Republicans have been quite busy the past couple of years, with all their man-on-man fucking and trying to blow police officers in bathrooms, while trying to pass laws against man-on-man fucking and blowing police officers in bathrooms. But when Democrats stray from the path, they really do it in style. Take my latest hero, New Hampshire’s own Gary Dodds.

Last year Gary was running in the Democratic Primary for the 1st District Congressional seat when he had a horrible accident.

Yes, they found his car but poor Gary was gone. New Hampshire law enforcement, fire departments and the state’s Fish and Game officers were all mobilized to look for Gary. Surely his wife and two daughters were terrified.

It was an odd accident. Dodds’ Lincoln Continental was the only car involved and when Emergency Responders arrived, there was no driver to be found. Gary’s disappearance lasted for just over a day before he was located, under some leaves.

Thank God he was alive. Dodds spent a week in the hospital recovering from his horrible ordeal. But the police had some questions.

It is odd, especially since Dodds was a volunteer fireman.

Gary said he swerved to avoid a deer and crashed into the guardrail. The airbag hit him in the part of his body where he keeps his brain and he became disoriented, got out of his car, crossed the river and laid down in a pile of leaves a mile away from the crash - exactly what they say to do in fireman school. Poor Gary didn’t know why he crossed the river, walked a mile and fell into his pile of leaves, but he did tell the cops he “swam” across the river right after the accident.

But when the cops found him, he was not wet and he did not have frostbite on his hands or face. His shoes, however, were soaked. So much so, that when they took his shoes off water poured out, much the way it would if someone had JUST walked through water, instead of 24 hours before. The ground also did not have an indentation consistent with someone lying there for a day and a woman who lived near the river was outside when Gary said he crossed. She said he didn’t. And doctors said Gary could go home the next day, but he decided to stay for A WEEK, just to be sure. So, none of that looks good for our hero.

Turns out Dodds sort of faked the whole thing. Gary was arrested in April and charged with two misdemeanors.

Then, later in April he was charged with a felony.

Finally this week, we learned why Dodds faked the car accident, hid out for a day, then soaked his feet in a river and hid under a pile of leaves. To help his campaign! Duh. It’s called leadership.

Err, back up. I forgot to mention that before the accident the FCC was threatening to open an investigation into Gary because of “discrepancies in campaign finance reports." Oh, and he also took out a second mortgage on a house he owned with his wife without telling her.

I think I fucking love this man. This is the greatest Democrat in the history of our country. I don’t know how this plan did not work. It was fucking foolproof! Can't you just see the ad?

But in a bizarre twist, Gary did not win the election. Some lady did. Weird, right?