It’s official; the Republican presidential candidates are a disaster. A new AP poll found that Republicans chose “Other/None/Don’t Know” over the leading candidates. Mitt Romney, Rudy Giuliani, John McCain and new savior Fred Thompson all came in behind nothing.

The Republicans have created their own problems. Apparently, any candidate has to meet religious, economic and security standards that are nearly impossible. Oh, and he’s got to have the correct ideas for stopping those horrible immigrants. All of the candidates are greatly lacking on one area or the other. None have secured the support of the religious lunatic fringe. As the campaign drags on, Republicans are actually losing support.

Maybe they should keep their mouths shut and hide in a shack in the mountains. Seems like they would have a better chance because whatever they are doing is not working.

Giuliani has dropped from 35% in March to 21%. McCain’s campaign is in freefall, having lost many of his top campaign staffers and used up all of his money. Mitt Romney is plagued by past support for abortion rights and gay rights. Fred Thompson, also once supported abortion rights and was recently caught lying about his stance. Every candidate but Romney has been divorced, but Rudy leads the pack with three. However, Romney has the terrible problem of being from a crazy religion that Christians are not down with - which cancels out the perfect family life.

Meanwhile, Democrats are happy with their candidates.

The enthusiasm for Democrats and lack of love for Republicans is leading to a large cash advantage. From April to June, Democrats raised 30 million dollars more than Republicans. Candidates who raise the most money win the election. That’s how America works.

At this point, the only thing that would energize Republicans would be Hillary winning the Democratic nomination. If that occurred, Republican funding would surge. Barring that scenario, the Republicans are going to need a new candidate. Here’s what they are looking for:

A candidate who hates gays, loves fetuses, will stop immigrants at all cost, will bomb Iran, Syria, and North Korea, keep troops in Iraq forever, will lower taxes more, pardon George Bush, is a good Christian, hates universal health care, carries an AK47, hates Muslims, loves the CIA and people who out their agents, wants to invade Cuba, will torture their mother if necessary, will commit voter fraud, will privatize Social Security, will privatize roads, will privatize air, will privatize cats, not allow stem cell research, lower the minimum wage and have the courage to murder our forests.

Shouldn’t be hard to find that guy.