Long before he was the most dangerously incompetent governor California has ever had, Arnold Schwarzenegger was the biggest action superstar on the planet, and everything he touched turned to box office gold.

Most of my generation first saw him in the title role of 1984’s The Terminator, a movie that was perfectly suited to his, um, acting ability, and (unfortunately for science fiction fans) cemented him in the minds of studio executives as the guy for science fiction movies.

As I observed in Sci-Fi Guilty Pleasures of the 80s:

Sci-Fi/Action is the most common Schwarzenegger hybrid, and he can be found chewing up cigars and scenery in some of the biggest blockbusters of the 80s and 90s.

In true action star fashion, Schwarzenegger totally overwhelms the roles he plays to the point of self-parody in each one. In the 80s, as a science fiction fan, I hated this, but with the benefit of time and the ability to not take these movies so seriously, I can enjoy them for the guilty pleasures that they are.

For this month’s Geek in Review, I reached into the vault, and pulled out a few of the future Governator’s more memorable sci-fi vehicles. To get perspective from the damn kids today, I convinced my 17 year-old son, Nolan, to watch them with me and give me a comment on each one.

The films are presented in chronological order, and are ranked on the McBain scale, which hopefully needs no further explanation.

The Running Man (1987)
In the future, society has collapsed and turned into a police state. The only thing more popular than rioting for food is watching the hit game show The Running Man, where convicted criminals try to escape from a hilarious group of “stalkers” who use the power of ice hockey, chainsaws, and LEDs to catch them. Arnold Schwarzenegger sits at the center of this Venn diagram, and with the help of his friends and a lot of spandex jumpsuits, manages to get the highest ratings ever, and bring down the government. Also, Mick Fleetwood is there.

Awesomely Awesome Because: To the film’s credit, it stops pretending to be something it’s not by the second reel. When Schwarzenegger tells Running Man host Richard Dawson’s Killian, “I’ll be back,” we know exactly what to expect from the rest of the film, and we’re not disappointed. Listening to Schwarzenegger and Maria Conchita Alonso speak heavily-accented dialog, and watching the excess of the late 80s –– on full, unapologetic display –– is unintentionally hilarious. Jesse “The Body” Ventura and Richard Dawson essentially play themselves in unselfconscious, uncomplicated performances that provide the perfect balance to Schwarzenegger’s ludicrous, over the top collection of McBainesque one-liners.

Awesomely Awful Because: The whole thing collapses under the weight of Schwarzenegger’s ludicrous, over the top collection of McBainesque one-liners. It’s like there are two movies struggling to get made here: one is a dark science fiction tale about a police state that abuses the public’s insatiable appetite for violence to maintain its grip on power, and the other is a series of convoluted scenes that exist simply to let Schwarzenegger feed it.

Obligatory Schwarzeneggerisms: Unnecessary biceps flexing? Check. Cigar-chomping? Check. Convoluted display of World’s Strongest Man-like feat of strength: Check. Quoting of The Line from Terminator? Check. Sappy, forced, “I learned something today” moment? Check. Uncomfortable romantic moment with a woman who’s too young for him? Check.

Nolan Says: “This movie needs 33% more skin-tight jumpsuits.”

McBain Ranking: 11 out of 10. (In fact, this may be the film that created McBain.)


Predator (1987)
Hey, did you hear the one about the guy who was dropped into the jungle with a bunch of red shirts and Apollo Creed? You know, the one with the alien and the cool thermal camera vision? Okay, it’s the one where Jesse Ventura has that ridiculous chain gun, and he’s all, “I ain’t got time to bleed!” Yes! That one!

Awesomely Awesome Because: Like The Running Man, once it drops the pretense of being something it’s not, and spends the rest of the film letting Arnold kick ass and struggle to pronounce names, it’s a whole lot of fun. And unlike the other films on this list, Schwarzenegger can’t really overwhelm the role, because he’s pretty much playing his character from Commando. The supporting cast is fine, and the climactic fight with the Predator is awesome.

Awesomely Awful Because: All the dialog in the non-Predator portion of the film is just painful to listen to. The entire MacGuffin about dropping an elite unit of commandos into the jungle who do the CIA’s dirty work –– but are surprised and pissed when they find out they’re doing the CIA’s dirty work –– feels like it was just lifted from another film. And for an elite secret fighting force that gets in and gets out before anyone knows they were there, they sure do make a lot of noise, fire thousands of rounds of ammunition, and never hit anyone. Still: GET TO DA CHOPPA!

Obligatory Schwarzeneggerisms: Unnecessary biceps flexing? Check. Cigar-chomping? Check. Convoluted display of World’s Strongest Man-like feat of strength: Check. Sappy, forced, “I learned something today” moment? Check.

Nolan Says: “It’s so sad that they gave that big guy such a tiny little gun.”

McBain Ranking: 6 out of 10.


Total Recall (1990)
Douglas Quaid is a construction worker with the hottest wife on the planet, who wants to fuck him every time he breathes. Because he is some kind of asshole, this dream life isn’t perfect enough for him, and he constantly fantasizes about living on Mars. His entire household budget goes toward keeping his wife’s hair huge, though, so they can’t afford to take an actual trip. Luckily for him, a company called Rekall can implant vacation memories that anyone can afford, so he visits Mars that way. But just visiting Mars isn’t awesome enough, so he tells Rekall to make him a secret agent, throw in some alien artifacts, and a nefarious plot to destroy the planet. He also wants to nail a girl while he’s there who isn’t nearly as sexy as his wife, and is actually kind of skanky. Seriously. Asshole!

Something goes wrong (or does it?) at Rekall, and Quaid finds out that ... he’s a secret agent on a mission to Mars, where there are lots of alien artifacts and he’s nailing a girl who isn’t nearly as sexy as his wife. Before we’re done, people try to kill him, he uncovers a nefarious plot, saves the world, and gets the girl –– who isn’t as sexy as his wife. We’re not sure if he’s dreamed the whole thing, but one thing is crystal clear: this guy is an asshole.

Awesomely Awesome Because: Throughout the whole film, we’re left to wonder if the whole thing is a dream or not, and there are an equal number of clues to support both conclusions. Anchored by reliable science fiction villains Ronny Cox (Robocop) and Michael Ironside (Scanners) it’s a great 70s-style science fiction thriller, right up until the third act, when the whole thing falls apart and becomes an intelligence-insulting action movie with science so bad, it couldn’t even fool George W. Bush. If you’re hoping for a faithful adaptation of Phillip K. Dick’s classic We Can Remember it for You Wholesale –– as I was in 1990 –– you’re going to be profoundly disappointed. But if you’re willing to suspend all of your disbelief, you’ll be glad you got your ass to Mars.

Awesomely Awful Because: It won an academy award for its visual effects, but the miniatures, blue screens, and foam rubber puppets do not age (or convert to DVD) well. However, they’re not nearly as bad or distracting as the terrible atmospheric pseudoscience at the end of the film, or the 35 minutes of mind-numbing gun battles and action movie idiocy that precede it.

Obligatory Schwarzeneggerisms: Unnecessary biceps flexing? Check. Convoluted display of World’s Strongest Man-like feat of strength: Check. Uncomfortable romantic moment with a woman who’s too young for him? You know that’s going to be a nice big check.

Nolan says: “That blond girl was kind of hot, but I’m really disappointed he didn’t have a single cigar.”

McBain Ranking: 2 out of 10.


The 6th Day (2000)
Adam Gibson, a mild-mannered helicopter pilot and dedicated family man who has recently gotten a face lift, has been cloned without his knowledge. As if watching his clone smoke his cigars and bang his wife isn’t bad enough, a whole bunch of other clones are trying to kill him. Also, there are clones.

Awesomely Awesome Because: The science fiction is great, the art direction is ultra cool, and who doesn’t want to live in this future of virtual girlfriends, remote controlled helicopters, cloned pets, and an XFL that lasted more than one season? The supporting performances from Robert Duvall, Michael Rapapport, and especially Tony Goldwin are just outstanding.

Awesomely Awful Because: While there aren’t as many product placements as Demolition Man, the few we see are as obvious and distracting as those in Ghost Dad, but that’s not the worst of it. The 6th Day had the potential to be a science fiction classic; it deals with some very serious ethical questions about how far we’ll go to cure diseases, the rights of cloned humans, and what it even means to be human. But even with its great supporting cast, and solid, smart writing, it can’t achieve escape velocity from Schwarzenegger’s limited acting abilities and obligatory Schwarzeneggerisms. In fact, of all the roles he overwhelms in sci-fi movies, this is probably the most egregious example. Adam Gibson is supposed to be a talented but mild mannered helicopter pilot who loves his family, and still holds on to the good old days when clones only existed in bad movies. But by the end of the first act, Schwarzenegger has turned him into a gun-toting psychopath who doesn’t think twice about killing anyone who gets in his way, and actually seems to enjoy it. And it’s simply unforgivable that we had an opportunity to finally watch him fight himself, but the whole thing ended after just one punch.

Obligatory Schwarzeneggerisms: Unnecessary biceps flexing? Check. Cigar-chomping? Check. Quoting of The Line from Terminator? Check. Sappy, forced, “I learned something today” moment? Check. Uncomfortable romantic moment with a woman who’s too young for him? Check and mate.

Nolan Says: “I’ve actually seen this before. It does not improve upon a second viewing.”

McBain Ranking: 4.5 out of 10.


Some of you may be wondering why Terminator 2 isn't on this list. Well, the truth is, I love Terminator 2, and I don't feel guilty about it at all.

Wil Wheaton will be back.