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  • SUNDAY AUGUST 26 2007 4:00 AM

The Sunday Hangover with Warren Ellis


THE SUNDAY HANGOVER

So what do we know today that we didn't know last week? Well, there's members of the Quebec police posing as demonstrators in order to kick up a ruckus and create an excuse for their uniformed comrades to go into the otherwise peaceful protestors with batons. The Quebec police, caught red-handed, openly admit they did it, with a "and what the fuck are you going to do about it, Anglo peegs?" attitude. Which would be new, if most people didn't already know that French Canadians are among the most unpleasant mammals on the face of the planet. I couldn't give a fuck how many soldiers they send to serve with the United Nations -- if Canada wants to impress me, it needs to saw off the French bit and float it out of the Cabot Strait and into the North Atlantic. Let's see how long those shiteaters last when they only have each other to sneer at.

What else? Ah, yes: it turns out that a company hired at great expense to take on dangerous and difficult demolition work at Ground Zero in New York City doesn't actually... exist. This is a wonderful story. This company has no records to speak of, its president is contractually prevented from talking to the press or anyone else, and very few people in the architecture and engineering trades have actually heard of it. Which may possibly explain how, on Friday, one of their workers lost control of a pallet jack -- not the most complicated bit of apparatus you ever saw -- while working on the 23rd floor of the building, managing to somehow drop it on a temporary shed and all but killing the two guys inside it. And it was the third incident there this summer to harm or kill firefighters. The name of this operation? The John Galt Company. Who is John Galt? That's the question that runs through mad-as-arseholes Ayn Rand's novel ATLAS SHRUGGED, wherein he appears as a mysterious character hellbent on destroying the world that terrible leftie types made. He's a fake engineer. And John Galt Co would appear to be a fake company, insofar as they don't seem to have done anything but make the area more toxic and kill even more people. People on the net, of course, are already asking if John Galt Co are a shell or storefront company for the CIA. Which sounds like bullshit at first blush, but, really: who could invent the idea of a fictional company actually named for a fictional character getting hired to clean up Ground Zero and doing nothing but making more mess and killing more firemen?

And, apparently, a great Cosmic Nothingness has been found. A void in space that’s a billion light years across – a significant chunk of the visible universe, in fact. Right now, as I type this, cosmologists and technologists are developing a perfect explanation of why we have dragged ourselves from the amniotic muck of early time, through a history rank with blood and horror, into an age of scientific marvels, striving to see through millions of years of old light and across the immense and jeweled universe itself – to look at a fucking great hole.

See, this is why I don’t have a fucking jet pack. “No, no, we need umpty million quid to look for fucking great holes, why on earth would we want to cure cancer, the common cold or Frenchness?” Bastards. Happy Sunday morning. Now fuck off.

 

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Comments
d20

d20

San Francisco, CA
September 2003

AUG 27, 2007 02:40 PM

fountainofdreams said:
Wait, that's a joke? Looks to me like they just don't follow instructions well.



if you think that's tough, try getting them to speak english.

fountainofdreams

fountainofdreams

Batavia, IL
January 2005

AUG 27, 2007 02:41 PM

MrOuijaAK said:

And, apparently, a great Cosmic Nothingness has been found. A void in space that's a billion light years across - a significant chunk of the visible universe, in fact. Right now, as I type this, cosmologists and technologists are developing a perfect explanation of why we have dragged ourselves from the amniotic muck of early time, through a history rank with blood and horror, into an age of scientific marvels, striving to see through millions of years of old light and across the immense and jeweled universe itself - to look at a fucking great hole.



I hope it's revealed that one of the scientists painted the lens black to fuck with one of the other scientists.



I'd paint insults on the lens.

"Wow, this universe of ours sure is vas--wait, my wife is a whore? FUCKERS!"

fountainofdreams

fountainofdreams

Batavia, IL
January 2005

AUG 27, 2007 02:45 PM

d20 said:

fountainofdreams said:
Wait, that's a joke? Looks to me like they just don't follow instructions well.



if you think that's tough, try getting them to speak english.



Bah, everyone can speak French, right? Especially in emergency situations?

Right?

aaronthere

aaronthere

San Francisco, CA
September 2003

AUG 27, 2007 03:43 PM

The only french most americans can speak is when referring to a threesome. Maybe that's why they hate us so.

OctEgon

OctEgon

Tustin, CA
July 2005

AUG 27, 2007 03:55 PM

I get shit on all the time for simply living in Orange County, CA. If you can't learn to roll with the punches I suggest chewing on a loaded revolver.

warrenellis

warrenellis

United Kingdom
September 2005

AUG 27, 2007 05:33 PM

DeusExMachina said:
I have always found it amusing that the only people that hate French Canadians more than the rest of the world are the French, especially Parisians.



Very true. I've experienced this first hand, and it's funny as hell.

For the record, I enjoy the company of Parisians very much. And god knows they're not shy about taking the piss out of the English.

warrenellis

warrenellis

United Kingdom
September 2005

AUG 27, 2007 05:35 PM

marionpoliquin said:
Would you have shown off your humour in a roomfull of French-Canadians?



Hell, yes. Just as I cheerfully mock Americans while in America. This is because I am a man and you are some neckbeard on the internet.

Metaverse

Metaverse

USA
March 2005

AUG 27, 2007 05:49 PM

aaronthere said:
Just for the record:

"French Canadians are so stupid they couldn't dump water out of their own shoes even if the instructions were on the bottom." is a joke.

"French Canadians are shiteaters." is an insult.

I guess I need to be told to fuck off again, because apparently that's all you got. Oh wait, you're trying to be FUNNY. My bad.



cry more please.

marionpoliquin

marionpoliquin

I'm lost
August 2007

AUG 28, 2007 03:13 PM

warrenellis said:

marionpoliquin said:
Would you have shown off your humour in a roomfull of French-Canadians?



Hell, yes. Just as I cheerfully mock Americans while in America. This is because I am a man and you are some neckbeard on the internet.



Let me know when you start gauging your manliness in other ways than your ability to make racist jokes. 'Till then you're just some little bitch who writes funnybooks.

fountainofdreams

fountainofdreams

Batavia, IL
January 2005

AUG 28, 2007 05:10 PM

aaronthere said:
The only french most americans can speak is when referring to a threesome. Maybe that's why they hate us so.



Milwaukee isn't french.

Is it?

d20

d20

San Francisco, CA
September 2003

AUG 28, 2007 05:38 PM

fountainofdreams said:

aaronthere said:
The only french most americans can speak is when referring to a threesome. Maybe that's why they hate us so.



Milwaukee isn't french.

Is it?



you'd be surprised.

(and yes, that sound you just heard was the known universe imploding)

warrenellis

warrenellis

United Kingdom
September 2005

AUG 30, 2007 11:36 AM

marionpoliquin said:

warrenellis said:

marionpoliquin said:
Would you have shown off your humour in a roomfull of French-Canadians?



Hell, yes. Just as I cheerfully mock Americans while in America. This is because I am a man and you are some neckbeard on the internet.



Let me know when you start gauging your manliness in other ways than your ability to make racist jokes. 'Till then you're just some little bitch who writes funnybooks.




Ladies and gentlemen: French Canadians.

d20

d20

San Francisco, CA
September 2003

AUG 30, 2007 02:26 PM

warrenellis said:
Ladies and gentlemen: French Canadians.



i think there's a graph in there somewhere that relates the hilarity of a post to how well you can mimic Jean Chretien's voice while reading it aloud.

fountainofdreams

fountainofdreams

Batavia, IL
January 2005

AUG 30, 2007 08:05 PM

d20 said:

fountainofdreams said:

aaronthere said:
The only french most americans can speak is when referring to a threesome. Maybe that's why they hate us so.



Milwaukee isn't french.

Is it?



you'd be surprised.

(and yes, that sound you just heard was the known universe imploding)



OH SHI--

marionpoliquin

marionpoliquin

I'm lost
August 2007

AUG 31, 2007 10:34 AM

warrenellis said:

marionpoliquin said:

warrenellis said:

marionpoliquin said:
Would you have shown off your humour in a roomfull of French-Canadians?



Hell, yes. Just as I cheerfully mock Americans while in America. This is because I am a man and you are some neckbeard on the internet.



Let me know when you start gauging your manliness in other ways than your ability to make racist jokes. 'Till then you're just some little bitch who writes funnybooks.




Ladies and gentlemen: French Canadians.



Seriously, what is your problem with French-Canadians? Why the racism? I am genuinely curious since this isn't the first place I've seen you bring us up.

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