Hugh Hefner, the 44th President of the United States

On January 24th, 2007, John Lavelle, a state assemblyman from Richmond County (a.k.a. Staten Island), New York passed from this mortal coil.

Mr. Lavelle was a dedicated public servant for over 25 years who most recently fought for the rights of 9/11 victims and their families. He will be sorely missed.

Mr. Lavelle’s untimely death has initiated a special election to fill his seat on the New York State Assembly.

Today, the two candidates in the special election, liberal Matt Titone and conservative Rose Margarella were forced to address swirling rumors in the local press that they are, in fact, cousins.

Mr. Titone and Ms. Margella both denied that they are blood relatives. As a result, a burgeoning political brouhaha on Staten Island looks to be null and void.

Yet, the idea of a candidate having to battle his/her own cousin in order to secure political office creates some intriguing paradigms and possibilities for the 2008 Election for President of the United States…

-- George W. Bush versus John Kerry --

This scenario is predicated on the fact that Dick Cheney, sooner rather than later, will orchestrate – either legally or via the use of the 101st Airborne Division – a change in the Constitution’s 22nd Amendment allowing Dubya to run again for President.

Dubya and Kerry are 9th cousins, twice removed. In the 2008 rematch, I give the edge to Kerry. He would, yet again, run as a mealy-mouthed, flip-flopping, spineless numb-nut but this country is so high-wide-and-handsome fucked-up, the Dems could probably run Janis Joplin’s ossified corpse against Dubya and carry Ohio in the ‘08.

I mean, Dems vs. Dubya round three is a lock for the Donkey...Right? Well, as long as the Dems candidate isn't a known pornographer...

-- George W. Bush versus Hugh Hefner --

Mr. Hefner is Mr. Bush’s 9th cousin as well. In this scenario, Cheney does his thing with the Constitution, setting up what, I think, would be a tight race. Every Christian-right nitwit who thinks the Bible is real would come out of the woodwork for this one. Bush could run his fake-ass “I’m a real Christian” game plan to the hilt and slam Mr. Hefner for running a girly magazine.

Then again, Hefner could rock the Generation Y vote by offering every American citizen under the age of 30 a ticket to his legendary Lingerie Soiree at the Mansion.

I see Mr. Hefner winning in a squeaker. Hail to the chief, baby. Three different first ladies?!?! That sounds just like my Grandmama’s kool aid to me – pretty fucking sweet.

-- Rudy Giuliani versus Regina Peruggi --

Ms. Peruggi was Rudy’s first wife. They were married for 14 years before Rudy paid the Catholic Church beaucoup dollars to have the union annulled.

Ms. Peruggi is also Rudy’s second cousin.

Ms. Peruggi has no political experience to speak of and Rudy has that bullshit reputation of being America’s Mayor. Then again, Rudy allegedly has more skeletons in his closet than seats in Yankee Stadium. Viagara addiction, Abner Louima, Amadou Diallo, two divorces, several affairs, as well as a documented record of slashing firefighter and police department budgets. Not to mention the fact that the Yanks haven't won a title since he suddenly became such a big fan.

I say Ms. Peruggi shocks the world to become the 44th President of the United States by running on a simple platform – “Rudy was shtupping his second cousin…and then he dumped her. What has happened to family values in this Nation?”