Every week I scour the news to find the worst of the worst for you. This week I bring you something special. You are about to read a classic Asshole Fuckface Roundup, if I do say so myself. So put on your face visor and get out your rubber gloves, because this one is going to get nasty.

I’m going to start with what may be my favorite asshole fuckface story of all time. Oh, sweet Jesus, it is delicious.

Senator Susan Collins of Maine is in some deep shit. She is running for re-election next year and is a New England Republican. There aren’t many of them around anymore. She votes the way Bush wants her to, especially when it comes to the war. That makes her a serious Democratic target.

So, how is Collins going after her opponent? His voting record!

Oh, no. 129 votes! What a douche bag. She neglects to say that gives Allen a 98% attendance record, but what the heck, it’s an election!

The Maine GOP wanted to get in on the action and last week they sent out a press statement titled, “Welcome back to work, Tom Allen.”

Oh, fuck. Slama Jama! How you gonna answer that question, Tom? Huh, you flakey bitch! Turns out Tom answered the question very quietly, by having an aide phone the Maine GOP that afternoon. Insert balls in vice and….

Also, ahem, we are huge asshole fuckfaces.

Representative Darrell Issa is an awesome individual. He is the man who got the ball rolling on the recall of California Governor Gray Davis, which led to my state being governed by a giant embarrassment named Arnold. Issa was then rewarded with enormous support by Republicans and won himself a seat in the House.

Issa has a classy background. He has been arrested for stealing a car, convicted of possessing an unregistered gun, charged but not convicted of faking the theft of his own Mercedes for insurance money, and accused of carrying a gun into an office when he fired an employee. So, making a veiled threat against Representative Henry Waxman is not a surprise.

Uh, what? So, Waxman should not investigate mercenaries who seem to have just murdered a bunch of Iraqis because they might kill him if he goes to Iraq? And you’re a Representative in the House? Not a member of the mafia? Congrats, Darrell Issa, you just made the Asshole Fuckface Roundup! I can’t believe it took this long!

Just when I think the people at the White House can’t act like bigger asshole fuckfaces, they go and surprise me.

The British have pulled out of Basra and it appears they will withdraw their remaining 4,500 troops from Iraq next year. To date, 170 Britons have sacrificed their lives in the conflict.

But now that Britain has pulled out of Basra, the White House has decided to show their true colors and act like asshole fuckfaces. A senior White House foreign policy official broke down how the administration feels about the British soldier’s sacrifice.

Wow. Somebody just made the Asshole Fuckface Hall of Fame. The gall of these people is astounding. All I can do is wish eternal suffering on everyone involved in this administration. And remember, when MoveOn criticizes a general, the are disgusting.

Finally, nothing will land you on the Asshole Fuckface Roundup faster than fucking over our troops.

2,600 members of the Minnesota National Guard spent a delightful 22 months in Iraq. 729 days to be exact. They had been deployed longer than any other combat unit in Iraq and were extended due to President Moron’s surge. Upon returning, several expected to take advantage of the GI bill. Platoon leader John Hobot was one.

Ha! That’s cute. This is America, John, where we fuck over our troops after we’re done with them. The government is now refusing to pay their education benefits because the soldiers came in one day under the requirement. Turns out the poor bastards needed 730 days on tour. Sorry.

The soldiers believe the Pentagon “deliberately” wrote their orders for 729 days instead of 730 to fuck them out of their education benefits, which would have been an extra $500 to $800 a month. Minnesota lawmakers are putting pressure on the asshole fuckfaces at the Pentagon to rectify the situation.

Congrats to all of this weeks asshole fuckfaces! You guys totally deserve it and you will all recieve a pair of FearTheReaper wrist bands!