Volume 7 of the FTR series in which he puts the word "fuck" in front of a presidential candidate's name.

At one point in time I was a big fan of John McCain. He was one tough son of a bitch. I was a bartender at a small McCain fundraiser (maybe twenty people) and I heard him speak. He was quite simply, the best politician I had ever heard. He was smart, honest and extremely kind, unlike Rudy Giuliani, who was an asshole. But that was the year 2000 and in the 7 years since McCain has slowly turned into one hell of a quality douchebag.

I was going to wait until later in the campaign to write about McCain but his collapse has been so quick and so absolute that I must do it now because he won’t be around in a few months. In what appears to be the most retarded political move in years, McCain attached himself to Iraq and the surge. He said it was the way to fix Iraq. Welcome to the world of wrong, grandpa.

Last month McCain suddenly decided the surge was working, even though reporters claimed otherwise and the military said all the soldiers weren’t even in place yet. But McCain stuck to his position and then said the words that would doom his campaign.

Oh shit, grandpa’s brain has gone soft. To prove his point, the old man went to Baghdad to take a stroll. It was picture perfect. Gramps walked to a market and blamed the media for all the bad reports. Then he flew back to America. He forgot to mention the 100 soldiers and two helicopters that were guarding him. Thirty minutes after he left, mortars rained down on the Green Zone. The next day over 20 workers from the market he had visited were executed. There is a very good argument to be made that McCain's visit directly led to the death of those market workers.

McCain has been a fan of this war, stroking his wrinkly penis over the thought since 2002. He was a co-chair on the Committee on the Liberation of Iraq and spent a lot of time on talk shows making the case to invade.

Thanks for showing us how you are not a leader in any way shape or form, old man. Not exactly what the younger John McCain said in 1990.

That’s right. Back when we had a “coalition” of many countries and Saudi Arabia was picking up much of the bill, it was not okay. American casualties were not acceptable, but now that we are going it alone it is a super idea. Why would he make such a switch? Because McCain cannot take Bush’s cock deep enough into his mouth. Anything Bush wants, Bush gets - even though Bush and Karl Rove have done more damage to grandpa than anyone else in his career.

Back in the 2000 primaries McCain won New Hampshire and was doing well in South Carolina. The Bush boys were scared and they reached into their bag of dirty tricks. Phone calls were made to McCain supporters claiming he had fathered an illegitimate black child. McCain went down in flames and his campaign never recovered. Gramps has since snuggled up to Bush because he idiotically thought he could get the Bush machine behind him for the 2008 election. Grandpa's change was blatent and pathetic, but worst of all, McCain was played like the idiot. When he was told to jump, he said "How high." It was sad to watch from a man who once seemed to have so much integrity.

It was revolting to watch him get close to the Christian Right. Back in 2000 McCain said the Christian Right was the biggest threat to the Republican Party.

In 2002, McCain called Jerry Falwell “an agent of intolerance” but has since become good buddies with him. He gave a nice speech at Falwell’s college recently in a splendid display of political opportunism. Gramps has also done a 180 on intelligent design. During the 2000 campaign he said intelligent design should not be taught in schools.

Now he has changed his tune.

And what politic opportunist wouldn’t be a complete fuckface asshole without switching their opinion on abortion in time for a presidential race? Just like Kucinich and Romney, McCain has suddenly changed his mind. Back in 1999 McCain wanted to be known as a moderate. He was pro-life but did not believe the government should impose itself on women.

But that was before he was a huge sellout. The 2007 McCain is a fetus saver!

Isn’t that sweet? Now a woman has to be raped or fuck her brother to have an abortion. Gramps done got God. Earlier this year he gave a speech to the American Taliban. He was the keynote speaker for the Discovery Institute, a religious right think-tank. They are strongly opposed to evolution and their leader advocates the “replacement of American civil law with biblical law.” The man who once said the Republican Party was threatened by the Christian Right is now the keynote speaker for a group of religious fanatics. Nicely done, grandpa sellout.

But why stop there? During the Vietnam War McCain’s plane was shot down and he was taken prisoner. He was taken to the Hanoi Hilton where the North Vietnamese hung him by his broken leg for five months. He knows torture first hand. When Bush pushed to legalize torture McCain at first stood in his way, but then he caved. The legislation that grandpa drafted says you can’t torture detainees at Guantanamo, but the law also can’t be enforced in the courts. So, it’s basically it's a fucking joke. Way to go, gramps! Now other countries can torture our soldiers, too!

He also flipped on Bush’s insane tax cuts for the rich. In 2001, old school was not a big fan.

Then a few years passed and McCain started to spend a lot of time spooning with Bush. Now he loves the tax cuts.

Grover Norquist, the Darth Vader of conservatives called McCain’s switch for what it was.

Straight Talk Grandpa has also decided to hire a racist and a “Jew counter” to help him win the presidency. Terry Nelson was the campaign manager responsible for the racist GOP ads against Harold Ford Jr. last year. Gramps brought him on board, along with the ad company that made the ads. The Republicans won that race, so who gives a shit if the race was partially effected by racist ads? Winning is winning! Oh, Nelson has also been implicated in the Tom Delay illegal money laundering case.

McCain then hired a former Nixon staffer named Fred Malek, aka The Jew Counter. It seems that at one point Nixon suspected that Jews at the Bureau of Labor Statistics were screwing with economic figures to make the administration look bad. Nixon assigned Malek to find out how many Jews were working at the bureau. Malek did as told and reported the number of Jews back to Nixon. Who wouldn’t? I mean, when has it ever been a problem to count Jews? Malek was already forced to resign in 1988 when Bush #1 appointed him to an RNC job. So far our great media has not made any noise about McCain hiring a man who once counted Jews, but it is only a matter of time.

McCain is the greatest disappointment in politics today. I can't believe I once supported this slimy fuck. He went from being Straight Talk John McCain to the Full of Shit Candidate. Thank God he hitched himself to the wrong wagon: George Bush. Now gramps won’t be around when the race gets serious, because his campaign is a disaster. His time came and went.