News > Politics > Satan is Being a Total Asshole

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TUESDAY JUNE 27 2006 9:00 AM

Satan is Being a Total Asshole

Tags: Satan, Utah, Congress, Jacob, Cannon

John Jacob of Utah is running for Congress against five-term incumbent Chris Cannon and having a very difficult time, mostly because of Satan. As everyone in politics knows, it is very difficult to beat an incumbent, but even more so when you are also squaring off against Beelzebub. Ever since Jacob decided to run for Congress, the Lord of Evil has screwed his business deals, preventing him from putting as much money into the race as he had hoped. Money he was counting on to finance his race has been frozen and the obvious culprit is the enemy of God.

"I don't know who else it would be if it wasn't him. Now when that gets out in the paper, I'm going to be one of the screw-loose people."

"We have a country that was created by our Heavenly Father and it was a country that had a Constitution and everyone who came to America had strong faith. If that can be destroyed that would be the adversity. . . . Whether you want to call that Satan or whoever you want to call it, I believe in the last eight months I've experienced that."

University of Utah political scientist Matthew Burbank thinks Jacobs El Diablo accusations wont be a major issue with his conservative base in the Republican primary. But he would most likely have to explain his comments more if he went on to the general election, when not just religious extremists are voting.

But Jacob does not believe he is the only one who is being opposed by The Tempter. His opponent, Cannon and Senator Bob Bennett are also fighting off the Lord of the Dark as they have both lost millions of dollars since going to Washington. Cannon's campaign did not respond directly to questions about The Beasts opposition.

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Comments

Ghaunth

Germany

December 2004

JUN 27, 2006 09:07 AM

Isn't that great! If this is true it means that Satan is either Liberal or Democrat. One more reason to go to hell!

Kundalini

Kalamazoo, MI

June 2004

JUN 27, 2006 09:10 AM

Obviously there is no other possible explanation than Satan.

Princelogos

USA

November 2005

JUN 27, 2006 09:15 AM

Murphy jumps in everybody's face from time to time;..but this guy is really tripping.
We maybe should ask him to explain : " The Seperation of Church and State."
He probably thinks it's about keeping the State out of Religion; and not the actual, sane reason of keeping wack jobs out of politics.