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Russia Thinks It Owns Our Oil

TUESDAY AUGUST 14 2007 9:00 AM

Submitted by FearTheReaper. Edited By erin_broadley.

TAGS: Russia, US, Denmark, Norway, Canada, "Arctic Circle, Oil

The Arctic is full of oil. It is estimated that 25% of the world�s undiscovered oil is in the Arctic. It is our oil. It cannot be another country�s oil because it is in the Earth. Any oil that is in the Earth is America�s oil � it has been given to us by God to put in our cars. It is written in the Bible somewhere, page 238, I think. The Arctic�s oil is finally becoming available and it is largely because of the United States.

We use quite a bit of the Earth�s resources and we produce a large amount of pollution. That is just how we roll. Because of the Greenhouse Effect, Arctic ice is melting, which is finally giving us access to oil. Since we are creating so much of the pollutants that cause the Greenhouse Effect and melts the ice, we should be allowed to take the oil. It just makes sense.

Evil Russia has other ideas. A couple of weeks ago, Russia claimed the Arctic by planting its national flag on the ocean floor below the North Pole. Russians loved it, comparing it to when we planted our flag on the moon. (Much fucking harder) Russia is clearly confused if they think planting a flag has any meaning in the year 2007.

But Russia wasn�t happy with just planting a flag. The red menace also took rock samples in an attempt to prove that underwater Arctic mountains are a continuation of Russia. Clearly this nonsense must stop. Russia has actually reduced its CO2 levels since the 1990s, which means they haven�t done shit to make the ice melt. We are still the #1 producer of CO2. Russia is taking advantage of our hard work and trying to steal our oil.

The 1982 UN Law of Sea Convention gave nations a 200-nautical-mile �economic zone� from their coastlines. 150 countries have ratified the treaty, but the US has not. Suddenly, 25 years later, President Bush is urging the Senate to ratify the treaty. Hopefully they do soon, so we can get our sweet, black gold. Canada, Norway and Denmark also border the Arctic Circle, but they can be dismissed because they are either weird or really small.

But that hasn�t stopped Canada from getting uppity. Our northern neighbors are planning on building two new military facilities in the Arctic as well as spending $7 billion on new Arctic patrol vessels. They are also talking some serious smack.

"You can't go around the world these days dropping flags somewhere. This isn't the 14th or 15th Century. They're fooling themselves." Foreign Affairs Minister Peter Mackay said, adding that there was "no question" that the waters belonged to Canada.

No question? This fight is between the US and Russia, stay the fuck out of it. Go club some seals or play some hockey, you freaks.

50 Comments

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seaniesean5

Buffalo, NY

July 2005

AUG 14, 2007 09:10 AM

we never REALLY planted our flag on the moon

Chainlink

Dickeyville, WI

August 2005

AUG 14, 2007 09:11 AM

Hosers a ?

Chainlink

Dickeyville, WI

August 2005

AUG 14, 2007 09:15 AM

seaniesean5 said:
we never REALLY planted our flag on the moon

Yeah, those rocks came from Nevada. Who do they think they're foolin ?

TEH PICTUREZ CAN HAS NO STARS !!! OMGZ IT"S ALL LIEZ ! !11 n stuff.

ericwine

Charlotte Hall, MD

January 2007

AUG 14, 2007 09:17 AM

How about we all find a way to use less oil? No, I guess that makes too much sense...

Is it just me or is Putin trying to restart the Cold War?

RubberSoul

Los Angeles, CA

February 2003

AUG 14, 2007 09:27 AM

Canadian political experts are up in arms about this:

Jim_H

Blackwood, NJ

January 2007

AUG 14, 2007 09:28 AM

seaniesean5 said:
we never REALLY planted our flag on the moon

9/11 NEVER HAPPENED!!!

Strelnikov

Holden, MA

March 2007

AUG 14, 2007 10:03 AM

If the oceans get warm enough to melt enough ice for us to actually use this oil, we'll have bigger problems.

wildswan

I'm lost

June 2006

AUG 14, 2007 10:16 AM

This was very hilariously written, FTR.

I can't decide what pwns what: planted flags, geological connections, or the super power of melting ice caps.

Jace

Reno, NV

February 2004

AUG 14, 2007 10:34 AM

It kills me how shamelessly quick the Bush administration mobilizes when it comes to shit like this. The story breaks about Russia wanting our oil and all of a sudden this treaty needs to be ratified, like right the fuck now. Why? "Oh... no reason. Because it's a damn good treaty and I don't want to leave it unratified like some of my predecessor Presidents." Something like that?

Don't be surprised if, in a few days, Russia magically starts funding terrorism or manufacturing chemical weapons or plotting to blow up the moon or something.

Snottlebocket

Netherlands

March 2004

AUG 14, 2007 10:35 AM

Funny facts...

One of the astronauts that landed on the moon admitted there actually isn't an American flag standing on the moon. It fell over when it was time to leave and they never raised it before leaving.

Russia's video footage of planting the flag in the ocean floor contained footage from the blockbuster Titanic movie. Major British networks didn't notice this until after they aired it.

Zamuzel

United Kingdom

September 2006

AUG 14, 2007 10:40 AM

Wow!
Canada Vs. Russia!
They should place Putin and Harper in a death match cage with Polar Bears to decide the winner

Pechorin

Norway

February 2005

AUG 14, 2007 10:45 AM

The DANES have a stake in this?? Get real! Those pastry-eating sausage lovers have no business north of the Arctic Circle.

Agata

United Kingdom

September 2004

AUG 14, 2007 10:47 AM

I know how to solve this!...

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

FearTheReaper

NEWSWIRE

I'm lost

AUG 14, 2007 10:48 AM

Pechorin said:
The DANES have a stake in this?? Get real! Those pastry-eating sausage lovers have no business north of the Arctic Circle.

Greenland. Sweet, sweet Greenland.

misguidedd

Edmonton, AB

November 2003

AUG 14, 2007 10:51 AM

By the way, it's expected that in a couple hours a cabinet shuffle is going to be announced, and it's likely that Peter McKay will be moved from the Foreign Affairs portfolio to the Defense portfolio.
Which factors in there interestingly.
It's good that he's sorta aggrivated about foreign intrusions on our Northern borders, because Canada's sovereignty is legally threatened by douchebags from Denmark coming and unchallengedly planting flags on Canadian Northern islands and the US and Russia sending submarines though the Northwest Passage, etc etc etc.

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