I hate to break the news to all of you politics junkies who’ve been amusing yourselves by debating issues like “Just how evil is Hillary Clinton?”, “Does Obama have enough experience to be President?” and “Who’s crazier, Mike Gravel, Ron Paul or Dennis Kucinich?” over the past year, but as of this week, the winner of the 2008 United States Presidential election has been decided.

It’s done. Over. Feel free to go through the sham of having a series of primaries and caucuses, and even the pretense of a general election, but the end result has been pre-ordained.

No, not because the Bush administration has started the ball rolling on some complex “false flag” operation to orchestrate a massive terrorist strike inside the United States and thus declare martial law and suspend elections indefinitely. It’s not because the true nature of the corporate two-party duopoly means that nothing will ever really change unless there’s, like, a revolution, man. It has nothing to do with Skull & Bones, the Illuminati, the Federal Reserve, some crappy YouTube video, or that secret UFO base inside the Earth’s core.

It’s because of one man.

Chuck Norris.

On Sunday, Mr. Norris delivered a roundhouse kick to the pudgy midsection of the American electoral process by declaring that his choice for our next president is former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee.

Some of you may be saying “Wait, Chuck Norris? That guy from Walker, Texas Ranger (or Delta Force, depending on how old you are)? Since when did he have the power to determine our next president?”

That’s the reaction I had, shortly before I interrupted my daily Internet browsing routine of searching for new LOLcats and downloading terabytes of lesbian clown porn to do a bit of research on Chuck Norris. I quickly discovered that over the past few years he’s become a modern-day Paul Bunyan, capable of miraculous feats of strength, most of which involve killing people. Buying penis enlargement pills from Russian websites taught me the valuable lesson that everything on the Internet is 100% true, so if Chuck Norris can both run around the Earth so fast he can punch himself in the back of his own head and disprove the so-called scientific theory of evolution, do you really think he can’t kick the Electoral College’s ass? Have you seen how out of shape the average delegate is these days?

If you want further proof of how Chuck Norris can single-handedly determine the outcome of the upcoming election, you need only read his endorsement of Huckabee to find examples of how he’s managed to use his karate skills to alter history itself.

Take that, Thomas Jefferson and the version of the New Testament you edited to exclude all mention of Jesus’ divinity, miracles and resurrection! Better luck next time, Treaty Of Tripoli and Article VI of the Constitution! Chuck Norris has just punched the space-time continuum so fucking hard that you’re now examples of the Founding Fathers standing up against secularism! By the time you read this, the Constitution will have pissed itself with fear and then spontaneously re-written itself to be chock full of Jesus references.

Not only that, but did you know that Chuck Norris can single-handedly re-define the standards by which a political candidate is judged?

Ouch! Before Chuck Norris kicked me in the brain with his words, I was backwards enough to consider that people applying for a job should be judged based on how well they might perform the tasks that job requires. Once the swelling goes down, I’ll be sure to judge them by how nice they are as people.

Some of you may be a bit reluctant to accept Huckabee as our next president. Perhaps you’re a godless homo-loving terrorist-fellating pinko who doesn’t think legalized abortion is like the Holocaust or that encouraging condom use to help prevent AIDS is like telling an abusive husband “don’t hit quite as hard”. Or, speaking of godless homo-loving pinkos, you may just think he can’t beat Rudy Giuliani in the GOP primaries:

Remember, polls don’t matter when it comes to electing a president, since in the end he’s appointed by God. Or in this case, Chuck Norris.

I know, I’m being redundant.

So feel free to continue to pretend that the 2008 Presidential election isn’t a foregone conclusion. I’m going to be pro-active and spend the next year preparing for President Huckabee’s first term. Not by fleeing to Canada early to beat the traffic, but by hiring a karate expert to roundhouse kick me in the head once a day.

Because Chuck Norris has taught me that the more often you’re kicked in the head, the better the phrase “President Huckabee” sounds.