Somewhere between FUSE gallery in NYC, Hole In The Sky Black Metal Festival in Bergen Norway, (loads of nice people – guess what, they don’t JUST burn churches!) and the horrible jet lag of too many trans-Atlantic flights in a few days – the following column tumbled out. The condos are real, everything else you should take with a grain of whatever powder you think appropriate...



The Hit Factory NYC, 54th street – (One of the world’s largest and most successful recording facilities, known for producing, well, hits.)
I was there, just briefly in the '80s sometime.
“Oh yeah,” says a passerby, “I live there now.”
Yup, want to record an album at the Hit Factory? Well you can’t because you’ll wake the neighbours who will soon be sleeping in the drum room!

Shhhhhhhhhh.

The world famous studio building is being converted into condos. So, I’m wondering what the premium, the cache, the whatever is. Does the sound of Lou Reed, Madonna, U2 still reverberate in the toilet? Do the pipes still hold their magic and if so, can we call a plumber? One pitch says, “You can sing in the shower with the ghosts of Mick Jagger, Stevie Wonder and Tony Bennett!” Yeah, except none of those people are dead. Does my condo contract come with a, errrr, contract? IF so then yes, count me in – I want the Madonna suite! Starting at 1 million plus, you will be thrilled to walk past the old gold discs in the lobby.

Are you likely to remove a brick and, Alcatraz style, find someone’s stash?
I’ve heard of hiring an exterminator to get termites out of your walls …..but needles?

You can buy T-shirts in the lobby that proudly announce;
“Janis Joplin puked in my toilet!” or, “Proud parent of a soccer kid that SCORED! Living in the building where John Lennon SCORED!” and other charming items that give each condo, each pad, each crib a unique odor…choose the unique "heroin addict blood filled syringe discharge spiral" pattern for your living room carpet – CSI Chic.

The remaining vibes are more prominent than even the developers hoped for; Complaints are on the increase, the accountant living in the area known as drum room two – a favorite of Ginger Baker – is on the verge of being fired for being constantly late! (Insert drum roll here please) The woman with the magnificently appointed kitchen located on the exact spot of the studio one vocal booth made famous by Vanilla Ice, wants to leave - she cannot make her children’s favorite sandwich because she is always out-of tun-a! (Insert another roll here please with cymbal crash) The hot chick in apt 4B was just arrested for indecent exposure because she can never find her g-string. Since moving into the Studio B apt complex, made famous for the Prince recordings, the usually quiet family in apt. 1997 is confused, behaving as if they are the x-popping ravers next door – partying as if they are in apt. 1999.

Some things are sure
This is a brick house, they are living next door to Alice, its been a long time since the rock and roll, rust never sleeps and and and……

As a kind of icing on the cake, the developers have piped the hits from this world famous studio into the elevators and restrooms of the building. What a fitting tribute indeed.
Can you feel the spirit of Elvis? Can you feel it?

Of course you can, you’re treading on it.

Coming soon : Assasination Park – Dallas……….have hours of fun with the kids tracking the trajectory of the bullet that killed JFK – see if your condo was the one!

See you on the road – send me an e-mail, we are booking mini seminar dates NOW!