One of the reasons why I’ve had a hard time completely rejecting astrology is the fact that I’m such a stereotypical Sagittarius: the optimistic, free-spirited (clumsy, arrogant, slutty) philosopher. The Archer is a friendly constellation, flanked by stinging Scorpio, the cosmic douchebag, and Capricorn, which is some sort of bizarre goat-fish abomination. Screw those guys. The wise centaur Chiron whom Sagittarius represents smiles upon mankind, offering the blessings of knowledge, and through Sagittarius lies the center of the Milky Way, which I’m sure is symbolic of something. In a nutshell (terrible joke), I am down with the Archer.

Imagine my dismay when I learned that deep in my natal constellation whirls Wolf-Rayet 104, a binary star system in the final stages prior to supernova. This so-called “Death Star” was discovered by University of Sydney astronomer Peter Tuthill, who so delightfully informs us that, upon supernova, “It could emit an intense beam of gamma rays coming our way.” The beautiful spiral images that we have of WR104 are the result of our pole-on view of the star system; when it goes into supernova, it looks awfully possible that the gamma ray burst it’s bound to emit is pointed in our direction. Totally sweet.

Now, if you’re like me, you only know a few things about gamma rays: that they make you quite irritable and that they cause some sort of an irrepressible need to wear purple shorts. Terrified at the consequences for my wardrobe, I investigated further:

So, according to Dr. Tuthill, if we’re in firing range, we’re headed for mass extinction. But it’s not certain (and it may happen a few thousand years from now), so y’all can (probably) rest easy.

Or not.

Because at the heart of Sagittarius also lies the closest black hole to Earth, merely 1,600 light years away. Not content with just one, Sagittarius also houses another black hole, Sagittarius A*, the closest supermassive black hole to Earth, conveniently located at the galactic center. Both offer us invaluable information about the activities of black holes due to their proximity. Because, you know, black holes are definitely the outer space phenomenon that we want to be close to. Awesome.

So, basically Sagittarius wants to shoot us with cancer rays, and if we get near it, we’ll get eaten by a black hole.

Why is Sagittarius such a fucking asshole?

So here I type, disenchanted with the Archer whom I once gazed upon happily, probably stoned, with a bunch of astronomer friends from Portland in my seemingly distant youth. Now I look cynically upon the stars, knowing that the constellation for which I once held such affection just wants to kill me.

But the Universe is just and poetic. The closest galaxy to our own is the Sagittarius Dwarf Galaxy, discovered in 1994. It is slowly being torn apart by the gravitational forces of the Milky Way.

So, to that I say:

MILKY WAY #1! MIL-KY WAY! MIL-KY WAY! WOOOOOOOO!

Flux knows that the black holes in Sagittarius don’t really pose much of a threat to us, but she still thinks that Sagittarius is a total dick. Which, come to think of it, only makes it an even more appropriate zodiac sign for your intrepid correspondent.