It is Saturday. All over the world, horrible people wake up and fear their name appear in the Asshole Fuckface Roundup. It has been this way for centuries and can be traced back to the time of Genghis Kahn, who it is said rose from his tent every morning and nervously checked the Interweb. He would then rise and scream, “I am not an Asshole Fuckface!” At least until the day that he was actually labeled an Asshole Fuckface. He then died of a broken heart. But enough of that sentimental bullshit, today I have dug up some amazing Asshole Fuckfacism. So, put on your plastic moo moos, this is going to get ugly.

First up, we head to the land of kangaroos and Asshole Fuckfaces.

Santas in Sydney have been told not to say, “Ho ho ho.” And the reasoning is wonderful.

Who the fuck thought this up? How many women issues do you have to have to be an Asshole Fuckface who thinks that a woman would misinterpret Santa’s classic catch phrase for an incredibly derogatory term? But at least the company who provides the Santas has come up with a good solution.

That makes me want to punch myself in my Santas. But, hey, at least they didn’t go with, “Twat, twat, twat.”

Of course a US firm employs the Santas. Sorry to get you involved in our insane “War on Christmas” Australia, but at least you’ll get a mention from Bill O’Reilly.

Next up we head to the cold, vampire soaked land of Alaska for a little Asshole Fuckface intrusion.

You can always count on PETA to make total asses out of themselves. This time they have decided to take on Alaska and their horrific eating habits. Yep, they don’t want Alaskans to eat…fish.

Seriously, this is like asking Ron Jeremy to not eat pussy. Did that get weird? Sorry.

PETA made a strong case against fish eating by traveling to Alaska with a “fish empathy quilt.” Congrats PETA, because nothing says empathy more than a fish quilt. I can’t imagine how many Alaskans took a look at that quilt and said, “Hey, I should give up centuries of tradition and eat more things that do not exist in this frozen wasteland.”

I will: You are Asshole Fuckfaces, PETA. I think there are some bigger fish to fry that what is happening in Alaska. (I am not proud of what happened there)

Next we move to Canada for some Mountie Asshole Fuckfacery.

This one is quite disturbing. In October, a 40-year-old Polish man flew to Canada, where he was going to live with his mother. Robert Dziekanski was not much of a traveler and rarely left his hometown Pieszyce, Poland. On this trip he would never make it out of the Vancouver airport.

Canadian authorities reported that they had to subdue a belligerent man with tasers, which led to his death.

Wouldn’t that be great if it was true? Well, not great, but you know what I mean. What actually occurred was a bit different. A mix up at the airport left Dziekanski waiting for 10 hours in a secure area. After waiting for him for hours and not receiving any help from immigration officials, his mother left. Apparently no one noticed he was waiting in the secure area, so he started to throw a tantrum. He threw a couple of chairs and a computer. Dude was pissed and rightfully so. He went a bit overboard, but who can’t understand his plight? Dziekanski can’t communicate with language and he has never traveled to another country. Now he is being held in a pen for 10 hours. Might as well start throwing shit.

What to do now? You’re an international airport employee, maybe you should have a phone list with interpreters on it. Instead, police were called.

This is where the police story and the real story differ quite a bit. Turns out someone video taped the entire episode. When the police arrive, Dziekanski turns around and puts his hands above his head. The Mounties respond by shooting him with a Taser gun. They took all of 24 seconds to make that decision. 10 hours of built up frustration vs. 24 seconds. Nice work boys. Two minutes later and a few more tasers Dziekanski was dead.

The video was just released. Here it is, if you are interested in watching a man needlessly die.



Well that was a bummer, so how about I cheer you up with some good, old-fashioned Asshole Fuckface southern racism?

A white Louisiana state representative thought it would be a good idea to drop a little racism just a week before an election. Democrat Carla Blanchard Dartez had a conversation with a 75-year-old civil rights veteran that did not end well.

Oops. Boykin was active in the 1960s, helping to desegregate restaurants and schools. Her son is president of the Terrebonne Parish chapter of the NAACP. And she did not enjoy being called “Buckwheat.”

Well, maybe there was some sort of argument or something.

Oh. I have to say that is not a good way to thank someone. Dartez apologized and said she did not mean to offend Boykin. She has not dropped out of the race, which is being held today! Yay for Asshole Fuckfacery!

Next up, we travel to the bizarre and crazy world of Kentucky for some classic Asshole Fuckface behavior.

On November 5th, “homemaker” Linda Long was enjoying a church service in London, Kentucky by holding a rattlesnake. Linda was apparently full of evil or some shit because the yellow timber rattler bit her on the right cheek. That is actually the main reason you should not hold them in your hands.

Long was taken to Marymount Medical Center for treatment of the wound that God inflicted upon her for being impure. Long died and now her family is suing the hospital. We should definitely believe the family over the hospital, because they hold deadly vipers for God.

Uh huh. I realize you guys maybe don’t know anything because you just read the one book, but medical personnel have to ask many questions that you, being a snake holding retard, might view as unimportant, but may actually end up saving a life. In this case it didn't, because your daughter was bit in the face by a lethal snake she was waving around in front her head.

The family also claims that hospital employees made fun of them.

Well, fuck yes. She held a deadly viper in her hands in an attempt to prove that God thought she was nifty. God said, “Nope.” Or at least that is what your lunatic religion believes. In reality, she was betting she was immune to the forces of nature and nature ate her cheek.

I’m going to go ahead and guess the doctor went to medical school and you just read the one book. Also, you guys hold snakes, so shut the fuck up.

First of all, God hated her. Second, her heart stopped. She didn’t die from a lack of oxygen. She died because SHE HELD A FUCKING POISONIOUS SNAKE NEAR HER HEAD.

Well, if they win, maybe the Asshole Fuckfaces can get enough snakes to fill a pool and go rattler diving.

And finally, a special shout out to Asshole Fuckface favorites Fox News.



Look, Nancy Pelosi is responsible for gas prices! What a horrible woman!

Congrats to all of this weeks winners. You are fantastic Asshole Fuckfaces and you will each receive a FearTheReaper lack of empathy quilt.