First came the nightmarish film Sicko by demon Michael Moore. It opened in a limited release on June 22nd. It received strong reviews and was widely considered to be a great piece of filmmaking, all the while creating a strong argument for universal healthcare. But idiots know universal healthcare is evil and they were forced to attack.

Rupert Murdoch’s New York Post spelled out the reasons why the film was so very wrong. Moore is a liar and probably a communist. The journalist took the time to point out that Moore is fat. His claims are stupid and so absurd they can’t be real. Also, Hillary Clinton is in the movie. When the Post was done making their argument, it was hard for any American to justify seeing the shitumentary. And yet, they went anyway. Then CNN wrote an article about how much of the movie was true. Uh oh. What to do now?

Luckily, terrorists tried to murder the island of Britain or England, or whatever it is on July 1st.

Yes, terrorists had parked cars filled with bombs in London and also drove a hot, fiery car into the Glasgow airport. Conservatives love a terrorist attack. We can all be afraid again! Yay! Forget about that universal healthcare shit, we’ve got a distraction.

But then that fucking Sicko had a wide release on July 3rd and people started talking about health care again. That was totally wrong because terrorists were driving flaming cars into buildings – and we should be focused on that! It’s like people have become bored with fear.

Luckily, there was a stunning turn in the terrorist investigation - one that would shake Americans, English and even the barbaric Scottish to their core. Some of the terrorists were…DOCTORS! (Cue tear running down child’s face) Yes, those who were trained to heal us had decided to kill us. My, God. What to do?

Fox News knew exactly what to do. The Foxes knew that at any moment people would turn their attention back to universal health care, because Americans realize more of them will die from our substandard health care than terrorist attacks. Which would make it a bigger problem. (Unless you are a fucking idiot) So, Fox News responded. They combined the horrors of terrorism with the horrors of universal health care and came up with magic.



Yes, you heard that correctly. Fox News just claimed that universal health care would allow terrorist to get into the country because terrorists know how to “game” bureaucracies.

Terrorists would have no fucking idea how to “game” a private enterprise. It’s pretty simple, government agencies, like, say, the FBI or the CIA or your local police would just stumble past a terrorist who was giggling while he looked at a web page of Osama Bin Laden. But a private security firm would grab that fucker in a second. You’ve seen private security folk – they are obviously top notch. The same thing would apply to health care. Basically what Fox News is saying is that if we allow universal health care we may as well just blow up Sears Tower.

Right wing blogs have now picked up on this nugget of genius first offered by Mark Steyn of the National Review. I applaud them for reaching new heights of retardation. Or is that lows?

UPDATE: MSNBS joins the party: