Owwww! I don’t feel good. I’m in a cold sweat.

As you all probably know by now, James Brown, aka the Godfather of Soul, aka Soul Brother Number One, aka Mr. Dynamite, died on Christmas morning at the age of 73. Although the press will likely focus on his entire musical legacy, for this edition of the Suicide Watch I’m going to focus on the Hardest Working Man In Show Business’s Greatest Hits! I’m talking about the ones that left an undeniable mark…on many women’s faces. And arms. And legs. And torsos.

You wanna hear it like it did on the top, fellas? Yeah!? Hit it now!!!

Bomp Bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp…

JAMES BROWN’S GREATEST HITS:

1) “Adrienne”

In 1987 JB, was brought in by police for attempted murder after he beat his wife Adrienne Brown with a pipe, and then shot his gun into her car, where she had taken cover. Although James had many run-ins with the law, this particular instance was the inspiration for the oldie-but-goodie hit, Adrienne. Adrienne was not only JB’s first breakout hit, but it was also his first collaboration with Adrienne Brown.

On this track, the percussive, staccato sound of pipe hitting bone blends seamlessly with Adrienne’s falsetto wailing and her rhythmic sobbing. All of this, of course, is punctuated with a killer horns section, and James' unintelligible mumbling.

On the five-star-scale, Adrienne gets a full five stars not only because James used a solid metal pipe to smack his bitch up, but mainly because James finished it with a bang. Many insiders in the domestic abuse circuit consider the original Adrienne JB’s only true number one hit; number one with a bullet!

2) “Get Up Offa That Thing”

This hit was inspired in 1995 after James Brown collaborated with Adrienne for the second time in his career. Allegedly, the pioneering musician/wife beater denied the charges, and his wife repudiated the charges as well, stating that, "This has been a total mistake. James is not responsible for this accident." The charges were dropped after Adrienne claimed that she “…accidentally hit a mirror.”

“Accidentally Hit A Mirror” was considered groundbreaking vocal phrasing at the time, and many of James Browns’ contemporaries have adopted similar leitmotifs in their own work. Some examples include: “She accidentally fell into my fist,” “It was windy, and that tree branch repeatedly whipped that good for nothing skank,” and “I swear, I saw it with my own two eyes. That motherfuckin’ television set got up from the entertainment center and raped her!”

3) “Get Up Now! (Git On Up)”

At the sprightly age of 71, and showing no signs of slowing his roll, James Brown put out his last great hit, this time working in conjunction with the delectable Tomi Rae Brown. Incredibly, the tune is both cacophonous and melodic; it crescendos into one of Brown’s greatest song-enders, the sound of Tomi Rae being pushed into a pile of luggage on their bedroom floor after James growls in his delicious, virile slurred-butterscotch voice, “James Brown gonna kill you, bitch!” While not the biggest selling hit of his career, this LP had one the greatest album covers of all-time.

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

The luggage from the scuffle, as well as James’ bathrobe from this infamous album cover are now both on display at the Hard Rock Café in Universal City, hanging directly next to the ring that Ike Turner used to stamp his initials into Tina Turner’s forehead. Also, while you’re there, try an order of “Joe Perry’s ‘Rock Your World’ Quesadilla.” All joking aside, that quesadilla will, in fact, rock your world.

Jon_Kesselman would like to wish you a Happy New Year!