Wow, my first column! I guess I should introduce myself. I'm a really big music fan and I'm disgusted by the pornography on this website. Also, I will never respond to your comments.

Did you know that Kanye West and 50 Cent both released albums last week? You probably did, considering the amount of media attention they received. I read about it in Wine Spectator. Public opinion about the head-to-head has been decidedly lopsided, with every single person on planet Earth on Kanye's side. Except me.

50's detractors have a standard litany of his crimes against rap. He can't rap. That's usually number one. Second, the man is an art-hating mercenary even when judged by the standards of the hip-hop industry. In every interview he gives, he blithely makes statements like “this song is directed at my target demo” (a group comprised of white teenagers and black recidivists) as if the creative process behind music were as soulless and mechanical as the creative process behind network television. Rap shouldn’t be focus grouped, and if 50’s is, his test audience should be checking the box marked “strongly disagree” next to the statement “This is good music.” The man is a bully. He may have done us a favor by annihilating Ja Rule, but his subsequent contrived feuds with Fat Joe, Jadakiss, Game and Diddy were obvious retreads of a once-successful publicity ploy. (Having said that, he deserves some credit for his choices of legitimately intimidating adversaries, unlike his mentor Eminem, whose ascendancy to superstardom was fueled in part by threatening to murder Christina Aguilera and some squirrels.) Add to these charges his indefensible foisting of G-Unit upon the world, and you have the rare case of a mega-successful musician with no actual fans.

But I can’t loathe the guy. I think this mostly has to do with my having read his memoir, From Pieces to Weight. If you have ever been threatened with death because your uncle stole some cocaine from a stash you sold to thugs, you should be allowed to disdain art and care solely for wealth. Actually, you should be allowed to do so regardless and we should dismantle the National Endowment for the Arts. I also happen to detest backpacker rap, and if you ignore 50’s god-awful, metaphorical sex songs (“Candy Shop,” “Amusement Park,” and the yet-to-be-recorded “Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf of Fucking”), at least dude is gully. He delivers what I expect from the genre: amoral glorification of crime, and not repeated exhortations to “take it back to the old school!” Have you ever actually listened to the Sugar Hill Records box set? Good God. Among 50’s several redeeming qualities is the fact that he’s not Jurassic 5.

Kanye West, on the other hand, is the single most obnoxious participant in the modern day music industry, and yes, I am aware that Brooke Hogan has a record deal. This statement is not predicated on the man’s egomania. There’s arrogance, and then there’s unrelenting crying over not having won a Grammy. Yes, a Grammy, the award presented to Steely Dan for “Best Album” in the year 2000. Steely Dan. Perhaps you’ve heard some of their hit piano rolls at your local nickelodeon. This year, he freaked out backstage after not having won an MTV Music Video Award. Did the enormity of the charge in the previous sentence escape you? Let me rephrase: this is a fully grown black man who threw a temper tantrum over not receiving an award invented in the early 80’s for the sole purpose of convincing Kajagoogoo to fly from Bedfordshire to Manhattan. It is the equivalent of Tom Hanks complaining that he did not win an MTV Movie Award for “Most Dope Roundhouse Kick.” I would not put it past the man to boycott the Kid’s Choice Award for not being nominated in the category of “Silliest Cool Dude.” He also happens to have an IQ of 40 and considers himself the smartest rapper alive.

He’s right.

I also only like one song by him, and it’s actually a Dilated Peoples song (“This Way”). His new single sucks. That Daft Punk sample was played out five minutes after Thomas and Guy-Man wrote it between bites of brie.

50 Cent has four good songs.

I’m not sure why I get so worked up about these things. I won’t be purchasing albums by either.

I wonder who Zac Efron likes more?