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  • THURSDAY MARCH 2 2006 8:43 PM

Terrorism Paranoia Claims Life of Innocent Bicycle

Submitted by Shal

Edited by Shal

Okay, America. I know we're all living in fear since 9/11. I know we keep getting told that terrorists and evildoers could be lurking in every neighborhood, every church (except the Christian ones, of course), every college campus in America. But seriously, folks. This has gone too far.

Today, police in Athens, Ohio took the life of an innocent bicycle in the name of the war on terror. The bike's crime? It was emblazoned with a sticker from a punk record label that read "This Bike is a Pipe Bomb."

The sticker on the bike chained outside the university-owned Oasis restaurant near the center of campus attracted the attention of a police officer about 5:30 a.m., spokesman Jack Jeffery said.

Police blocked streets around the restaurant and the Columbus police bomb squad came from about 65 miles away.

The bomb experts hit the bike with a high-pressure spray of water, then pried it apart with a hydraulic device normally used to rescue accident victims trapped in cars, acting Athens Fire Chief Ken Gilbraith said. Once they had it open, they saw there was no bomb.

The buildings, including some classroom facilities, were reopened after a couple hours.

Dean of Students Terry Hogan urged students to be more careful when showing support for the band from Pensacola, Fla.

University police interviewed the bike's owner then released him, Jeffery said. Police are still investigating.



Yes, because people who are going to detonate a pipe bomb often fashion their bombs into the form of a working bicycle and then chain it up to a bike rack after lovingly labelling their bombs so everyone will know. Keep up the good work, police of Athens, Ohio!

Now, somebody print me up some stickers that say "This SUV is a Pipe Bomb."

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Comments
Shal

Shal

Los Angeles, CA
October 2002

MAR 02, 2006 08:44 PM

I'm kidding about the SUV thing, by the way. I in no way support malicious damage to private property.

crispy

crispy

NEWSWIRE

Philadelphia, PA

MAR 02, 2006 08:56 PM

That is perhaps the dumbest thing I have ever heard.
Poor bike.

frown

And even more, poor bike owner. I would be seriously pissed.

Andvari

Andvari

Calgary, AB
April 2005

MAR 02, 2006 08:56 PM

MY BIKE!!!

catdad

catdad

Portland, OR
August 2002

MAR 02, 2006 09:00 PM

I'm trying to figure out, after all of that, what it is that the police are still investigating.

seanvegas

seanvegas

Lincoln, NE
December 2004

MAR 02, 2006 09:00 PM

Terrorist Segway!

palacemuse

palacemuse

Phoenix, AZ
March 2005

MAR 02, 2006 09:05 PM

I have the same sticker on my bike! This Bike Is A Pipe Bomb is/was a seriously ass kicking country & western punk band from Pensacola, FL. They rocked a mean house show in the day!

[Edited on Mar 02, 2006 10:06PM]

AceTracer

acetracer

Hollywood, FL
January 2004

MAR 02, 2006 09:14 PM

I knew it! Flux is a "terrist"!

TheFuckOffKid

TheFuckOffKid

NEWSWIRE

Australia

MAR 02, 2006 09:34 PM

Andvari said:
MY BIKE!!!


TERRORIST!!

oldmoonmeetnew

oldmoonmeetnew

Braintree, MA
February 2005

MAR 02, 2006 09:36 PM

Dude, that's hilarious. I can only imagine Chris' reaction when they tried to get ahold of him for comment. He should send El Gato Negro to play for their police, to prove plan-it X band's aren't harmful, haha.

TheFuckOffKid

TheFuckOffKid

NEWSWIRE

Australia

MAR 02, 2006 09:41 PM

Irrelevant Comment Alert.

I now keep hearing "This Bike is a Pipe Bomb" in my head.

In Billy Corgan's voice. "Bullet With Butterfly Wings" style.


surreal

68stretch

68stretch

Portland, OR
March 2003

MAR 02, 2006 10:01 PM

I know I'm older than dirt and more cootish than Andy Roony but, frankly, if you put a sticker on your bike that says, "this bike is a pipe bomb" you're pretty much asking for the bomb squad to come out and tear it apart.

Are you stupid enough to park your car at the airport with a bumper sticker that says, "my car is filled with high explosives". How about showing up at an abortion clinic with a t-shirt that says, "I'm here to murder abortion doctors." What, you expect security to just 'get' your hilarious joke?

ortho7117

ortho7117

Charlotte, NC
April 2004

MAR 02, 2006 10:13 PM

68stretch said:
I know I'm older than dirt and more cootish than Andy Roony but, frankly, if you put a sticker on your bike that says, "this bike is a pipe bomb" you're pretty much asking for the bomb squad to come out and tear it apart.

Are you stupid enough to park your car at the airport with a bumper sticker that says, "my car is filled with high explosives". How about showing up at an abortion clinic with a t-shirt that says, "I'm here to murder abortion doctors." What, you expect security to just 'get' your hilarious joke?




Word. Police have been given the mandate to be ultra-sensitive about terrorist threats; one must expect them to take those orders seriously. It's like when I can see that my pet cat is in a provoked state (for whatever reason); I don't try to pet him.

akl

akl

Sacramento, CA
February 2004

MAR 02, 2006 10:34 PM

Shalome said:
I'm kidding about the SUV thing, by the way. I in no way support malicious damage to private property.


It is kind of a funny idea, though. I did consider cafepress'ing it for a moment.

BlastProcessing

BlastProcessing

USA
OLD SKOOL

MAR 02, 2006 10:34 PM

Wait. Dean of students Terry Hogan?

alpha_hazard

alpha_hazard

Fort Collins, CO
April 2004

MAR 02, 2006 10:40 PM

I don't have any "This SUV is a Pipe Bomb" Stickers, but I can probably scrounge up "This SUV is a Dirty Bomb"

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