Volume 9 of the FTR series in which he puts the word "fuck" in front of a presidential candidate's name.

Ninety-seven percent of Republicans masturbate at least once a week while thinking about Ronald Reagan. It is a statistical fact. Reagan is their God, even though in hindsight he was clearly showing signs of Alzheimer’s throughout his presidency. It’s different for me. When I was a child I read a book my father had on his desk full of Reagan quotes. I could not believe the man was president.

Reagan classics. The man was an idiot. And since he left office, Republicans have been creating a false mythology that no Earth bound man could ever match. Until now. Republicans seem to have found a candidate who is just as void of substance, just as snappy with a stupid phrase and…he’s an ACTOR! Did you just cum in your pants, also? It’s pretty exciting.

The main problem with Fred Thompson is that he is one hell of a douche bag. But he’s a charming, actor douche bag and that’s what the Republicans are looking for. You may know him as District Attorney Arthur Branch from "Law & Order," or one of his many roles in movies. Add that to the fact that he a conservative with a strong presence and we get statement like this:

I guess, I mean, Reagan was an idiot, too. But, could there be anything worse for a Republican candidate, than to compare him to Reagan? No one can live up to that, especially a lazy, corrupt, liar, like Fred Thompson.

Thompson recently gave a speech at an event in Orange County, California. The Lincoln Club was filled with conservatives waiting to hear and see “The new Reagan.” And they were completely disappointed:

And unlike Reagan, he is not getting a break from the mainstream press.

Sounds so very presidential, doesn’t it? The guy just wreaks leadership. I know whey I think of the great US presidents of our past one word always comes to mind: Lazy.

Look at that. Three quotes that span his entire life. Impressive. During his time in the Senate, Thompson introduced 97 bills. Only 4 were passed. That is some serious hustle.

Possible campaing slogan: Thompson '08: I Will Sleep Through A Lot Of Shit.

Fred’s career kicked off in the early 1970s, when was brought in as investigating counsel for the Senate Watergate committee. He was hired by Republicans to aid in the investigation of Nixon's wrongdoings. Nixon’s response was mixed.

Ah, friendly and dumb. Oh, so perfect.

Possible campaign slogan: Thompson '08: Both Dumb and Nice and Dumb

After getting the job, Thompson did what any ethical lawyer would do: He leaked information to Nixon, the man he was supposed to be investigating. Some Democrats working on the committee, like investigator Scott Armstrong, are still pissed at Thompson’s actions during Watergate.

The “gun” he is talking about are the Nixon tapes. When Thompson learned that Democrats on the committee knew about the existence of recording devices in the White House, he tipped off the president.

Okay, so a prosecutor is leaking information to the person being investigated. Totally wrong, but it will be excused by many because of the politics involved. Democrats thought Thompson should have been fired, because he was orchestrating a defense for the man he was supposed to be prosecuting.

Instead, Thompson was rewarded and his political career was off and running. Soon after Thompson tipped off the president, he was given the opportunity to ask Nixon aid Alexander Butterfield about the existence of the tapes during the Watergate hearings. It was a huge moment in the hearings and Thompson was asking the question. He was on all the news program that night and became a national player instantly. Who cares that he was undermining the investigation and being an unethical asshole? It pays to be a man with no morals in Washington.

To this day, Thompson still brags about his actions during Watergate, suggesting he helped to discover the tapes and exposed the truth to the nation. All of which is false. That makes him a filthy liar. Check that off your list.

Possible campaign slogan: Thompson ’08: Living The Unethical Dream

So, what to do if you are now a nationally known Washington player? How about taking a job that is just slightly above child molester? Yes, Fred became a lobbyist. For nearly two decades he did the bidding of any corporation that would slap money in his giant, greasy hands.

Some of his clients included Haitian President Jean-Bertrand Aristide, Westinghouse, General Electric, a German mining company and Toyota. Recently, between 2004 and 2007, he did some quality lobbying for a London outfit called Equitas. The company paid him $760,000 and in return, Thompson gave the company information about upcoming bills that dealt with Asbestos. Yes, asbestos. Equitas was on the hook to pay for billions of dollars in asbestos related health problems and Freddy made sure they paid a lot less. In 2005 he used his powers to have Congress drop a provision in a bill what would have forced Equitas to pay a large portion of an asbestos settlement. Thompson is one of very few pro-asbestos people in the world.

Possible campaign slogan: Thompson ’08: Will Fight for More Asbestos.

Unfortunately for America, that was not even the worst lobbying Fred did. In 1982, he lobbied Congress on behalf of the Savings and Loan industry. He made recommendations and Congress thought they were super ideas, so they were added to the Garn-St Germain Depository Institutions Act. It was a really great act that allowed Savings and Loan companies to make riskier ventures. The act was a major contributor to the Savings and Loan crisis of the late 1980’s. It cost the US government about $125 billion. And Fred’s dirty, sweaty hands were all over it.

Possible campaign slogan: Thompson ’08: Helped America Lose $125 Billion.

Recently, the LA Times revealed that Fred lobbied for the pro-choice abortion movement in 1991. He was hired by the National Family Planning and Reproductive Health Assn to lobby president George H.W. Bush on what was known as the “gag” rule.

Just to make sure I’m clear: Five people claim he worked for a pro-choice group. The Times also got the minutes from the board meeting during which the announcement of Thompson’s hiring was recorded. So, how did Thompson respond to this information? Well, first his spokesman said it was not true. Those five people were apparently wrong, and someone fucked with the minutes from a board meeting in 1991, just to screw over Fred's campaign 16 years later. Also, I guess, his old lobbying colleague is also lying.

When Thompson was asked directly about his work for the pro-choice group, he came up with a delightful, Reagan-esque response.

I’d also say monkeys have hair…and in the winter they have more hair. Anyway, did you want to answer the question? The delightful thing about responses such as this is that it is no longer the early 1980s. Reagan never would have survived the days of U Tube. The scrutiny is incredible now, compared to how it was just seven years ago, when Bush ran for president. This kind of shit will be filmed, written about and absorbed by the masses ad nauseum on the interwebs.

Why is this important? Take Fred’s answer there, take a couple of quotes from the lobbying for a pro-choice group, put a little music behind it and throw this in moment from Fox News, and you have a devastating political video.

Or this moment from a Hoover Institute on camera interview could be added.

See? The darling of the right wing just became a liability because of his lying about abortion. Good luck getting the Republican nomination.

There is nothing more disgusting to me than a politician who changes his mind on the subject of abortion in an attempt to win the presidency. Like Kucinich and Romney before him, Fred Thompson slimy opportunist. There is more than enough evidence to prove he was once pro-choice.

And he filled out a form, where he checked a box that said, "Abortion should be legal in all circumstances for the first three months." It’s not like I’m writing about a guy who claims he came to some God inspired moment, where he realized abortion was wrong. Thompson claims he was “always” against abortion. Never mind the evidence, he’s the new Reagan!

Possible campaign slogan: Thompson ’08: Against Abortion - Unless I Can Make Money Being For It.

But the best story of all is about Fred and his little red truck. When Fred decided to run for the Senate in Tennessee in 1994, he’d been living in Washington for years. But that didn’t mean he couldn’t get back to his old, country self. Thompson threw away the lobbying suit and put on the blue jeans and boots. He was a man of the people, gosh darn it. He drove himself to campaign stops in his old, red pick up truck.

Just a common, everyday good fella, whose entire persona was manufactured by his GOP handlers.

Makes you feel all warm inside, doesn’t it? Fred would drive the truck to a campaign stop and chat with the people. Afterwards, he’d drive it a few hundred feet away, get out and leave it with a campaign staffer. Then Fred would slide out of town in his “sweet silver luxury sedan.” Man of the people.

Possible campaign slogan: Thompson ’08: Just Stare At The Truck, Idiots.

Fred Thompson is the prefect candidate for anyone looking for a leader who is lazy, a liar, an opportunist, economically destructive, pro-asbestos, a poser and without ethics. Vote Thompson!