Dan Brodribb's Geek Love: Conversation Fundamentals: Question Quommandments

(This is a continuation of a series of articles on the fundamentals of conversation. The first one is here. You should probably read it first.)

Almost everyone says you should ask a lot of questions on a date. Almost everyone is full of shit.

If you’re self-disclosing properly, the conversation will flow so naturally you won’t need to ask a lot of questions, provided the other person isn’t Ed the drummer from Almost Famous. By minimizing questions, you make the ones you DO ask that much more powerful. Here are eight other commandments (*) to improve your question-mileage.

Thou shalt only ask a question if you care about the answer. If you are asking questions to fill awkward silences, “just to be nice,” or as a segue into a cool story you want to tell about yourself it is often a sign that you are a) shouldering too much of the conversational burden or b) trying too hard either to impress or to be liked. Either way, it’s counterproductive.

Thou shalt not ask too many questions in a row without revealing something of yourself in return. You aren‘t a therapist or a job interviewer. Besides, conversation is supposed to be a game of catch. If one person does all the asking and the other does all the answering it turns into a game of fetch. And that‘s going to get boring for at least one of you.

Thou shalt only ask one question at a time. Sometimes when you’re nervous, there is a temptation to ask a second question before the other person has a chance to answer the first one. (Ex: “Is the food good? Do you like it?”). Pick one question and ask. You can always stop and correct yourself if necessary. (Is the food good? Do you like--? Sorry about that. What I meant to say was: How do you find your meal?”)

Thou shalt focus on emotional content. Some personality types tend to be most interested in facts: How do I get to the bank from here? Who led the NBA in rebounds in 1996? Where are my goddamn car keys? Unfortunately, fact-based questions tend to lead to conversational dead-ends. A question like “What’s so interesting about the NBA anyway?” will get you much further.

Speaking of avoiding dead ends…

Thou shalt ask open questions. A closed question is a question that can be answered with one or two words, (ie: “Are you high?”) Open questions require more in the way of a response (“What‘s your take on decriminalization?”)

Thou shalt not get too fancy. Some people go to great lengths looking for the perfect question, but that kind of creativity is often counterproductive. Elaborate questions come off as trying too hard, contrived, or awkward. They also tend to narrow the conversational field instead of broadening it. Unless you‘re dating a marine biologist “How has your choice of seafood been affected by the recent findings in the scientific community on the environmental impact of commercial fishing?” is another dead end waiting to happen.

Remember the point isn’t to ask a great question. The point is to get a great answer.

Thou shalt--if necessary--use follow up questions. Sometimes you’ll ask a question and get a response that‘s too short, too vague, or lacks emotional content. In such cases, you can use follow-up questions to get them to elaborate. What was that like? How did you feel about that? Then what happened? Are all great examples.

Thou shalt remember to gather information you need to move things to the next level. If you think this might be the night she comes back to your place to “check out your collection of Ethiopian carvings,” asking “what time do you have to get up tomorrow?” can often tell you everything you need to know. Similarly, if you meet a distinguished gentleman at an art exhibit, remembering to ask “Are you married?” should probably come BEFORE you make the decision whether or not to go for drinks.

If you catch yourself asking too many questions, you can always pull the slick move of turning a question into a statement. Instead of saying, “What are your hobbies?” you can say “I’d like to hear about what you do for fun” or “Tell me more about your 80s cartoon lunchbox collection.”

So there you go. Questions 101. If you have any questions, I’d love to see them via the comments section below (See what I did in that last sentence? Thank you, I‘m here all week).


(*) Commandments might be a little strong. You won’t be damned forever if you don’t follow them. They are useful, although ‘8 Useful Hints’ doesn’t have the same alliterative ring.

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