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  • SUNDAY SEPTEMBER 9 2007 9:00 AM

War Against Polar Bears Almost Over

Submitted by FearTheReaper

Edited by erin_broadley

Tags: Polar Bears, Arctic Ice Cap, Greenhouse Effect



Our war against evil polar bears should be wrapped up by 2050, according to scientists. That is the projected year that there will be very, very, few polar bears on the Earth. Then we will have to deal with a massive seal explosion, but bats are being prepared as I write.


Two-thirds of the world’s polar bears will disappear by 2050, even under moderate projections for shrinking summer sea ice caused by greenhouse gases in the atmosphere, government scientists reported on Friday.


I guess Coke will have to find a new mascot, which is upsetting.

The US Geological Survey created the report, which is part of a review to determine whether or not polar bears should be put on the Endangered Species List. Currently there are 22,000 polar bears running around the planet, murdering things. But as temps heat up, sea ice melts and polar bears die.


The scientists concluded that, while the bears were not likely to be driven to extinction, they would be largely relegated to the Arctic archipelago of Canada and spots off the northern Greenland coast, where summer sea ice tends to persist even in warm summers like this one, a shrinking that could be enough to reduce the bear population by two-thirds.


Yes! It will like we have created polar bear quarantines, which they deserve because they are similar to lepers. Except they kill with their giant paws and gnashing teeth, instead of an infectious disease. Thankfully, there will be no polar bears in Alaska, which means no polar bears in America.

Regardless of what action the world’s governments decide to take on greenhouse gases, the Arctic ice cap will continue to shrink for the next 50 years, so the bears are fucked. This summer the ice shrank faster than any year since satellite tracking began in 1979.


A spokeswoman for the White House declined to comment on the report, saying it was part of decision making at the Interior Department, parent of the survey.


The Fish and Wildlife Service will determine whether or not the polar bear will be placed on the Endangered Species list in January.

 

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Comments
yurei

YUREI

Japan
June 2006

SEP 09, 2007 09:07 AM

Damn, that is so sad, polar bears are so beautiful... frown

SonOfAPunk

SonOfAPunk

Maple Ridge, BC
January 2006

SEP 09, 2007 09:09 AM

Ah, Colbert...

The fight is almost over, my friend.

Soon, we will know peace...

Renji

Renji

Oakland, CA
September 2006

SEP 09, 2007 09:52 AM

frown

xazapdmytinu

xazapdmytinu

Fort Collins, CO
July 2007

SEP 09, 2007 10:07 AM

Serves them right! didn't they know that the color white belongs to our good christian nation!? wink

there's a "Lost" reference in here somewhere too, but I haven't even had my coffee yet so it falls to someone else.

spamtwo

spamtwo

United Kingdom
April 2006

SEP 09, 2007 10:22 AM

FearTheReaper said:
Then we will have to deal with a massive seal explosion, but bats are being prepared as I write.



Canadians?

willie

willie

Portland, OR
July 2002

SEP 09, 2007 10:52 AM

my GammaWorld character was always an intelligent polar bear
(so is my Build-A-Bear, Horace). i wish the real polar bears were as
heavily armed and vengeful, then maybe human folk would think twice about screwing up their habitats.....

Saraphine

Saraphine

SUICIDEGIRL

Pennsylvania, USA

SEP 09, 2007 11:06 AM

This is a sad, sad thing. I'm still wondering about the bats. Do they kill seals? Was it a joke I simply didn't understand?

BlastProcessing

BlastProcessing

USA
OLD SKOOL

SEP 09, 2007 11:07 AM

Saraphine said:
This is a sad, sad thing. I'm still wondering about the bats. Do they kill seals? Was it a joke I simply didn't understand?



Seal clubs.

wheezy_e

wheezy_e

Boulder City, NV
April 2004

SEP 09, 2007 11:14 AM

BlastProcessing said:

Saraphine said:
This is a sad, sad thing. I'm still wondering about the bats. Do they kill seals? Was it a joke I simply didn't understand?



Seal clubs.



failure_face

failure_face

I'm lost
September 2007

SEP 09, 2007 11:19 AM

Thank God! Once we've taken care of the polar bears we can once again put all of our efforts into another ongoing struggle; our battle against the rainforest! We can show those bastard trees who's boss. Hopefully drilling will begin in Alaska soon and those devil trees near the equator will see it as a form of shock and awe. God bless the USA.

shapeshifter23

shapeshifter23

San Francisco, CA
September 2005

SEP 09, 2007 11:25 AM

*sigh*... FTR, your sense of irony is beginning to wear thinner than the Arctic ice shelf...

FellOnEarth

FellOnEarth

Thailand
April 2006

SEP 09, 2007 11:25 AM


I saw this polar bear at Sea World, San Diego and I couldn't help thinking that this may be the future of for all polar bears (to be placed in captivity). She looked so hot and miserable, such an animal should not be caged. Finally, the clubbing of seals is still sanctioned by the Canadian government and it should be stopped. I wonder, if there is a need to kull back the seal population, what is missing from the equation of natural balance? Natural predators perhaps? Hmm... Another sign of the shrinking polar bear population.

monster_girl

monster_girl

Washington, DC
August 2007

SEP 09, 2007 11:50 AM

i remember reading about this a few days ago - it really just made me sad. humans are pretty good a fucking up the environment and most of the animals will end up paying and eventually us as well.

here are three links to news reports about this:
cnn
ny times
aol

Horrorflick

Horrorflick

Detroit, MI
February 2003

SEP 09, 2007 11:59 AM

If god wants them to survive, his divine will shall re-freeze the planet somehow...

Tiger_Fodder

Tiger_Fodder

Marshfield, MA
June 2007

SEP 09, 2007 12:15 PM

By 2050? Damn we can't even finish that war fast enough.

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