STRATEGY FOR SUCCESS:
PRACTICE FOR CATASTROPHE AND YOU WILL ALWAYS TRIUMPH

Over three days at the D-22 Club in Beijing, China, I recorded over 16 bands that went from basic four-piece drums/bass/guitar/vocals to bands almost insanely ambitious in their instrumental scope and variety – foot-pedaled organs, hand-cranked ratchets, noise guitar. The club and the sound man were doing absolutely everything in their power to accommodate any direction anybody wanted to go in. So it was interesting and quite disappointing to encounter some of that uniquely western-entrenched blaming, complaining bullshit from one of the bands. They spent 45 minutes complaining about the monitors, the mics, pretty much everything before eventually launching into a song. The mix was nowhere near right. But, realizing this, and hearing an interesting tone between the two guitarists, I jumped to the front and positioned my head in between them, closest to the one who was the quietest, creating my own mix in my head. I had just started to get into their sound when they stopped playing and started complaining again. I hung around for another four minutes wondering how these guys were so successful and confident in their future that they were ok with leaving the owner of a record label standing around by the front of the stage. Then I kind of just gave up thinking about any of it and went outside to see what was going on on the streets of Beijing.

The manager came out onto the street 20 minutes later to see what I had thought of the band. I said that it really didn’t matter and I honestly didn’t care how good or bad they were. I had no idea what I could possibly do with the band with that attitude.

I took the time to do a drawing and explain to them this: “Of course, you could be amazing under the best conditions, anybody can. That’s not the game. You need to be amazing under the worst of conditions. There are many phrases that cover this: ‘When the going gets tough, the tough get going.’ ‘Rise above.’ ‘Man up!’ But I kind of like: ‘Don’t be a fucking asshole – get on the stage and do the best you can, you wanker!’” I drew on a piece of paper the numbers one through ten – one being the worst possible situation: bad or no monitors, bad PA, small audience, no food, diarrhea running down your legs. Number ten being an amazing show at a venue like House of Blues Chicago, backstage showers, great food, great dressing rooms, wonderful monitors and PA, great crew. And I told them, “If you are planning for success, do you train to succeed at a 10 out of 10 venue, or a one out of ten venue?” Unbelievably, they and their manager chose the 10 out of 10 venue! And I said, “Look, if you train as a band and crew to pull off a fantastic show in a situation that’s one out of 10, it will always be better. If you practice for a 10 out of 10 venue, it will ALWAYS be worse. That’s it.”

With more and more bands starting everyday, exposure becomes the most precious commodity of all. As it gets harder and harder to play to fewer and fewer people, it becomes essential that if and when you do get a chance to play to a wider audience, you don’t blow it. By paying attention to this, you can absolutely decide where your band will be in a year’s time.

DO’S AND DON’TS:
DO TELL your drummer not to put his or her new drum heads on in the middle of the auditorium and start pinging away to tune them up in the middle of anyone’s sound check.
DO BE PREPARED to have no sound check. IF YOU DON’T get one – don’t be upset. Get on with it. You’ve trained for this right? And don’t mention the fact that you didn’t get a sound check to the audience during your show. They probably had no idea… until now!
DO HELP the merchandise person – carry some boxes, etc. He or she MIGHT have something to do with WHO gets to play next time. Get him or her water or coffee – OR – if you are going out for Thai or pizza after sound check – offer to bring him or her and/or the soundman a SLICE!
DO HAVE a few different versions of your set ready for an opening slot IF you are using ADAT tapes or computers to supplement your live sound. If your set is going to be 30 minutes long, have a 20 minute version, even a 15 minute version ready. When the tour manager comes running into the dressing room and, because of any one of a hundred things outside of his control – gives you a choice of 15 minutes or nothing, you can be gracious under fire… you never know how he might show his appreciation – a six pack, a pizza, or a chance to be on the bill the following month when the band swings back… because you weren’t an asshole!!!
DO GET an uninterruptible power supply if you’re using backup electronic reinforcement or anything electronic!
DO TURN ON ALL THE LIGHTS when sound checking! That way you can see if the power of everything will cause a short circuit.
DO PAY FOR IT if you damage a mic or a monitor.
DO COMMUNICATE with the label/management, etc. Let them know if you are seeing good postering – is the ad spelled correctly? Make sure the main band is on your flyer and it looks like you are opening – the band will get pissed if you do your own flyer that looks as if they are supporting you. Don’t fuck with their logos – make it respectful. Basically, set up a situation where, even if they don’t LOVE your music, they will say, “Hell, we need to make sure those guys are involved in the next date!” and ask, “Do you guys do well anywhere else?” JACKPOT!
DO BE NICE and don’t think that just because your album is good and you know the lead singer – it means SHIT!!!
DON’T be negative.
DON’T be too early. Don’t show up four hours early with 10 friends who want to see the main band soundcheck. Stay out of the way.
DON’T call the tour manager/manager seven times. Get all of your questions together and make one call, maybe with a follow up. Have ONE person do the communicating.
DON’T disappear right before it’s time to get onstage to try and stall until there are more people in the venue. Get ON and OFF stage at the correct time.
DON’T ask for any more beer! Is it worth saving $8-$10 to bother the tour manager or club owner and make the point to them that when you do bother them, it’s going to be related to alcohol??? Buy a fucking 6-pack!
DON’T hang around in any of the other dressing rooms – get you and your band out of the way. If you stumble across a huge spread of hearty food or cases of beer and wonder if it’s yours… it isn’t!
DON’T play the same city a week before or after a free radio show. It will diminish your ticket drawing power and make you look like you just don’t get it when the tour manager settles the show. “I thought that ‘such and such’ were a big draw – at least that’s what they told me two months ago!” “Oh, yes they are,” replies the club owner. “The show last week was amazing!” UGH, end of story.
DON’T COMPLAIN about anything to anyone.
DON’T get drunk and start a fight, as amazing as this might seem…
DON’T BRING THE GIRLFRIEND OR BOYFRIEND YOU JUST BROKE UP WITH because she or he likes the main band. Social dynamics could get strange; you or they might get drunk and start a fight.
DON’T slag off the main band or a sponsor anywhere in the venue (especially over the P.A. system). This could be damaging to a potential relationship. You have no idea who anyone is. You might be talking next to the band’s publicist.
DON’T BE SO INSECURE that you start to act like what you think a really successful singer in a band would act like…You are in one of the opening bands!
DON’T throw shit all over the stage (literally or figuratively) unless you are the SuicideGirls and it’s chocolate sauce. Don’t go crazy and knock all of the mics over – the soundman will be pissed and he will remember you! The support network of people involved in these shows will be making decisions that directly affect your future and the success of your band.

Another part of this column is about me talking to bands and giving them some helpful advice. The first is an in-depth look at a band from Erie, PA – Pegasus. They’ve got some great ideas and I’m going to be posting the first part of a case study for them sometime in the next week along with one on a band from the UK who had a problem with a guest list at TSTouring. And, once again if you want me to have a look at your band and come up with some suggestions then send me an email.
Until then…