It has finally happened. A 9/11 architect confessed to his evil deed and claimed responsibility for the attacks that killed thousands of Americans. Khaled Sheikh Mohammed, the highest-ranking member of al-Qaeda being held at Guantánamo Bay, has come clean.

Mohammad also took responsibility for killing Wall Street Journal reporter Daniel Pearl in 2002. In totally unrelated news, the US has been using a torture technique called The Attention Grab, in which the interrogator forcefully grabs the shirt of a prisoner and shakes him. But that doesn’t sound too bad.

Mohammad also confessed to being behind the 1993 World Trade Center Bombing. Have you ever heard of The Attention Slap? It’s pretty fun. You give your prisoner an open-handed slap in order to "cause pain and trigger fear." Sorry, let’s get back on track.

Mohammad apparently also confessed that he was the mastermind behind the “shoe bomber.” Wow, this guy was a planning genius. I’m sorry if I’m going off topic here, but the US loves to torture prisoners with something called a Belly Slap, in which a prisoner gets a hard open-handed slap to the stomach. That way you can cause great pain without internal injury. Smart.

Sorry, I’m meandering. Back to Mohammad. In 2002 a Marine was shot and killed in Kuwait. Guess who was behind that? You got it, Mohammad. What a fucker. Ever heard of the Cold Cell? It’s great. You make a prisoner stand naked in a 50 degree cell, then you douse him with cold water every once in a while. I don’t know why I wrote that; it has nothing to do with Khaled.

He is an awful man. That bastard confessed that he was the brain behind the Bali nightclub bombing that killed 180 people in 2002. Son-of-a bitch, I hope he burns. The same way US prisoners do when they are put into a Sweatbox. It’s a small, hot room that has no ventilation, which causes it to act like an oven. In Iraq they use the trunk of black Mercedes. They call it "bitch in a box". Funny stuff.

You know what’s not funny? Trying to kill a president. Mohammad confessed to trying to assassinate Clinton in the Philippines in 1994 or 1995. This guy is a fucking death machine. When I think of presidents, I think of George Bush, which makes me think of Donald Rumsfeld, which makes me think of his support for Water Boarding. That’s when a prisoner is bound to an inclined board, cellophane is wrapped over his face and then water is poured over him. The gag reflex kicks in and a fear of drowning causes the prisoner to beg for the process to stop.

That’s impressive. I wonder how long it took him to plan the bombing a hotel in Mombassa, Kenya? That reminds me of menstrual blood. What? Yeah, that’s right. The US likes to smear menstrual blood on prisoners’ faces.

Not so much, actually. But not as bad as I would have felt if Mohammad had been able to pull off his plans to destroy American military vessels and oil tankers, as well as bomb the Panama Canal. He confessed to all of that. He is worse than Dr. Evil. Man, I wish I had a sledgehammer to bang against a wall. That’s what US interrogators do to make an echo sound that scares the shit out of prisoners when they are sleeping in their cell. It sounds like an explosion. Hee hee.

I don’t know why I’m giggling. I’m writing a story about one of the greatest criminal minds in the history of the world. Did you know Mohammad confessed to being responsible for an assassination attempt against Pope John Paul II in the Philippines? What a fucking douchebag. It’s like he was trying to do everything! Scary. But not as scary as when a US interrogator would load a

Khaled Sheikh Mohammed was up to a lot of shit. Here’s some other stuff he has "confessed" to his US interrogators.

Planning attacks against several prominent American skyscrapers. Planning to assassinate several former American presidents, including President Carter. Planning to bomb several New York landmarks, including the stock exchange and suspension bridges. Planning to destroy several London landmarks, including Heathrow Airport and Big Ben. Planning to destroy buildings in the Israeli city of Eilat, using planes leaving Saudi Arabia. Planning to destroy Israeli and American embassies around the world. Sending fighters into Israel to conduct surveillance on strategic targets. Launching a Russian surface-to-air missile at an El Al airliner leaving Mombassa. Conducting surveillance on nuclear power plants in the United States. Planning to hit NATO headquarters in Brussels. Planning to bomb 12 American aircraft full of passengers. Planning the assassination of President Pervez Musharraf of Pakistan. Attempting to destroy an American oil company in Sumatra owned by the Jewish former secretary of state, Henry Kissinger.

Here are some other confirmed US interrogation techniques: Using sexual jibes and degradation, along with being forced to strip naked. Being forced to crawl on a leash. Being forced to masturbate in front of a female soldier. Being forced to mimic oral sex with other male prisoners. Being forced to form piles of naked, hooded men. Forced homosexual acts on other prisoners. Covering a prisoner’s head with a rancid-smelling sack for weeks or months. Threatening prisoners with dogs. Beating, punching, kicking and hitting with the back of an axe head. Being forced to sit on the exhaust pipe of a humvee. Outsourcing to dictatorships for torture. Chaining hands and feet in a fetal position for up to 24 hours. Grabbing genitals. Bending thumbs backwards. Gagging and covering head with duck tape. Hand shackles so tight that prisoner loses feeling in hands for six months.

Anyway, I feel better now that Mohammad has confessed.