• news
  • WEDNESDAY AUGUST 8 2007 9:00 AM

Jerking Off Is Now A Crime, Please Kill Me

Submitted by FearTheReaper

Edited by erin_broadley

Tags: Masturbation, Florida



There is something worse than living in Florida: Being sent to a prison in Florida. There is something worse than living in a prison in Florida: Not being able to jerk off in a prison in Florida. This week a 20-year-old inmate in the Broward County jail was convicted of masturbating while alone in his jail cell. You read that correctly. A 20-year-old dude was convicted of jerking off while he was alone in his jail cell. I’m going to write that one more time, just in case you are having as hard a time with this as I am. A 20-year-old was convicted of rubbing his cock until semen shot out while he was alone in a jail cell. He convicted of indecent exposure and sentenced to 60 days for the offense. Florida is officially the worst place, ever.

I find it difficult to be alone with my cock in my bedroom without touching it – and I am not deprived of sex. My wife allows me to place my penis in her often and move it about until it goes, “ugh” and releases some sort of sauce. I am lucky. If I were alone in a jail cell, I would attack my penis until it looked like it had lasted fifteen rounds with Mike Tyson in his prime. There would be no stopping how often and how furiously I would masturbate. It would keep me off drugs and out of an Aryan gang. I would have no need to shank anyone, ever. The fact that masturbation is somehow illegal in prison boggles the mind.

Seven other inmates have also been charged with rubbing their cocks to orgasm. Three of the inmates have accepted plea deals, three are awaiting trial and one had his case dismissed. The same deputy, who just happens to be female, charged all of them. I think it is safe to say a man would never charge another man for jerking off.

During the trial, jurors were asked about their own “masturbation habits.” They were also asked to raise their hands if they had never masturbated. Not one juror put their naughty hand up. And that is just the beginning of the worst trial in the history of mankind.


Prosecutor Cynthia Lauriston and the female deputy who complained, after observing him on a monitor as he was alone in his cell, "managed to describe Alexander's offense in startling detail, eight times, once with Lauriston approximating the action with arm motions.”


Nicely done. The defense attorney actually asked the guard if she had considered calling in the SWAT team to stop the prisoner from masturbating.


"Did other inmates start masturbating because of Mr. Alexander?" Ms. McHugh asked Ms. Veal, "Did you call a Swat team?"

"I wish I had," the deputy replied.


Well played, you fucking lunatic. He should have been shot for his horrible self-loving. Why do I think you have never had an orgasm? You just seem bitter.

The jury convicted after determining that a prison cell was neither public nor private but was a "limited access public place.” What a prudent use of state of Florida’s money. The only person worse than the prison guard is the prosecutor who took this crap to trail. We should all rub one out in protest.

 

Previous

PAGE: 

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6

 ... 14

Next

Comments
unheimlich

unheimlich

Reno, NV
March 2005

AUG 08, 2007 11:46 AM

Am I the only one who thinks that the worst part of this is the group of lying damn jurors that all claimed to have never masturbated? I think if I were the judge, I would have had to just dismiss the jury at that point. If they're all going to lie, how can you trust them to make an informed decision concerning anyone's guilt?

aleksa

aleksa

Tacoma, WA
April 2006

AUG 08, 2007 11:48 AM

unheimlich said:
Am I the only one who thinks that the worst part of this is the group of lying damn jurors that all claimed to have never masturbated? I think if I were the judge, I would have had to just dismiss the jury at that point. If they're all going to lie, how can you trust them to make an informed decision concerning anyone's guilt?



If I'm reading the original article right, the jurors were asked to raise their hands if they'd never masturbated, and no one raised their hands.

PatrickY

PatrickY

Vancouver, WA
December 2003

AUG 08, 2007 11:51 AM

aleksa said:

unheimlich said:
Am I the only one who thinks that the worst part of this is the group of lying damn jurors that all claimed to have never masturbated? I think if I were the judge, I would have had to just dismiss the jury at that point. If they're all going to lie, how can you trust them to make an informed decision concerning anyone's guilt?



If I'm reading the original article right, the jurors were asked to raise their hands if they'd never masturbated, and no one raised their hands.



Mostly because they were busy masturbating at the time.

connielingus

connielingus

Magnolia, NJ
September 2005

AUG 08, 2007 11:52 AM

One more reason I'm glad I've never been to the sunshine state. Ain't no sunshine if I can't fap. blackeyed

aleksa

aleksa

Tacoma, WA
April 2006

AUG 08, 2007 11:53 AM

PatrickY said:

aleksa said:

unheimlich said:
Am I the only one who thinks that the worst part of this is the group of lying damn jurors that all claimed to have never masturbated? I think if I were the judge, I would have had to just dismiss the jury at that point. If they're all going to lie, how can you trust them to make an informed decision concerning anyone's guilt?



If I'm reading the original article right, the jurors were asked to raise their hands if they'd never masturbated, and no one raised their hands.



Mostly because they were busy masturbating at the time.



They need both hands? I don't know whether to be impressed or disappointed.

BDeyeD

BDeyeD

Toronto, ON
January 2007

AUG 08, 2007 11:53 AM

aleksa said:

BDeyeD said:

scorp17yh said:
Cummmmmminnnnnnnng soon to YouTube



Mmmm. That mental picture will help me get off again...then I'll take a nap.



Be sure to wear a wrist guard -- Carpal Tunnel, you know.



Don't tell me what to do. I'm enjoying my freedom to fap carelessly and without protection! tongue

IDGAS

IDGAS

Jackson Heights, NY
March 2004

AUG 08, 2007 11:55 AM

I guess that from now on all time in the jail will be hard time. smile

Zarth

zarth

Seattle, WA
December 2004

AUG 08, 2007 11:55 AM

aleksa said:

unheimlich said:
Am I the only one who thinks that the worst part of this is the group of lying damn jurors that all claimed to have never masturbated? I think if I were the judge, I would have had to just dismiss the jury at that point. If they're all going to lie, how can you trust them to make an informed decision concerning anyone's guilt?


If I'm reading the original article right, the jurors were asked to raise their hands if they'd never masturbated, and no one raised their hands.


I read it the other way at first, too, but you're right

In response to a defense lawyer's questioning, all nine men among the prospective jurors said they had themselves masturbated, but two of the 10 women said they hadn't, reports the Miami Herald. The seven jurors selected had all done the deed.

scorp17yh

scorp17yh

Brookings, OR
November 2004

AUG 08, 2007 11:56 AM

BDeyeD said:

aleksa said:

BDeyeD said:

scorp17yh said:
Cummmmmminnnnnnnng soon to YouTube



Mmmm. That mental picture will help me get off again...then I'll take a nap.



Be sure to wear a wrist guard -- Carpal Tunnel, you know.



Don't tell me what to do. I'm enjoying my freedom to fap carelessly and without protection! tongue




you have my undying respect and admiration

PatrickY

PatrickY

Vancouver, WA
December 2003

AUG 08, 2007 11:59 AM

Zarth said:

In response to a defense lawyer's questioning, all nine men among the prospective jurors said they had themselves masturbated, but two of the 10 women said they hadn't, reports the Miami Herald. The seven jurors selected had all done the deed.



Doubtless, the two women were immediately dismissed for being LIARS.

Cyanyde

Cyanyde

HOPEFUL

Charlotte, NC

AUG 08, 2007 12:01 PM

Zarth said:

ObservingOne said:
Well I'm not sure we have all the information.
Was he standing at the bars of the cell and exposing himself to this female guard and jerking off or was he in his bunk silently whacking off?
There's a difference.


Ahem. From the article:

. . . during Alexander's trial, prosecutor Cynthia Lauriston and the female deputy who complained, after observing him on a monitor as he was alone in his cell, "managed to describe Alexander's offense in startling detail, eight times, once with Lauriston approximating the action with arm motions," Grimm notes.



Does that mean the deputy described the incident 8 times or he did it 8 times while she watched on the monitor. Maybe she got caught watching him on the monitor when another deputy walked in on it, and she thought she should have him charged with the "crime" so she wouldn't look guilty! eeek

Anyway, if one can be charged with rubbin one out in the privacy of his own cell (which doesn't constitute indecent exposure because it has to be in "pub-lik"==>sorry had to throw some Ron White in there...and, had no way of knowing someone was watching him...where is the criminal intent?), so what would you call taking down his pants, pulling out his penis to take a piss...IN THE PRIVACY OF HIS CELL!?? confused

That female deputy, I think she either needs to understand that men cannot keep that stuff in...they HAVE to relieve it at some point. I know it is a necessity! She either needs to get laid and/or discover the joy of masturbation herself! shocked


We should all rub one out in protest.


Does it count if I did about 2 hrs ago...b4 I read this...and 3 x's yesterday?? biggrin

MarcyBeth

MarcyBeth

Ocala, FL
July 2006

AUG 08, 2007 12:01 PM

i think i barfed a few times reading this.

nevertheless, it is quite humorous. ahhhh the joys of living in FL.

benizdead

benizdead

United Kingdom
February 2003

AUG 08, 2007 12:01 PM

'a limited access public space'??? have you ever tried walking in or out of a prison? how limited does it need to be? is jeb bush still govenor? it would explain a lot

good god, now a man can't even toss off in peace frown

thrash242

thrash242

Pearland, TX
September 2004

AUG 08, 2007 12:02 PM

Maybe it's just me, but I really could have done without the paragraph about how much you masturbate and have sex. Does anyone really care?

This is a pretty ridiculous situation, though.

PointBlank

PointBlank

New York, NY
November 2004

AUG 08, 2007 12:04 PM

EDIT: Wildswan (of course) beat me to it.
So sad to be so obsessed.




SPOILERS! (Click to view)
hehe, beat.

Previous

PAGE: 

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6

 ... 14

Next

featured interviews