News > Politics > Horrible Army of the Dead

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SATURDAY JANUARY 6 2007 1:00 PM

The Army is having recruiting problems but there is solution to every problem. Unable to find the manpower they need by calling up active and inactive reserves, the military is now turning to re-upping the dead.

The letters were sent a few days after Christmas to more than 5,100 Army officers who had recently left the service. Included were letters to about 75 officers killed in action and about 200 wounded in action.

According to sources, zombie soldiers require less food and downtime, are more effective in combat, and are less likely to decry the Bush administration's continued fumbling of the not-war that is being not-conducted in Iraq. Also, should a zombie soldier be killed, his or her family has already been notified of the soldier's death, cutting down on paperwork and supply costs.

"Army personnel officials are contacting those officers' families now to personally apologize for erroneously sending the letters," the Army said in a brief news release issued Friday night.

The news release went on to clarify that, instead of letters encouraging re-enlistment, the Army had planned to use dark sorceries which would rip the screaming souls of the dead out of Hell and force them back into their rotting bodies.

Nathan Hale regretted having only one life to lose for his country, but that was before the advent of military funding for bloodstained necromancy practiced by the damned. "Grrrooaaaagh," commented one soldier, just before ripping the skull off of a bystander and gobbling down their yummy, crunchy brain.

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Comments

Waldo_Jeffers

United Kingdom

OLD SKOOL

JAN 06, 2007 01:05 PM

Bwah ha ha!!

earthgodd3ss

Yachats, OR

December 2006

JAN 06, 2007 01:07 PM

These war mongers need to be stopped! I could rant on about this for quite a long comment...but will refrain because it's too early in the day to get my blood boiling and my mood sour-ed

photoline

Edmonton, AB

January 2005

JAN 06, 2007 01:12 PM

Send Rumsfeld, Cheney and Dubya to war. Next up: recruitment age lowered to 13.

Volkov

San Antonio, TX

OLD SKOOL

JAN 06, 2007 01:20 PM

OR it could be a mistake caused by pulling names out of the wrong database to send the form letter to.