Volume 5 of the FTR series in which he puts the word "fuck" in front of a presidential candidate’s name.

Mitt Romney defines the term “political opportunist.” He’ll switch positions in a minute if it will win him votes. I think the best way to show the real Romney, is to start with this quote from his campaign for the Senate in 1994. Keep it in mind throughout this article:

Before I delve into all the bullshit that has been flying out of Mitt’s mouth, I’d like to cover something he said just two days ago. Romney was attending a meeting of the Club for Growth and was asked a question by a National Review reporter:

Uh, okay. This was not really a tough question, asshole. The reporter was basically describing a dictatorship but Romney is one of those slimy politicians who can’t answer a question until he’s consulted with his consultants. Strike one, douchebag.

My wife is a fan of Mitt but I think he is a creepy son of a bitch. When I watch him speak I get a shiver down my spine. He’s a little too slick and rehearsed. But when he goes off script, he really goes off script. His fuck ups are phenomenal when they happen. In just his first week after declaring his candidacy, he let this little gem fly in Iowa while talking about The Big Dig.

Oops. Tar Baby is probably not the best phrase to use when running for president. It’s sort of offensive to a bunch of people in our country. But he totally took responsibility and apologized like a man. Or, at least his spokesman apologized like a man.

Well done. Who wouldn’t know “tar baby” is offensive? Growing up here in America, you just don’t get an understanding of what other ethnicities find objectionable. Speaking of objectionable, on a recent trip to Florida, Mitt gave us a sample of the sort of leadership he would display when he was traveling the world representing the US.

During a speech, Romney let us know what a remarkable tool he can be.

Actually, not at all. It belongs to Fidel Castro. The phrase means “Fatherland or death, we shall overcome,” and it was how Fidel ended his speeches for decades. Not a good idea to repeat a communist catch phrase to Cubans in Florida. Was he done? Hell, no, it's Mitt! At the end of an immigration speech, Romney said,

Unfortunately for Romney, the phrase was made famous by Al Pacino in “Scarface.” Many Cubans hate “Scarface” because they believe it is a negative Cuban stereotype. Nice going, Mitt. Oh, he also called the Cuban speaker of the house Mario. His name is Marco.

Fine, you say, he’s not the best speaker. He occasionally will offend entire cultures but he’s got some solid ideas. Well, you are right, he does have great ideas. I think the best one is his plan to verbally assault France as a way to win the White House.

The media got their dirty little mitts on Mitt’s PowerPoint presentation that outlined his plan for winning the presidency. The presentation explains how Mitt will run against “bogeymen” like Hollywood, liberalism, Massachusetts and France.

First, not France. How can you not back this guy? His ideas are revolutionary. Oh, by the way, he lived for two years in France. But, fuck the croissant!

Romney is not only tough on France but he’s also tough on Iran. Last September, former Iranian president Mohammed Khatami was invited by Harvard to speak. Romney was furious, mostly because he knew it was a win-win politically. He declared that he would not allow any state resources to be used for security during the former president’s visit. Now that is strong leadership! Unless you consider the horrifying consequences of a former Iranian president being killed on American soil. Hopefully Mitt will be elected president and we can look forward to more brilliant decisions.

Mitt has gotten tough on a lot of things in the past couple of years. Really tough. Some would say he totally changed his position completely on immigration, gay rights and abortion. In 2004 he became “pro-life,” which was really convenient because that was just two years before he started to run for president. But he sort of had a different opinion when he was running for office in liberal Massachusetts before that.



Turns out he was wrong! Just two months ago he set the record straight in a creepy, weird and incredibly cheesy “phone call” to a radio show.



That was actually more uncomfortable than an actual abortion. Romney has also made an about-face on immigration. Way back in the long ago year of 2005 Mitt said that McCain’s bill for amnesty was a “reasonable proposal” and that it was

Why, how thoughtful, Governor 2005. I’d like to introduce you to Governor 2007.

Romney has also decided to completely change his mind on gay rights. Back in 1994, when people had to support gay people because it was the thing to do, Romney wrote a letter to the Log Cabin Republicans.

But that was a whole bunch of years ago and since then gay people blew up the World Trade Center and stuff. Romney has come around. He no longer favors a non-discrimination law and no longer wants to open up the military to gay men and lesbians.

Romney began his little plan to make the switch from moderate to conservative two years ago. We know this because that was when he began spreading money around to right wing groups, hoping to buy their love.

He donated $10,000 to the National Review institute and got himself a very nice write up. He sent the Federalist Society $35,000 and was a speaker at it’s 2005 convention. But the best was when he gave $10,000 to the Family Institute, an affiliate of James Dobson’s Focus on the Family. The director of the Family Institute started passing around a petition that supported Romney’s “pro-life” agenda. But Mitt had only given cash to one affiliate and there were a lot more to pay off. He didn’t have that kind of money and the love affair never blossomed. So sad.

Mitt Romney is one creepy son of a bitch. I don’t think there is anything worse than a politician who changes his position on abortion just to get votes. His every move is calculated and often not all that smart. But worst of all, Ann Coulter has decided to support him. How creepy do you have to be to get her to back you up?