You lucky sons of bitches. It’s Saturday, the day our Lord Jesus Christ came down from the mountain in his silk robe and fuzzy slippers and said, “Let there be an Asshole Fuckface Roundup.” Then he pointed at Luke and burped. True story. Now, here we are, three or four hundred years later and I am the vessel of Jesus, providing you with your weekly dose of the Asshole Fuckface Roundup. I pour over the news all week to find the biggest Asshole Fuckfaces out there and I deliver them on a platter, just as Jesus would have wanted. So, put on your favorite rubber apron, it’s going to get messy.

We’re going to start in California, where fire was invented and that made some Asshole Fuckfaces do bad things.

FEMA. Ordinarily I could just stop there, but today I’m going to go on. Apparently, FEMA has figured out where they went wrong during the Hurricane Katrina fiasco: Media control.

On Tuesday, deputy administrator Harvey Johnson held a news briefing about all the fine work FEMA was doing in California. FEMA told reporters about the briefing a full 15 minutes before it started and gave them an 800 number to call. Of course, that 800 number was a “listen only” line, so they were not allowed to ask questions.

Fuck, did it go smooth. Johnson gave an overview of what was going on and then he took a few questions. He responded to each question eloquently. It seemed like a good time was being had by all.

Nicely done. But it seemed a bit odd to the reporters listening on the line. Why all the easy and oddly familiar questions? Why was the media letting Johnson ramble on forever about how great FEMA was responding? Why was everyone being so nice? Oh, because there were no reporters there. Turns out the “briefing” was all FEMA employees, playing “press conference.” There was not one reporter in the entire place. Yay, America!

It looked good on TV, though. Fox News, MSNBC and other news channels carried it live. Now FEMA is apologizing to anyone who will listen, because they know they’ve done something bad if people tell them. That's what happens if you don't have a soul.

And what’s a disaster without President Bush acting like a dick? At his press conference he took a swipe at the Governor of Louisiana, while hailing the leadership of Arnold.

Oh, snap. And who wasn’t willing to lead, huh? The Democratic governor of Louisiana, maybe? Bush is a fucking child. Excuse me, Asshole Fuckface child. A couple thousand people lost their homes, several dead and he’s taking swipes at a Democrat in a state where he was greatly responsible for a horrible response…two fucking years ago.

And there were even more Asshole Fuckfaces showing their true colors during the fires.

A couple returned from their honeymoon just two hours before their home burned down. They rushed in and grabbed what they could, but they did not have much time. The next day, they called AT&T to tell them their house burned down and they needed to cancel their service.



That is some awesome customer service. Certainly wouldn’t want to give anyone who lost their home a break, like knocking the price down a bit. Nope. AT&T is the worst company in the world, Asshole Fuckfaces of the highest caliber. Do you hear me, Steve Jobs?

And why stop there with the Asshole Fuckfaces who were total dicks during the crisis?

How about Vice President Dick Asshole Fuckface? The President and his cabinet were being briefed on the California fires but poor Dick was apparently not all that interested.



I’m sure if he had heard Fox News say that al Qaeda was behind the fires, he would have been able to stay awake. But on a more positive note, maybe he is getting closer to death.

Okay, enough with the fires, there are many more Asshole Fuckfaces running around.

Like Pennsylvania, where the Department of State has decided not to publicize their list of polling places for elections. Why? The Goddamn terrorists, that’s why! Everyone knows terrorists want to blow up polling places. They are target number one, especially if you are retarded.

Oh, right. The bombings in Spain, that went off and killed many people in…train stations. That is where people vote in Spain, I guess.

What a surprise. Nicely done, Pennsylvania, you are a giant Asshole Fuckface. But, I guess whatever it takes to make it difficult for people to find where they should vote. Democracy in action!

It is always great to end the Asshole Fuckface Roundup with a guy who pees on dying people.

I take you to England: Home of awful people. Take Anthony Anderson, he’s a former soldier and is also a member of the Asshole Fuckface hall of fame. Anthony received the honor for his actions back in July.

He was celebrating his birthday in Hartlepool with some friends, when they stumbled across 50-year-old Christine Lakinski. She was lying in the street, after falling and hitting her head while walking home. Christine also had physical and learning disabilities. So, what to do? If you’re a normal human being, you call an ambulance. But, if you’re an Asshole Fuckface, you do something entirely different.

Make that at least two Asshole Fuckfaces, because one friend was filming and enjoying the show.

Ah, to be young again, roaming the streets, shitting and peeing on dying people. Those were the days.

Anderson and his friends went on their way, but did manage to call an ambulance twenty minutes later. It’s called “Asshole Fuckface remorse” and it commonly only strikes 20 minutes after you have done something horrible.

Anderson was sentenced to three years in the big house this week. Lakinski died of pancreatic failure in the street that night.

Congrats to all of this week’s Asshole Fuckfaces. You are a fine group of horrible people and will each receive a FearTheReaper travel alarm clock!