keeping track of who the people are, so some of the returnees are actually terrorists, blah, blah, blah. The numbers a little off, right? I’m sure not by much.


Since Nov. 1, they said, the numbers have declined, and on Sunday morning, during a period when several buses used to appear, only one came.


Well, shit at least people are coming back, right? No matter how small the number, at least it’s positive!


The survey found that 46 percent were leaving because they could not afford to stay; 25 percent said they fell victim to a stricter Syrian visa policy; and only 14 percent said they were returning because they had heard about improved security.


Yeah, but, but..people are still living in Iraq. They are still there, you liberal fucks!


Furthermore, people are still leaving their homes — 28,017 were internally displaced in October, according to the latest United Nations figures. In all, the United Nations estimates that 2.4 million Iraqis are still internally displaced, with many occupying someone else’s home.


I’m just going to move on because naysayers and America haters have attacked this topic. The surge is working, which means Iraqi politicians can to come together and start hammering out solutions.


Sunni lawmakers walked out of Iraq's parliament Saturday, protesting what they called the house arrest of a prominent Sunni politician.

Ibrahim said members of three Sunni blocs in parliament walked out: Iraqi National Dialogue Front, the secular Sunni bloc called Iraqi List, and al-Dulaimi's main Sunni bloc, National Accord Front.


Well, who cares about the Sunnis? They are only like 2% of the population or something. At least now that the surge has worked, people can return to their normal lives.


Baghdad is facing a 'catastrophe' with cases of cholera rising sharply in the past three weeks to more than 100, strengthening fears that poor sanitation and the imminent rainy season could create an epidemic.


Honestly, why can’t we just focus on the surge and how great it is going? After four years of war, the sewer system is a bit fucked up, yes. Only 30 to 40 percent of Baghdad sewage pumps are working, which is better than zero. Come on, the glass is half full. Or 40% full.


Although US forces in Baghdad have found that security is improving, on daily patrols they face complaints from residents about streets plagued by piles of household waste and fetid cesspools, often near schools and where children are playing.

We estimate that only one in three Iraqi children can rely on a safe water source - with Baghdad and southern cities most affected.


Yes, but now we can actually fix the fucking problem, right?


Companies responsible for collecting waste and sewage have been reluctant to enter Baghdad's most violent areas.


Yes, yes, fine. But the surge is working and now we can fix everything. We just need the money to get the repairs done.


One recent independent analysis ranked Iraq the third most corrupt country in the world. Of 180 countries surveyed, only Somalia and Myanmar were worse, according to Transparency International.

And the extent of the theft is staggering. Some American officials estimate that as much as a third of what they spend on Iraqi contracts and grants ends up unaccounted for or stolen, with a portion going to Shiite or Sunni militias.


Granted that sounds bad, but less people are dying from bullets and bombs. How about somebody throw a smiley face around? Or put a fucking gold star on top of a report? Instead of all this dark cloud bullshit.


In addition, Iraq’s top anticorruption official estimated this fall — before resigning and fleeing the country after 31 of his agency’s employees were killed over a three-year period — that $18 billion in Iraqi government money had been lost to various stealing schemes since 2004.


Hello? Surge? Working?


One government worker, who goes by the name Abu Muhammad, said a senior administrator at the ministry where he worked recently sold off computers, laser printers, office furniture and other supplies that appeared to have been paid for with American aid. The official was never caught or prosecuted, he said.


So, now you are mad at some guy because he learned to be an entrepreneur? Really? That is pretty anti-American. Let’s just focus on one word: Surge. Okay? Good?


Many U.S. journalists believe coverage has painted too rosy a picture of the conflict.


Oh, fuck off. Liberal asshole reporters.


A majority of journalists surveyed say most of the country is too dangerous to visit. Nine out of ten say that about at least half of Baghdad itself. Wherever they go, traveling with armed guards and chase vehicles is the norm for more than seven out of ten surveyed.


Fine, you hate America. I get it. Anything else you want to throw in before you lose the war?


WHO places Infant Mortality above 110 deaths per 1,000 live births.


Blow me.

FearTheReaper is excited that Bush finally got around to doing what he should have done the first week. But four years is too late.

 

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Jacob_Dodd

Jacob_Dodd

Cypress, TX
November 2007

DEC 03, 2007 09:08 AM

I'm actually getting to the point where I'm feigning ignorance to the point that I outright deny the existence of the war at all.

Ignorance is bliss, right? Oh shit...that's like a republican campaign bumper sticker. I'm going to go admonish myself now...

*grumble* f##kin' war *mutter*

SatansPetCat

SatansPetCat

Bellevue, WA
January 2006

DEC 03, 2007 09:17 AM

FYI, the first thing my girlfriend and I do on Saturday morning every week is read the Asshole Fuckface Roundup. I ♥ U, FTR.

ANYWAY. I understand where you are coming from in this article... that the media is being fairly sensationalist regarding the fuck up that is Iraq. I still feel like we never should've been there in the first place. At the same time though, I agree with some of the sentiments expressed as sarcasm - not because we should be focusing mindlessly on stupid little 'buzz phrases' like 'The surge is working!', but that the problems you listed ARE fixable.

It's a tough place to be... because there is an end in sight, but it isn't soon and it isn't easy. What sucks the most is that even the limited glimpse of hope we're trying to see, one grounded in a bit more reality than conservative propoganda bullshit, might be totally fucked if our policy of pissing of the ENTIRE middle east continues unabated.

Chainlink

Chainlink

Christmas Island
August 2005

DEC 03, 2007 09:44 AM

Only 30 to 40 percent of Baghdad sewage pumps are working, which is better than zero. Come on, the glass is half full. Or 40% full.



a glass 40% full of shit is still a glass of shit.

SnowgodCCR

SnowgodCCR

Derry, NH
November 2006

DEC 03, 2007 10:00 AM

So instead of complaining about how horrifically violent it is there, and focusing on deaths and the like...they're now complaining about things like the streets being too dirty and rent being too high?
Somebody please explain to me (in a civilized way - not rip me a new one) how the iraqis not cleaning their streets and hosing people on rents is our fault?

smithers_jones

smithers_jones

Los Angeles, CA
November 2003

DEC 03, 2007 10:04 AM

Chainlink said:

Only 30 to 40 percent of Baghdad sewage pumps are working, which is better than zero. Come on, the glass is half full. Or 40% full.



a glass 40% full of shit is still a glass of shit.



Wait. If only 40% of the sewage pumps are working, wouldn't that mean the glass is 60% full of shit? Fuck. I just blew my mind, man.

FearTheReaper

FearTheReaper

NEWSWIRE

I'm lost

DEC 03, 2007 10:35 AM

SnowgodCCR said:
So instead of complaining about how horrifically violent it is there, and focusing on deaths and the like...they're now complaining about things like the streets being too dirty and rent being too high?
Somebody please explain to me (in a civilized way - not rip me a new one) how the iraqis not cleaning their streets and hosing people on rents is our fault?



surreal surreal surreal surreal surreal surreal

Zarth

Zarth

Seattle, WA
December 2004

DEC 03, 2007 10:42 AM

FearTheReaper said:

SnowgodCCR said:
So instead of complaining about how horrifically violent it is there, and focusing on deaths and the like...they're now complaining about things like the streets being too dirty and rent being too high?
Somebody please explain to me (in a civilized way - not rip me a new one) how the iraqis not cleaning their streets and hosing people on rents is our fault?


surreal surreal surreal surreal surreal surreal


Yeah, I kind of thought that that would be obvious to anyone who's been paying attention for the last four or five years, myself. But I'll happily refer Mr. CCR to Colin Powell's Pottery Barn soundbite and move on.

I think it's indisputable that conditions have improved in Iraq as a result of the Surge, at least, and I'm not inclined to downplay the significance or desirability of that. Whether or not the groundwork has been laid - or can be laid - for an enduring peace remains in question.

Honestly, I hope so. But I'm not terribly optimistic by nature, nor has this administration ever demonstrated that it has the competence for an undertaking of this complexity to be successful.

Formus

Formus

Milwaukee, WI
May 2007

DEC 03, 2007 10:49 AM

SnowgodCCR said:
So instead of complaining about how horrifically violent it is there, and focusing on deaths and the like...they're now complaining about things like the streets being too dirty and rent being too high?
Somebody please explain to me (in a civilized way - not rip me a new one) how the iraqis not cleaning their streets and hosing people on rents is our fault?



Wait...you clean your own street?

Jackie_Treehorn

Jackie_Treehorn

Seattle, WA
June 2004

DEC 03, 2007 10:54 AM

FearTheReaper said:

SnowgodCCR said:
So instead of complaining about how horrifically violent it is there, and focusing on deaths and the like...they're now complaining about things like the streets being too dirty and rent being too high?
Somebody please explain to me (in a civilized way - not rip me a new one) how the iraqis not cleaning their streets and hosing people on rents is our fault?



surreal surreal surreal surreal surreal surreal



Is this one of those times when it's funny to say "Whoosh!"???

Zarth

Zarth

Seattle, WA
December 2004

DEC 03, 2007 10:54 AM

Formus said:

SnowgodCCR said:
So instead of complaining about how horrifically violent it is there, and focusing on deaths and the like...they're now complaining about things like the streets being too dirty and rent being too high?
Somebody please explain to me (in a civilized way - not rip me a new one) how the iraqis not cleaning their streets and hosing people on rents is our fault?


Wait...you clean your own street?


Whenever he's not being shot at.

Formus

Formus

Milwaukee, WI
May 2007

DEC 03, 2007 10:56 AM

Zarth said:

Formus said:

SnowgodCCR said:
So instead of complaining about how horrifically violent it is there, and focusing on deaths and the like...they're now complaining about things like the streets being too dirty and rent being too high?
Somebody please explain to me (in a civilized way - not rip me a new one) how the iraqis not cleaning their streets and hosing people on rents is our fault?


Wait...you clean your own street?


Whenever he's not being shot at.


Or so he tells you.

skeeve

skeeve

Boston, MA
September 2006

DEC 03, 2007 10:57 AM

Formus said:

Zarth said:

Formus said:

SnowgodCCR said:
So instead of complaining about how horrifically violent it is there, and focusing on deaths and the like...they're now complaining about things like the streets being too dirty and rent being too high?
Somebody please explain to me (in a civilized way - not rip me a new one) how the iraqis not cleaning their streets and hosing people on rents is our fault?


Wait...you clean your own street?


Whenever he's not being shot at.


Or so he tells you.



I find that shooting at my neighbors can motivate them to clean my street for me. It is my street after all.

_Margot_

_Margot_

Santa Monica, CA
December 2007

DEC 03, 2007 11:00 AM

skeeve said:

Formus said:

Zarth said:

Formus said:

SnowgodCCR said:
So instead of complaining about how horrifically violent it is there, and focusing on deaths and the like...they're now complaining about things like the streets being too dirty and rent being too high?
Somebody please explain to me (in a civilized way - not rip me a new one) how the iraqis not cleaning their streets and hosing people on rents is our fault?


Wait...you clean your own street?


Whenever he's not being shot at.


Or so he tells you.



I find that shooting at my neighbors can motivate them to clean my street for me. It is my street after all.



Seriously. If you want things done quickly and properly. You need to shoot at people.

Formus

Formus

Milwaukee, WI
May 2007

DEC 03, 2007 11:01 AM

Kim Jong skeeve?

skeeve

skeeve

Boston, MA
September 2006

DEC 03, 2007 11:04 AM

All I'm saying is bullets speak louder than words.
Which is useful to remember when people are protesting your existence.
Just a few bullets and you won't even be able to hear them.
Try protesting your rent with a gun down your throat. It's not easy.

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