This week, the editors of SG approached me with the task of interviewing former Republican Congressman Mark Foley in light of his recent resignation. The transcript of this interview can be found below. At the behest of Mr. Foley, the interview was conducted via Instant Messenger.

Jkess1974: Good evening, Mr. Foley. Thank you for making time for this interview. I’m sure you’ve had numerous requests for interviews, and all of us at SG appreciate your granting me access.

Maf54: Im clicking around site now. Is there a suicide boys link?

Jkess1974: Not sure. I’ll check with the editors, and get back to you on that.

Maf54: there should b…it seems like gender bias to me. LOL

Jkess1974: Right. First question – I can only imagine the mental strain you must be under in lieu of recent events. Are you still in Washington, or are you weathering the storm, so to speak, back in your home state of Florida?

Maf54: i am in pensecola…had to catch a plane.

Jkess1974: Got it. I just wanted to tell you, that although this is my first assignment as a real news “journalist,” I did my homework. Last night I looked you up on Wikipedia. It says that during your political career, one of the pieces of legislation you helped pass was a bill that helped surviving heirs of Holocaust victims collect the money from life insurance policies that was owed them. Most journalists only focus on one aspect of any given story, but I wanted to be unique in my approach and start with something positive. So, as a Jew, I just wanted to say thank you!

Maf54: My pleasure. You are unique! How old are you?

JKess1974: 31. Why?

Maf54: That’s young. You must look good!

Jkess1974: Um, I guess. I’m okay. I write a lot and don’t exercise as much as I should, so I’m a bit pale…but, I’m getting off track. Sorry.

Maf54: Pale skin is healthy skin. Probably wrinkle-free nothing to be sorry about.

JKess1974: uhm…hold on a second, getting my notes in order. Ok, next question, it says here that while in office, you were one of the foremost opponents of Child Pornography, even chairing the House Caucus on Missing and Exploited Children. You also introduced a bill four years ago prohibiting websites from posting sexually explicit images of children, saying that “these websites are nothing more than a fix for pedophiles.” In light of the leak of the sexually charged Instant Message exchange between you and a 16 year-old page, how do you reconcile this disconnect?

Maf54: What r u wearing?

Jkess1974: What?

Maf54: What r u wearing!?

Jkess1974: Um…I’m not sure I see the relevance between what I’m wearing and the question I jus

Maf54: just trying to make you feel comf4table, so you can have a better interview. No biggie LOL

Jkess1974: t asked.

JKess1974: um. Okay. I still don’t see the relevance

Maf54: stop being a coyboy!

Jkess1974: Sorry. Didn’t mean to offend you. Did I offend you, Mr. Foley, sir?

Maf54: won’t be offended if you answer the question.

Jkess1974: Okay. Fine. I guess I can do this. I’m wearing jeans, a grey t-shirt, new balance sneakers…that’s it.

Maf54: hmm. do you have a bulge?

Jkess1974: I’m a little paunchy around the mid-section, if that’s what you mean. I really should exercise more often.

Maf54: I bet u have great legs

Jkess1974: Stop. You’re making me blush.

Maf54: ?

Jkess1974: My legs are kinda good. My sister always tells me I have nice legs and should wear more shorts…

Maf54: I’m making a mental picture.

Jkess1974: Seriously!? How do you do that? That’s totally like an X-man power! I once thought I could bend paperclips with my mind, but it turned out I couldn’t. long story.

Maf54: No silly! Im making a mental picture of your legs in tight tight shorts.

Jkess1974: Oh. Now i feel dum. Um, hey, but listen,…I’m not gay. I mean, I respect everyone’s sexual preferences and all…

Maf54: I’m not gay either. Until last week, I was a Republican Congressman! Stop getting weird or ill end the interview.

Jkess1974: sorry. Yikes. I totally misunderstood…its very difficult conducting an interview in a cyberspace. Sorry, Mr. Foley.

Maf54: It’s fine. No biggie.

Jkess1974: Ok, so next question. Do you feel that your resignation and the media frenzy surrounding it will hurt the Republican Party this election year?

Maf54: brb

Maf54 signed off at 7:40:42 PM

Jkess1974: Hello?

Maf54 signed on at 7:49:12 PM

Jkess1974: Hello?

Maf54: Hey.

Jkess1974: Hey. So,

Maf54: did any girl give you a hand job this weekend?

JKess1974: Huh? Um…no. I’m taking anti-anxiety/depression medication which has really affected my sex drive.

Maf54: did you spank it this weekend yourself?

Jkess1974: I still do that time to time…so, yeah. but why are you asking?

Maf54: wow. That’s hot. did you spank it the shower?

Jkess1974: No. I live in Brooklyn. My shower’s really really small. I can barely even shower in it.

Maf54: Did you spank it in bed?

Jkess1974: Whoa! That’s weird. How did you know that!?

Maf54: did your 1 eyed snake spirt into a towel or tissue?

JKess1974: no. into a used sock.

Maf54: Mmmm. I love used sox. Will u mail it to me?

Jkess1974: You want me to mail you…

Maf54: yes!!!!

Jkess1974: my…sock?

Maf54: I have aa totally stiff wood now!

Jkess1974: Wood? You mean like a…

Maf54: table. I moved my laptop to wood table.

Jkess1974: Oh, I was confused

Maf54: You’re a good interviewer. U make me want to open up. U should do this more.

Jkess1974: thanks! That means a lot to me, cuming from someone like you who is interviewd a lot.

Maf54: I feel like ive known you 4ever. I want to see pics of u?

Jkess1974: Well, I can email something if you want.

Maf54: No!!! Do you have a webcam?

JKess1974: Of course. Its 2006, everyone does.

Maf54: send me a pic.

Jkess1974: alright, why not! What should I take a picture of.

Maf54: show me what ur face looked like when you were a coyboy!!!

Jkess1974: ok. Hold on.




Maf54: that’s my coyboy!

Jkess1974: u like?

Maf54: haha yes. Very nice. Take another?

JKess1974: Sure. How should I do it this time?

Maf54: with yur shirt off. I bet yur not THAT paunchy!

Jkess1974: ok. But I warned you! LOL




Jkess1974: that one came out weird. I was totally yawning!

Maf54: Liar! You were showing off!!! LOL

Maf54: Do you have a ruler?

Jkess1974: Yeah. Why?

Mag54: For the next one, I want you to do something for me



Dear SG readership, due to the statutes laid forth by numerous International Laws governing permissible content for use on the Internet, the rest of Jonathan Kesselman’s interview with ex-Florida Congressman Mark Foley could not be posted. We apologize for any and all inconveniences.

Sincerely,

The Editorial Staff





Jon_Kesselman is the filmmaker responsible for THE HEBREW HAMMER. He is currently co-writing and directing Odd Todd for Paramount, writing and directing The Orbit Of Bob for Nickelodeon, producing Confessions Of An Ivy League Bookie with Andrew Fierberg and Steven Shainberg, and writing the sequel to the Hebrew Hammer, entitled The Hebrew Hammer 2: Hammer VS Hitler. He lives with his new partner Mark Foley and their two cats Snow Pea and Ratatouille in Brooklyn, NY