My SG column turns 21 today and instead of the traditional coming of age, puking in the bathroom of the club from rohypnol-induced memory lapse morning after the night before foggy autopsy, I though we’d take a clear headed look back at some of the highlights of the first 20.

But, before we get into that I should remind any of you out on tour or simply driving around at this time of year to be careful out there. The West Coast is fucked, the East Coast is fucked and Tour:Smart tip #674 is be careful driving on I-70 in an ice storm while creating your 21st Suicide Girls Column.

Having just scanned the first 20 columns, I think I need to apologize for having some of the most retarded, indecipherable column titles that any advice column has ever had. Even though I’m driving down I-70 and perhaps not concentrating as hard as I should be, some of the titles are completely mystifying to yours truly. So, let’s take this opportunity to index the first set of columns:

Column #1:
Martin Atkins' Tour:Smart: A hello, introduction, and invitation to submit case studies and comments.

Column #2:
Choosing New Band Members: This is probably the most usefully titled column and is also a comment on the increased demand on anybody in the entertainment field. I think the column is most enjoyed for the gem of advice which encourages band members to punch their singers in the throat. If it isn’t already, this is destined to be a classic.

Column #3:
How To Be a Better Opening Band: After a bit of a ramble about China, this hits some high points and is true to its title.

Column #4:
Case Study #1 – Pegasus Unicorn: A look at a hard working band from Erie, PA with some great ideas. Video clip coming soon.

Column #5:
How to Give a Good Interview: Oh my god! The third informatively titled column which explains the importance of representing yourself well to the press.

Column #6:
Strategy for Him: Some good, general strategies immersed in an aftershave commercial.

Column #7:
Why it is Essential to Tour: More good shit and with Myspace drowning in itself this column feels increasingly relevant.

Column #8:
Obviously: This is Your Brain….This is Your Brain on Tour: A more philosophical piece about touring and state of mind where paradox magically becomes a pair of boots.

The obviosity level, especially in the time period leading up to a tour, is at a decreased rate due to hopes, the dismissal of fears (which are still there lurking), the increased testosterone level enabling the dismissal of girly fears and the lame ass ability to label realistic fears as girly. Sensible becomes a bad word (try mentioning sensible shoes to the singer!), good becomes BAD and sane becomes mad, up becomes down and you HAVE to get down to get up. The faint blinking flicker of the tiny candle of hope in the distant mists of the horizon becomes more real than the two-foot-high flames leaping from the engine and moving perilously close to the lead guitarist's girlfriend's tarot cards.

Anyone suggesting that the m.p.g. of a vehicle be checked, buying a map (or g.p.s.) or any of that shit becomes silly, lack luster, cowardly, boy-scout-ish and against the mood of bravado that will get you through. Paradoxically (or if we were in the footwear business - pair of Docs-i-cally) in some forms this stupidity is essential, it is the voodoo of self propaganda that will enable you to make it and walk over the burning coals or, massively, NOT.

Column #9:
Neither Snappy Answers Nor Stupid Questions: Case Study #2 – Hay Perro Part 1 (local shows, frequency, etc)

Column #10:
24-Hour Democratic Party People: A look at strategies used in politics and how they might benefit a touring band.

Column #11:
More Q and A-Holes: Case Study #2 – Hay Perro Part 2 (routing and other considerations)

Column #12:
First Things First: Points to consider as you record your album.

Column #13:
You've Got Questions, We've Got Answers: Case Study #2 – Hay Perro Part 3 with focus in marketing and promotion.

Column #14:
Elevator Music for Elevated Individuals: An A.D.D. rambling on disappearing recording studios.

Column #15:
The Tour: An informative list of annoying things that bands do from the Creepy Crawl in St. Louis. This is an interesting look into the mindset of one particular club.

Column #16:
The Tour: Part II: Ramblings from the road and a continuation of the uplifting, positive vibe from the Creepy Crawl’s list

Column #17:
How To Get A Better Live Sound: Straight from Lee Popa’s contribution to Tour:Smart. This advice is priceless.

Column #18:
New Yorkers Eat Their Young: A look at a piece of the New York scene from Chvad from Things Outside the Skin.

Column #19:
Los Angeles Hits... Not Bong Hits: Comments from the west coast and why the solution is not “Let’s move to LA.” Plus a few thoughts on Radiohead

Column #20:
Thanksgiving and Tequila: Case Study #3 – Tequila Ray Max

Comment and let me know if you'd rather have more straight forward advice or A.D.D rambling. I’m not going to take any notice, but my all means let me know.

More hilarious stories from the road next time and to tide you over, here’s a link to my explanation of the Five Pointed Star Inward Facing Crush Strategy

Peace, Love, Respect

MarteeeeeeeeeeeeeeN