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  • SUNDAY SEPTEMBER 9 2007 9:00 AM

War Against Polar Bears Almost Over

Submitted by FearTheReaper

Edited by erin_broadley

Tags: Polar Bears, Arctic Ice Cap, Greenhouse Effect



Our war against evil polar bears should be wrapped up by 2050, according to scientists. That is the projected year that there will be very, very, few polar bears on the Earth. Then we will have to deal with a massive seal explosion, but bats are being prepared as I write.


Two-thirds of the world’s polar bears will disappear by 2050, even under moderate projections for shrinking summer sea ice caused by greenhouse gases in the atmosphere, government scientists reported on Friday.


I guess Coke will have to find a new mascot, which is upsetting.

The US Geological Survey created the report, which is part of a review to determine whether or not polar bears should be put on the Endangered Species List. Currently there are 22,000 polar bears running around the planet, murdering things. But as temps heat up, sea ice melts and polar bears die.


The scientists concluded that, while the bears were not likely to be driven to extinction, they would be largely relegated to the Arctic archipelago of Canada and spots off the northern Greenland coast, where summer sea ice tends to persist even in warm summers like this one, a shrinking that could be enough to reduce the bear population by two-thirds.


Yes! It will like we have created polar bear quarantines, which they deserve because they are similar to lepers. Except they kill with their giant paws and gnashing teeth, instead of an infectious disease. Thankfully, there will be no polar bears in Alaska, which means no polar bears in America.

Regardless of what action the world’s governments decide to take on greenhouse gases, the Arctic ice cap will continue to shrink for the next 50 years, so the bears are fucked. This summer the ice shrank faster than any year since satellite tracking began in 1979.


A spokeswoman for the White House declined to comment on the report, saying it was part of decision making at the Interior Department, parent of the survey.


The Fish and Wildlife Service will determine whether or not the polar bear will be placed on the Endangered Species list in January.

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Comments
naveed

naveed

Calgary, AB
January 2005

SEP 09, 2007 12:17 PM

i think we should install a large refrigerator over Nunavut, that should solve all the problems. we could move them to the south pole too, i hear that place gets kinda nippy at times.

BlastProcessing

BlastProcessing

USA
OLD SKOOL

SEP 09, 2007 01:07 PM

naveed said:
i think we should install a large refrigerator over Nunavut, that should solve all the problems. we could move them to the south pole too, i hear that place gets kinda nippy at times.



Physics notwithstanding.

Saraphine

Saraphine

SUICIDEGIRL

Pennsylvania, USA

SEP 09, 2007 01:18 PM

BlastProcessing said:

Saraphine said:
This is a sad, sad thing. I'm still wondering about the bats. Do they kill seals? Was it a joke I simply didn't understand?



Seal clubs.



OH those kinds of bats....sick

OrderedChaos

OrderedChaos

United Kingdom
September 2007

SEP 09, 2007 01:20 PM

What's with the little anti-polar bear vibe going on in this thread? They live in the freezing cold so, as humans, what difference does that make to us? Do all you polar bear haters live in places where the polar bear population's so out of control that it's a problem for you?. They're not like brown bears who (I'm told) terrorise certain suburbs. It's sad that we continue to screw our planet because the human animal is superior to any other, no matter the cost to anything. frown Am I the only one here who's figured it this way?

dholokov

dholokov

Toronto, ON
April 2003

SEP 09, 2007 01:35 PM

orderedchaos said:
What's with the little anti-polar bear vibe going on in this thread? They live in the freezing cold so, as humans, what difference does that make to us? Do all you polar bear haters live in places where the polar bear population's so out of control that it's a problem for you?. They're not like brown bears who (I'm told) terrorise certain suburbs.



The war on polar bears is in fact masterminded from Churchill, Manitoba.

Check out this film of repatriation of prisoners of war, and reconnaisance against bears. (Scroll down to "Week of Nov. 22, 2005, "Rick's Visit to Churchill).

OpenStatic

OpenStatic

I'm lost
December 2005

SEP 09, 2007 02:11 PM

One of the most certian patterns in nature is for everything to have a beggining and an end... a birth and a death...

therefore is it not natural for a animal species to have a beggining and an end?

I am beginning to wonder at what point will enviromental changes impact our existance... Over the past severals months I have beggan to notice more and more people sneezing... and I now randomly sneeze at least once a day...

http://soundmedicine.iu.edu/segment.php4?seg=288

I am starting to think about tracking my sneezes to see how much they increase over time... maybe plot them on a scale or graph...

I am wondering if it is do to changing substances in the air... dangerouse algy bloom spores increasing, or the change of php balance in the oceans, etc.

any ways in the end no one gets out alive... we all die in the end...

Huzzah

Huzzah

Guilford, CT
October 2006

SEP 09, 2007 02:51 PM

shapeshifter23 said:
*sigh*... FTR, your sense of irony is beginning to wear thinner than the Arctic ice shelf...



I'm glad I'm not the only one thinking this.

Zarth

zarth

Seattle, WA
December 2004

SEP 09, 2007 02:56 PM

Huzzah said:

shapeshifter23 said:
*sigh*... FTR, your sense of irony is beginning to wear thinner than the Arctic ice shelf...


I'm glad I'm not the only one thinking this.


Half the site has been thinking this since FTR started writing articles. I used to think it myself, but then I found he started growing on me. Like intestinal polyps.

Colinism

Colinism

Atlanta, GA
July 2005

SEP 09, 2007 03:18 PM

Downside horrible bear deaths, upside they won't actually go extinct. So it's tragic that so many will die but there are much better things we could devote our time and energy to like say renewable and cleaner sources of energy. I really hate articles and stories about things like this because they distract people away from what needs to be done alot of resources get wasted each year on things like this.

ardour

ardour

Ottawa, ON
March 2006

SEP 09, 2007 03:37 PM

OpenStatic said:
One of the most certian patterns in nature is for everything to have a beggining and an end... a birth and a death...

therefore is it not natural for a animal species to have a beggining and an end?



Sure. But Polar Bears are kind of cool and future generations might like to give them a look.



Holdenwrites

Holdenwrites

Miami, FL
December 2004

SEP 09, 2007 03:58 PM

My friend talked about fighting a polar bear with a samurai sword for years.

It appears that the dream will have to die.

SockPuppet

SockPuppet

I'm lost
July 2006

SEP 09, 2007 04:12 PM

orderedchaos said:
What's with the little anti-polar bear vibe going on in this thread? They live in the freezing cold so, as humans, what difference does that make to us? Do all you polar bear haters live in places where the polar bear population's so out of control that it's a problem for you?. They're not like brown bears who (I'm told) terrorise certain suburbs. It's sad that we continue to screw our planet because the human animal is superior to any other, no matter the cost to anything. frown Am I the only one here who's figured it this way?



It looks like weakness to me... our "superiority" isn't strong enough to let other life alone (plants, animals, humans).

Azkadellia

Azkadellia

South Haven, MI
April 2007

SEP 09, 2007 04:20 PM

xazapdmytinu said:
Serves them right! didn't they know that the color white belongs to our good christian nation!? wink

there's a "Lost" reference in here somewhere too, but I haven't even had my coffee yet so it falls to someone else.



Here, I'll do it for you: Not if they learn to live in tropical rain forests and eat fish biscuits! Then they will conquer the world!!! BWHAHAHAH!

spyder13

spyder13

San Francisco, CA
October 2006

SEP 09, 2007 04:35 PM

This angers me. Save the planet; kill the humans!!

FearTheReaper

FearTheReaper

NEWSWIRE

I'm lost

SEP 09, 2007 06:11 PM

Huzzah said:

shapeshifter23 said:
*sigh*... FTR, your sense of irony is beginning to wear thinner than the Arctic ice shelf...



I'm glad I'm not the only one thinking this.



You two should really stop reading my articles. If I don't like something, I avoid it. Not hard, is it?

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