Hey, kids! It’s Saturday and you know what that means: It's time for another Asshole Fuckface Roundup! There are an enormous amount of assholes in the world but only a few make the cut and land up on the FearTheReaper's Asshole Fuckface Roundup. Here are this week's winners:

We’re going to start in the lovely state of North Carolina, where Republican State Representative David Almond Jr. got a little crazy with his cock.

David was serving his second term in the North Carolina General Assembly and had introduced many important bills, such as the Duty To Report Child Porn bill, the Up Penalties/Sex Offenses With Child Victim bill and the Sex Offender GPS/DOC Requests bill. Everything seemed to be going great until last week, when he apparently

The 63 year old woman filed a complaint. I’d like to file a complaint just for making me think about an old man chasing an old lady around with his dick out. Almond Jr. was asked to resign by his fellow Republicans “if the allegations were true.” Almond Jr. then cleaned out his desk and left. Why? Because he’s a Southern gentleman and that is what a gentleman does after chasing a lady around an office with his cock out. You could learn a little something from Mr. Almond, you Yankee fucks.

Our next Asshole Fuckface is an entire commission!

The Nuclear Regulatory Commission is trying to kill us by being lame at their job. If their plan succeeds, terrorists will be able to murder us with dirty bombs.

Okay, so they couldn’t kill us, but they could fuck up any plan you had of going to Quiznos or Starbucks or McDonalds. And considering our economy is now a service based economy, that means we would be totally fucked. And really hungry.

Our next Asshole Fuckface is a Democrat serving in some place called Congress.

House Judiciary Committee Chairman John Conyers gets the nod this week for being a huge pussy. His committee subpoenaed ex-White House counsel and Supreme Court reject, Harriet Miers. She was supposed to appear on Thursday. She decided to blow it off, which is illegal. She could have shown up and plead the fifth or claimed executive privilege but she chose to blatantly disregard the law. So, what did Conyers do? He warned her.

Fuck you, Representative Giant Pussy. Grow some fucking ball and do your job. How long does the White House get to pull the same shit over and over before you pathetic chickenshits actually do something? The White House just told you to “fuck off” and how did you respond? “You have until next week to take it back.” Cowards. Do you expect Bush to suddenly become a different man this weekend? Does he have some sort of legal epiphany planned that we don’t know about? Or do you just not know how to play with the big boys?

You do not hesitate, you do not falter, you just show Bush you mean business and hold her in contempt. It is fucking simple. Unless you are weak, spineless Democrats, in which case you say, “I really mean it, seriously, don’t.” Your reputation is totally deserved. Good luck being weak.

Conyers is not the only Democratic Asshole Fuckface this week. I give you Hillary Clinton and John Edwards.

How long before the Democratic primaries begin? Seven months. The primaries then continue until June, 2008. So, why not start talking about eliminating the little guys in July?



First of all, have either of you idiots ever been around microphones before? Secondly, what a couple of Asshole Fuckfaces. The smaller candidates serve a purpose. They have supporters because they champion ideas that the major candidates don’t. (Except Joe Biden, who just helps credit card companies)

By, “not serious,” they obviously mean “not enough money to be on the stage with us.” The minor players will drop out of the campaign as their money and support dries up. It happens ever year, they don’t have to be pushed out by two leading Asshole Fuckfaces.

FTR - Fighting for the little guy! (Kucinch is a piece of shit)

Our next Asshole Fuckface today is the US Army.

No, not the guys in the trenches, I’m pointing the finger at the Asshole Fuckfaces who make decisions. Specifically, the decision to dump this crap into the ocean.

How bad can mustard gas be?

Oh, but nerve gas is pretty harmless, right?

Well, hell, the ocean is just a big toilet, right? I mean, you can’t flush it, but it’s pretty close. What could possibly go wrong?

Must have been great for those incredibly intelligent dolphins, who were just swimming around in water that suddenly seemed to turned to fire and burned them to death. I think every Asshole Fuckface involved in this decision should be sent to help out on the front lines with the surge in Iraq - sans guns.

And I’m sure that radioactive waste just disappeared. (Godzilla, anyone?)

Our last and most lazy Asshole Fuckface is the entire Iraqi parliament.

Those poor bastards have been getting almost nothing done and now they need a break. The lawmakers have decided to take the entire month of August off, which is sort of bad timing because the US has set military, political and economic benchmarks that need to be met by September. If the benchmarks are not met, Congress will stamp their feet and do nothing.

White House press secretary Tony Snow explained why the Iraqi parliament needs the month off.

Those poor bastards. Could you imagine if they had to work through August, you know, like the US military? That would be so hard on them, debating and writing up bills. Our guys will have it easy, running around outside, enjoying the crisp summer air, dodging bullets and avoiding explosives, dying to give the Iraqi Congress time to do their job. When Tony Snow was reminded of this point, he had a great response.

Wow. I think we just found another Asshole Fuckface. Way to close it out, Tony! Congrats to this weeks winners, you all get a free FearTheReaper headband!