The SuicideGirls have asked me to write a column for those of you guys and gals in (or connected to) bands that are doing something other than sitting around, complaining and waiting for a record deal to land in your lap.

I have been teaching the business of touring at Columbia College here in Chicago for the last four years. Right about now you might be thinking to yourself, “A-ha! Those who can – do; those who can’t – teach.” And whilst that is true much of the time, it’s not true in my case. I’ve been touring since nineteen seventyfuck. From backing strippers in the northeast of England at the age of 11, to touring the world with Public Image Ltd., Killing Joke, Ministry, and then my band Pigface. I’m still doing it now. I just returned from 16 days in China. BUT, as I would advise any of my students or any of the bands on my label, consider the source when anyone in the music business tells you anything. For instance:

“This track is great. I can hear female vocals on the chorus.” Means: “my girlfriend thinks she’s a singer.”

“You guys should tour with this other band I know. They’re awesome.” Means: “the bass player’s my coke dealer and maybe this will get me another bag.”

“The show’s been cancelled because the lead singer of the headlining band slipped on a banana at the zoo and his foot is trapped in a gorilla’s ass.” Means: “ticket sales are bad, nobody cares, and we can’t use the twisted ankle in the bathtub excuse again.”

I could go on (or you can send me some of yours if you want to) but you get the idea.

So, consider the source. My book will be published soon, and it’s so big and heavy with over 450 pages that you will ASSume I know all kinds of shit. In the meantime, you can check out the video clip or you can read my bio.

Think of your parents before you get fucked.
This is another fun thing I advise people to do. I’m not intending to ruin an experience for you. I’m just suggesting that when it comes to spending large amounts of money in the music business, you consider what your parents would say if you told them you just spent $10,000 on a used vehicle. It seems that most people will spend more time shopping around for the best deal on a video game than they will on investigating the ability of someone making large promises to actually deliver on those promises. So, think of your parents, think of your parents fucking, and hold that image in your head while you’re negotiating a radio promotions deal, buying some massive, obsolete, useless piece of studio equipment, or listening to some asshole making a promise about anything where he gets a check before you get to meet Axl Rose.

So, I guess I’m also trying to distill pieces of knowledge into potential t-shirt slogans—or at least something so deeply embedded in your mind that it will serve as "the thing that you stick in a crack to attach your rope to, to rappel down the side of your brain, to retrieve the golden treasure of this advice." Or you might just remember the fact that I’m that shit writer who couldn’t remember the name of "the thing you stick in a crack" (and on the SuicideGirls site, yet).

Something else I’ve been doing more and more is conducting case studies of both tiny and huge bands (who should know better), and then applying my ideas, theories, and common sense to the situations they find themselves in. Usually I try to throw out some advice along with anecdotes to illustrate my points, but more often than not I end up watching the horrifying, slow-motion car crash from a distance. I’ll share some of these with you in upcoming columns. It’s pretty unusual for bands, managers, or really anyone in the music business to cop to mistakes they’ve made. I think that’s a major explanation for the complete lack of a learning curve on the artist side of the business. I mean think about it: when was the last time you heard somebody on the radio or on television or down at your local bar grabbing everyone’s attention and saying, “Yeah, Florida was great but all the gigs were terrible, let’s have a couple of beers while I tell you about all of the stupid mistakes we made, how much money it cost us, and how many times I sat at the side of the road and cried…?” It doesn’t happen very much, does it? Well, let me start the ball rolling in the spirit of sharing and openness. It’s not a road story, it’s a label owner story, but I think it will convince you that as far as the sharing of information is concerned (even if it makes me look like a total fucking idiot) I am hard as nails right there ready to share.

Many years ago I was bouncing backwards and forwards across the Atlantic. My studio was in England and my label office was in Chicago. It got to a point at the office where the demos pile was almost up to the ceiling, so I spent a couple of weeks going through packages. One of the last ones I came across had been posted over a year and half before. As I opened it the name was instantly familiar……….Disturbed. I think their huge hit was playing on the radio as this was happening. So, there’s not much of a lesson for you in that one other than open your mail in a timely manner—but I’d lay that one out there in the spirit of sharing and openness.

The case studies so far are all pretty astounding, useful, and informative. If you want to submit your situation to me to have a look at, talk about and suggest some things to help we can do that too. Post your comments and questions below. You can also send a big pile of information to me at: Martin_Atkins. We can talk about anything from routing, marketing strategies, sex on the road, drugs, idiot agents, (I think that’s redundant - like saying pedophile priest?), promoters, package tours, vehicles, managers, equipment, screen printing, immigration, street teams, how to be a better opening band, thirty strategies for your show to be more successful, tour managers, karma, China, anything you want. I’ll try and make the difficult parts easy, the boring parts entertaining, and most of it as painless as possible, but you don’t get something for nothing and you gotta pay some fucking dues somewhere dude!

I’ll let your responses and questions guide where this column goes, but also reserve the right to ignore everyone and write about soccer, David Beckham, New Castle Brown Ale, tape delays, spring reverbs, dub, beats, or anything that interests me anytime I choose.

Next week will be “tips on how to be a better opening band.” Send me some of your best and worst stories. Anything I use will get a free “think about your parents fucking” t-shirt as a token of my gratitude and a copy of my book to put under the wheels of your van to stop it rolling downhill.