There is something worse than living in Florida: Being sent to a prison in Florida. There is something worse than living in a prison in Florida: Not being able to jerk off in a prison in Florida. This week a 20-year-old inmate in the Broward County jail was convicted of masturbating while alone in his jail cell. You read that correctly. A 20-year-old dude was convicted of jerking off while he was alone in his jail cell. I’m going to write that one more time, just in case you are having as hard a time with this as I am. A 20-year-old was convicted of rubbing his cock until semen shot out while he was alone in a jail cell. He convicted of indecent exposure and sentenced to 60 days for the offense. Florida is officially the worst place, ever.

I find it difficult to be alone with my cock in my bedroom without touching it – and I am not deprived of sex. My wife allows me to place my penis in her often and move it about until it goes, “ugh” and releases some sort of sauce. I am lucky. If I were alone in a jail cell, I would attack my penis until it looked like it had lasted fifteen rounds with Mike Tyson in his prime. There would be no stopping how often and how furiously I would masturbate. It would keep me off drugs and out of an Aryan gang. I would have no need to shank anyone, ever. The fact that masturbation is somehow illegal in prison boggles the mind.

Seven other inmates have also been charged with rubbing their cocks to orgasm. Three of the inmates have accepted plea deals, three are awaiting trial and one had his case dismissed. The same deputy, who just happens to be female, charged all of them. I think it is safe to say a man would never charge another man for jerking off.

During the trial, jurors were asked about their own “masturbation habits.” They were also asked to raise their hands if they had never masturbated. Not one juror put their naughty hand up. And that is just the beginning of the worst trial in the history of mankind.

Nicely done. The defense attorney actually asked the guard if she had considered calling in the SWAT team to stop the prisoner from masturbating.

Well played, you fucking lunatic. He should have been shot for his horrible self-loving. Why do I think you have never had an orgasm? You just seem bitter.

The jury convicted after determining that a prison cell was neither public nor private but was a "limited access public place.” What a prudent use of state of Florida’s money. The only person worse than the prison guard is the prosecutor who took this crap to trail. We should all rub one out in protest.