The Lord specifically created Saturday just for the Asshole Fuckface Roundup! If there was not an Asshole Fuckface Roundup, there would only be six days in a week. Many of you kids read news stories but couldn’t pick an Asshole Fuckface over a hero. That is why I’m here. I scour the news to find the weeks biggest Asshole Fuckfaces and then I lay them out so you can look and shake your heads. Hang on to your soft, little panties and take a look at this week's winners.

There is nothing like having a racist, Asshole Fuckface moron working for the State Department.

Patrick Syring retired from the Foreign Service after a twenty-year career. His “retirement” just happened to coincide with his indictment for federal charges of threatening and violating civil rights laws. Syring began sending messages to the Arab American Institute a year ago by email and phone while working for the State Department. The messages were really smart and well thought out.

Being the genius that he is, Syring also identified himself in one of the phone messages and sent e-mails from his personal account. I can only assume it went something like: “Arabs are all filthy animals, sincerely Patrick Syring, of the State Department.”

My next Asshole Fuckface is a mine owner.

While most mine owners are Asshole Fuckfaces, Bob Murray is especially awful and well-connected. Murray is in the news this week because 6 miners are trapped in one of his mines. Did I mention that he is well-connected?

Murray runs some quality mining companies.

In 2003 a Murray owned mine in Ohio was shut down because of repeated safety problems. Being the colossal Asshole Fuckface that he is, Murray threatened to have employees of the Mine Safety and Health Administration fired.

Must be nice to have so much money that you can threaten to have government employees fired. Murray went on to name his Republican buddies.

McConnell is the Republican leader of the Senate and he also happens to be married to Labor Secretary Elaine Chao. She happens to oversee MSHA. Murray has given McConnell $176,800 in campaign donations since 2001.

Tim Thompson was a district manager for MSHA. He had the misfortune of being one of the people who was threatened by Murray. He was then transferred to an office away from any of Murray’s mines. Nice little world these Asshole Fuckfaces live in, isn’t it?

And I can’t let this subject pass without giving a special Asshole Fuckface shout out to George Bush. In October 2006, Bush used a recess appointment to put Richard Stickler in charge of the nation’s mine safety. Note that date. Stickler was so unpopular that he could not get through a GOP controlled Senate.

Why? Because Stickler used to manage mining operations and some miners died while he was in charge. Some of the deaths were a result of poor maintenance. Senators thought an industry insider should not oversee safety inspections.

I wish I could think of a reason why a guy like Murray was not pressured to make his mines safer.

Thank God some Asshole Fuckfaces in Arkansas have finally fixed the laws so you can marry and fuck a baby!

The entire Arkansas Legislature gets the nod for being Asshole Fuckfaces in this mess; with a special mention for bill sponsor Representative Will Bond. Legislation was passed that was meant to make 18 the minimum age to marry, while also allowing pregnant teens to marry if their parents gave the OK. But someone put an extra “not” in the bill and now anyone who is not pregnant can get married at any age. Get down there rich pedophiles and buy a kid while you can!

Now the legislature might have to call a special session to fix the mistake because they know the backwards freaks of Arkansas will quickly start marrying babies.

Whoa. Why do you think it will just be people coming from outside Arkansas, sister? Have you ever seen the people who live in your state?

My last Asshole Fuckface wants to make a buck and doesn’t give a shit who may get hurt.

Everyone working at the Internet company Intelius is an Asshole Fuckface. The company has a great business plan, for just a couple of bucks they will give out anyone’s cell phone number. What an awesome idea! What problems could possibly come from giving out a private cell phone number to any clown who wants it?

Oh, right. Victims of domestic violence, sexual assault and stalking kinda don’t want to be bothered by their abusers.

For years, domestic violence, sexual assault and stalking victims could keep out of the phone book by using a cell phone. Not anymore! It might also be a wonderful service for pedophiles because children’s numbers will be available.

A stalker only needs to pay $7 to $15 dollars and they will get the mobile phone number and in some instances a home address. Intelius buys the information from sources like the government and third party companies. The company already has 90 million cell phone numbers and will be adding 70 million more this week.

Congrats to all of this weeks Asshole Fuckfaces. You each will receive a FearTheReaper lampshade!