Who the hell saw that coming?

Here’s a quick history of Interpol:

Early years: frontman Paul Banks is born in England; he soon moves to America and spends some time in Spain; he ends up at NYU where he is a double major in English and Moles; guitarist Daniel Kessler is also born in England and soon moves to America; at an early age, he evinces talent for what will eventually become passions: music and looking at the floor; bassist Carlos D, nee Carlos Dengler, is born in New Jersey; early passion for fascistic fashions evinced when he dresses up as Idi Amin for Halloween (and President’s Day and Thanksgiving); drummer and eldest member Sam Fogarino is born in Philadelphia; during the Depression, he is unable to secure employment and enrolls in the Army where he eventually attains the rank of Captain; during World War II he storms Normandy and saves Western civilization.

2002: After several years of rehearsing and gigging, band lands on seminal record label Matador and releases their debut album, Turn on the Bright Lights. Pitchfork rates the album a 9.5. Upon realizing this score is .4 points higher than the Strokes debut, TigerBeat4Ever smashes head through computer monitor.

2004: Band’s follow-up, Antics, released. Pitchfork awards album an 8.5, or 2.83 points per good song. Upon realizing score is .5 points higher than the one awarded to Strokes sophomore album, Room on Fire, TigerBeat4Ever smashes head into the nice new LCD monitor he bought to replace the first one.

2007: Band’s third album, Our Love to Admire, released. Five minutes after placing album in CD player, TigerBeat4Ever removes it and stares quizzically at the shiny side, wondering if he purchased a defective copy. Surely it’s impossible that the band who wrote “Evil” wrote this, right? Upon realization that album was awarded a higher score than Strokes third album, First Impressions of Earth, TigerBeat4Ever slams head into the soft net he installed to prevent future monitor mishaps.

Let me make this clear: I like Interpol. It took me a while, but after having heard the six good songs on Turn on the Bright Lights repeatedly, I got over my aversion to the abrasiveness of “SHE CAN READ SHE CAN READ” and learned to love Paul’s voice and the band’s over-arching gloominess. It’s just that Interpol’s songwriting ability seems to be like that of Eminem’s and Robert Smith’s, i.e. directly proportional to the misery of their waking lives. If Eminem had never gone ten times platinum, we’d still be listening to entertaining songs about poverty and murdering gay people rather than songs about the hassles of fame and nauseating positivity like “Lose Yourself.” Interpol get worse with popularity. We could probably get a get another great album out of them if we could just find some way to make them all broke. (My solution: double the price of dry cleaning and Valtrex.) The good songs on Interpol’s follow-up are amazing; it’s just that there are only three of them. Interpol ain’t the Blood Brothers: it’s not like they have shrieking and explosions to keep you from getting bored during longueurs. Their slow songs induce narcolepsyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy whoops, I just feel asleep with my head on the keyboard - I’m listening to Interpol as I write this. Maybe I should put a net there, too.

Interpol’s new album does not contain a single great song. I struggled with writing that sentence. Not out of any great love for the band, but because I’m writing this using Microsoft Word 2007 on Vista and it keeps crashing every fifteen secon

Hello? Sorry, crashed. There are a few songs I like – “All Fired Up” is pretty good. But that have-to-got-to-NEED-to hear it feeling that I get out of bed for in the morning is missing, and this is a band that’s capable of generating it. (Semi-side note in reference to track 8, “Rest My Chemistry”: quit nicking the “Where is My Mind” riff; you’re just going to remind me how the Strokes stole it to much better effect and I’m going to get whiplash or break a lamp.)

Remember when She Wants Revenge first came along and everyone stopped accusing Interpol of being Joy Division copycats (which they never were) and started accusing She Wants Revenge of being an Interpol cover act (which they most certainly were)? She Wants Revenge’s appropriation of Interpol’s sound was so complete as to be legally actionable. Even though I loved their breakthrough, “Tear You Apart,” as well as every subsequent track played on radio, I never listened to the album at length or took them seriously as an act.

That’s over now. Their new single, “Written in Blood,” is a minor classic; on par with if not better than “Tear You Apart.” It contains what no song on the new Interpol album does: a knock-out hook. (A “hook” is the memorable, catchy part of the song. Some of you knew that, but a lot of you like Radiohead, so I thought I’d quickly explain.) Also in stark contrast to Interpol, the lyrics are not nonsense. (Seriously, “we spies, we slow hands” sounds like Ebonics.) I want to talk about how great the cowbell in the chorus is, but you all know why I can’t. Add to this their second single, “True Romance,” and they’re 2 and 0. It actually forced me to go back and listen to their debut from start to finish, which is more than half good.

I’m not crazy. I’m not saying that She Wants Revenge is a better band overall, or that the quality, complexity, and originality of their best songs exceed the best by Interpol. I’m just saying, with absolute certainty, that their forthcoming album will have a minimum of two great songs and that Interpol’s current album contains zero. They’re a better band right now, and it’s a turn of events that no one would have predicted a year ago.