Worst Thing Ever: Insect Robots

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I hate bugs and I hate robots. Now some asshole seems to have created insect robots. Why don’t they just blow up the planet? Robots are pure evil and in case anyone hasn’t noticed movies over the past few decades, they will eventually kill us all. It’s inevitable, especially when you make them small and give them wings. Unfortunately, protesters claim the winged bot demons are here.

"I heard someone say, 'Oh my god, look at those,' " the college senior from New York recalled. "I look up and I'm like, 'What the hell is that?' They looked kind of like dragonflies or little helicopters. But I mean, those are not insects."

"I'd never seen anything like it in my life," the Washington lawyer said. "They were large for dragonflies. I thought, 'Is that mechanical, or is that alive?' "

They are alive and mechanical. They are “robotic fliers” and they are going to kill you. The insect drones are high-tech surveillance tools that have been seen at political protests in Washington and New York. Although, no agency has claimed the robobugs.

No agency admits to having deployed insect-size spy drones. But a number of U.S. government and private entities acknowledge they are trying. Some federally funded teams are even growing live insects with computer chips in them, with the goal of mounting spyware on their bodies and controlling their flight muscles remotely.

Uh, what? After I finish this article, I’m going to blow my brains out. I figure it will be more pleasant than the coming insect robot revolution. I always pictured fighting for my life in storm drains, using my warning cats (I like cats) to alert me to intrusive robots. But those robots are supposed to be large and take the shape of humans. Sure, there would be the occasional spider shaped robot, crawling around with a video camera, but my cats would quickly destroy them. Flying insect robots obviously fuck up everything. Now a robot just flies into my storm drain, armed with its tiny stinger full of deadly poison. Or worse, a substance that only paralyzes my cats and me. Then the humanoid robots just saunter in, take me back to the lab and attempt to manpregnate me with cyborgs. Totally fucked up.

Some, however, do not believe that the tiny airborne robots exist.

The technical challenges of creating robotic insects are daunting, and most experts doubt that fully working models exist yet.

"If you find something, let me know," said Gary Anderson of the Defense Department's Rapid Reaction Technology Office.

Actually, you’ll know because one will have flown into your ear and taken control of you body. Idiot.

The CIA developed the “insectothopter” in the 70’s. It used a tiny gasoline engine, four wings and looked like a dragonfly. But it was taken out of commission because it couldn’t handle crosswinds. And that was the seventies! Of course they have tiny flying robots now.

Even more disturbing, we have created “cyborg insects.”

In one approach, researchers funded by the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency are inserting computer chips into moth pupae -- the intermediate stage between a caterpillar and a flying adult -- and hatching them into healthy "cyborg moths."

Great. Just fucking great. We have cameras everywhere, constantly watching people, but I never thought I would have to be concerned about tiny flying cameras. This brings surveillance to an entirely different level. We here in America tend to value our privacy and I’m pretty sure the Founding Fathers never covered flying insect robots in The Constitution. I don’t think Thomas Jefferson ever looked at James Madison and said,

Welcome to the invasion of privacy insect robot era. It's not goint to be pretty. I’ve been violated too many times by regular bugs and understand how intrusive they can be. I give it 30 years before we are a slave race working for insect robots.


FearTheReaper does not welcome our new insectobot warlords.

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