Saturday. Vlad the Impaler said just before he died that the reason he committed such heinous acts was because he wanted to make it into the Asshole Fuckface Roundup, just once. When told it did not exist yet, he slumped and said, “Son of a bitch. What a waste.” Vlad was way ahead of his time, but luckily for this week’s Asshole Fuckfaces, they are not. Every week I drag my way through the news to find the worst of the worst, the sub humans, the monsters and then I deliver them to you on a silver platter (also known as a titty site). So, put on your raincoat, because this is going to be ugly.

If you are a white person and you think it is okay to put on blackface for Halloween, then you can expect forever to be known as an Asshole Fuckface.

Unfortunately, we don’t know the name of this Asshole Fuckface because the Department of Homeland Security won’t release it. Yeah, he’s an employee of the Department of Homeland Security. What else would he be?

So offensive that she decided to smile as she had a picture taken with the “offensive” man. Also, Julie, if it was so offensive, why were you one of three judges who “praised the costume for originality?” The photo was originally posted online, but was quickly removed after other employees complained

So what did dude dress up as? A prisoner! He wore a classic stripped prison outfit, had dreadlocks and…darkened his skin with make up. Because all prisoners are black! I did mention he is a white guy, right?

Best of all was the reason for the party: It was a fundraiser for the Combined Federal Campaign, a government collection of charities. Nothing says “Charity” like blackface!

Julia Myers is still waiting for the Senate to confirm her to be the head of ICE. They have yet to do so because her Dad used to be the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff and America is a bit tired of Bush giving jobs to people who don’t deserve them.

This next Asshole Fuckface story scares me.

It scares me because robots scare me. They are all Asshole Fuckfaces. Sure, a lot of you are going to read this and say, “Hey, robots are okay.” Really? Have you ever seen a fucking movie? They are all going to kill us, first chance they get, especially when we make them medical slaves.

That is what is going on in the futuristic world of Louisville, Kentucky.

RUN!

Ugh. The last thing I want to see when I am sick is a robot. Just kill me. Apparently the robots are going to become a common site, allowing doctors to observe patient monitors, check heart rates, blood pressure and read sonograms. There are 130 medical robots in use worldwide.

Really? What about when the robot wants a vacation or is tired of doing the bidding of its flesh and bone masters? What about when it gives our Mom an overdose of methadone? Robots will kill us all and they will always be Asshole Fuckfaces.

Next up, an old favortie: FEMA. The great thing about FEMA is that they are constantly producing Asshole Fuckfaces. Sometimes it seems that FEMA is the source of Asshole Fuckfaces

FEMA sent hundreds of thousands of trailers to the victims of Hurricane Katrina who had lost their homes. People continue to live in the trailers, years after the storm, because they still do not have homes to go back to. Unfortunately, people living in the trailers have been getting sick because of excessive formaldehyde levels.

The formaldehyde problem is so bad that FEMA does not want employees entering the trailers after people have moved out. They don't care about the people still living in the trailers, they just don't want FEMA employees to step inside for a moment and get a tummy ache.

Nice. That is some quality work, right there.

Hey, whoa, Mr. Liberal. FEMA says that isn’t so. The Asshole Fuckfaces at FEMA are now claiming that the emails were only about trailers that people don’t live in, the ones that are sealed in storage.

Of course, back in July, FEMA told Congress that they would begin to “study” the toxic formaldehyde issue. Now it is November and they have not tested a single trailer. Not one. That’s how they know there is not formaldehyde in the trailers people are living in, because they have not checked. Fucking Asshole Fuckfaces

Next up, if you bite off part of someone’s face, you are always going to find yourself on the Asshole Fuckface Roundup.

Laura Cutler and her ex-boyfriend, Thomas Brummel, were making out at their home south of Seattle on Wednesday. They kissed for a while and it apparently got hot because she bit off his lip and spat it out. She must be a hellcat in the sack!

That is a very bad kisser.

Shockingly, Cutler was drunk when the cops arrived. The couple lives with two other people and they are all recovering from drug addiction. It is a “clean and sober” home, as well as a “bottom lipless” home. The other roommates did not see the attack.

Cutler has been charged with second-degree domestic-violence assault and been named as an Asshole Fuckface.

My final Asshole Fuckface of the week has actually, for the first time, left me without words.

I can’t even congratulate this week’s Asshole Fuckfaces after that. No one gets a prize.

Tomorrow there will be a special Asshole Fuckface Writer’s Strike Edition.