Asshole Fuckface Roundup #22

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Welcome to the Asshole Fuckface Roundup. Not many people know the origins of the Roundup. We have to go all the way back to Paris in the Year of our Lord one thousand three hundred and fourteen. As the Grand Master of the Knights Templar, Jacques de Molay, was being slowly burned at the stake by order of King Phillip IV, he is said to have only uttered one phrase: “Phillip is totally this week’s Asshole Fuckface.” Ever since that day, there has been a weekly Roundup. I search the news each week and unearth subhuman creatures for you to observe, poke at and mock. It is not easy; some would say I am cursed, yet I continue on. So, put on your ponchos, this is going to be ugly.

It seems every week the Pentagon is doing whatever it can to earn the label of Asshole Fuckface.

On Thanksgiving, it was revealed that the Pentagon has decided not to include soldiers who sustain a common and sometimes devastating injury during battle as “officially wounded.”

At least 20,000 U.S. troops who were not classified as wounded during combat in Iraq and Afghanistan have been found with signs of brain injuries, according to military and veterans records.

But, hey, it’s easy to undercount by 20,000. I did it yesterday when I was counting how many Advil I had left.

The Pentagon lists the number of troops who have sustained brain trauma during combat as 4,471 and the overall number of wounded is 30,327. Now tack on 20,000 soldiers who have sustained brain injuries and been left off the list and we are looking at 50,000.

It can be a brutal injury. Take Marine Lance Cpl. Gene Landrus, who was injured in a roadside bomb attack. He blacked out for a few seconds and when he came to, everything was moving in slow motion.

"I still can't remember what I did the day before or stuff that I did earlier in the day," he says. He carries a Palm Pilot or a pad of paper to write down orders, numbers or dates, so he can remember them later. The headaches have never gone away.

Landrus will never fully recover, says Jessica Martinez, his lead therapist at Scripps.

"This is basically like an invisible injury," she says. "He looks like a normal guy. … But if you spend any amount of time with him … you would be able to notice that something's really happened."

It is often missed on the battlefield because medics are trying to keep people alive and spend more time checking for holes than concussions. But that is no excuse for these soldiers not being included in the official statistics when the injuries are discovered later. That is just pure bullshit designed to hide the truth about the war and because of that decision, the Pentagon is officially an Asshole Fuckface organization.

What’s an Asshole Fuckface Roundup without Wal-Mart? Nothing, that’s what.

Meet 52-year-old Deborah Shank. She was a Wal-Mart employee who got into an accident with a semi. That usually does not go well and it didn’t for Deborah. She ended up with permanent brain damage and in a wheel chair. Thankfully, her Wal-Mart health insurance paid for her medical bills. But Deborah is going to need permanent care, so she sued the trucking company and ended up with $417,000 after legal fees. It was put into a trust to pay the nursing home that she now lives in.

Then Wal-Mart sued to get that money. After all, the Wal-Mart plan had paid for her medical bills, so it was theirs.

Two years ago, the retail giant's health plan sued the Shanks for the $470,000 it had spent on her medical care

Apparently this is a growing practice in our corporate world. They call it “subrogation” and claim it is a way to save money for everyone who is part of the health plan. The Supreme Court upheld the practice, so companies go after every poor injured bastard they can. Certainly Wal-Mart needs the money. Actually, they didn’t just want the money.

In August 2005, Wal-Mart re-emerged with a lawsuit against the Shanks demanding repayment for $469,216 in medical costs out of their settlement. It charged that the Shanks had violated the terms of the health plan by not reimbursing it. The company also demanded payment of legal fees and interest for the cost of suing the Shanks for the money.

Wow, that is nice. Wal-Mart was upset because the Shanks claimed the company was not entitled to the money because it went into a trust and not straight to the family. And for that they must pay.

The Shanks lost the case last year and appealed. Then their 18-year-old son died fighting in Iraq. Then they lost the appeal. That is a bad fucking year.

Mrs. Shank went to Jeremy's funeral. But because of memory problems due to her injuries, she gets confused about what happened. On a recent morning, she cried several times and asked what had happened to her middle son.

That just warms the heart, doesn’t it? The Shanks are continuing to appeal the verdict. Wal-Mart remains an Asshole Fuckface.

Next up, my favorite Democratic Asshole Fuckface is back!

You gotta love Rep. William J. Jefferson of Louisiana. In 2005 Jefferson was videotaped accepting $100,000 from an investor. The FBI then raided his home and found $90,000 in his freezer. Of course, that is not a good enough reason to throw the man out of Congress and the good people of Louisiana voted him back in office in a runoff election last December. Then in June, a federal grand jury indicted him on 16 charges related to corruption. He has been charged with receiving more than $500,000 in bribes and demanded millions of dollars more between 2000 and 2005. He could serve life in prison.

Mr. Jefferson Fuckface is a bonanza of corruption and this week we learned more!

The government alleges that in 2002 Jefferson, a Democrat, asked a lobbyist for a U.S. oil services company for payments of $10,000 a month for a family member. In exchange, Jefferson said he would help the company promote business in Africa. The lobbyist turned down the request, according to the document.

Hey, he was just trying to help out.

Jefferson later made a deal to urge NASA to do business with a U.S. rocket launch services and technology company, according to the filing. The company is accused of agreeing to pay Jefferson's family business and a relative in exchange for his help.

Just a day’s work.

The indictment spells out 11 separate bribery schemes in which Jefferson used his influence as co-chairman of the congressional Africa Investment and Trade Caucus to broker deals in Nigeria, Ghana, Cameroon and other African nations.

Uh, why the fuck would the Asshole Fuckfaces living in the 2nd district of Louisiana elect this guy back into office? Oh, right, they're also Asshole Fuckfaces. May he spend many, many years in prison.

Next up, the Asshole Fuckface roundup is always pleased to give our crazy religious friends the nod.

This week it is our good friends at Conservapedia, the conservative version of Wikipedia. Turns out Wikipedia was too biased because the truth can be found everywhere. The stated purpose of Conservapedia was to create “an encyclopedia written from the socially and economically conservative viewpoint supportive of Conservative Christianity.” (Lies.)

Conservapedia kicked off in November of 2006 and it has been kicking ass in a Jesus-like way. There are over 20,400 entries. Sorry, 20,400 “educational, clean, and concise” entries. Not going to find anything about dirty fucking on Conservapedia.

So, now that it’s been a year, let’s check out what the good conservative people of our great nation search for and read.

Most viewed pages:

Yep, that is clean and concise all right. I can picture thousands upon thousands of Christian Asshole Fuckfaces reading Conservapedia while shaking their heads in disgust and harshly gripping and tugging on their penis until it erupts. Seriously, just fuck a dude. You want it so bad it is insane.

And, uh, homosexuality and parasites? What the fuck?

Congrats to all of this weeks winners. You will be receiving a FearTheReaper silk tie in the mail.

web address: http://suicidegirls.com/news/politics/22709/