Space Aliens Invading Earth, What You NEED To Know

Of all the unlikely, far-fetched, fictional creatures I've pondered the existence of over the years (robots, super-heros, zombies, etc.) one group is the most likely to actually exist... Making them, of course, still, quite unlikely to exist. (I mean, beating out "zombie" on a list of "creatures that may be," is hardly resounding proof of existence, but I guess you gotta start somewhere.) Of course, I'm talking about aliens. They're the one and only group I could see with the ability to first, alert me to their presence, and, second, terrify me to the core of my being, in consecutive seconds.

It still seemed like a long shot. And then I read a recent news report that detailed a few dozen people's claims that they'd seen a UFO over Texas. Not that remarkable... that happens fairly often these days. Some speculated that it might be a military plane, but, no, the military denied having anything in the air that night. Then, a few days later, this clarification.

I'm no conspiracy theorist (mainly because it looks like far too much work, plus, I have asthma, and those guys always seem to be brushing off dusty, long lost tomes in moldy basements and that's just asking for an attack) but this strikes me as, odd.

This isn't something as simple as thinking the car was in the garage only to find out your wife took it to the store. There's a protocol. A chain of command. A military spokesman can't just make shit up off the top of his head, he's gotta check it, right? Get the info from someone above him? How would a mistake like this happen, exactly? Either it was your plane, or it wasn't. Why come forward weeks later and say it's your plane? (Okay, maybe I am a conspiracy theorist, but I'm the guy standing next to the guy reading the dusty book. The guy who answers "No," to his question of "My God, don't you see what this means?"

Hmmm, yeah but just who saw these low-flying objects? Moonshine-sipping ne'er do wells? Chaw-spittin' yokels? Some Canadian?

G-g-g-g-gulp... A pilot? Well, he'd probably know what a plane looked like, right? I mean, if someone showed him a deck of picture flash cards and told him to ring a bell when he saw the aeroplane, I bet he could do it. I bet you he's even good at that "airplane into the hanger, mmm mmm good, eating game, too!

Half-assed jokes aside, he seems fairly competent.

Fabric store owner. Not some creepy Lladró ceramic figurine store or one of those two month out of the year Halloween Only stores, this is a legit business. I own things made from fabric and I bet you do too.

What's that? You're waiting for a grainy, hard-to-make-out photo before you make up your mind?

Other sources have come forward to claim the "woman" is merely a wind-blown rock formation. The fabric store owner had no comment, that I could find...

So, now, where are we? What to do? Rollover and die before our invading soon-to-be-masters? Sure, that's my plan, but perhaps some of you are made of sterner stuff than yer good old, friendly neighborhood CoolerKing. In that case, I present:

Ways to Fight Off the Inevitable Alien Invasion aka What We Know

- They're top heavy, with giant alien brains. Intimidating? Yes. But think of the upside, an incredibly high center of gravity. My research indicates, though their intelligence is off the charts, their big brains make them highly susceptible to being "tipped over." Go for it. Lunge in, tap them on the side of the ole noggin... and watch them topple. I mean, how many Olympic caliber wrestlers do you see sporting that body type? The answer is, very few.

- Some of our data portrays them as being vulnerable to the human cold...Sadly, since the advent of Airborne Cold Remedy, we can no longer see this as a sure thing. We can only assume they've heard of our miracle cure-all. Yes, that school teacher may've damned us all to hell.

- They're ridiculously pale. Like. pure, milky white. Use this to your advantage. If you can lure one of them into a fight in direct sunlight, chances are, if you can drag the battle out for several hours, eventually, our sun will roast them alive... Um, or, at the very least, deliver unto them an incredibly debilitating sunburn. Remember that week in Maui? And afterwards how ready were you to conquer the galaxy? Exactly.

- They're crazy intelligent. I mean, how else did they attain space travel? Hmm but didn't we also, make it into the cosmos? And don't some of those very same "Earthlings" believe in a magic man in the sky who lives on a cloud and judges right and wrong? Yeah, point is, they may be just as dumb as us (me). They may've memorized two or three propaganda-ish talking points. just to sound superior, which, under scrutiny, will fall apart. My advice, keep 'em talking. Their logic will fall to pieces and they'll panic.... Leading to...

- Them activating giant mechanized killing machines... tragically propped up on only three legs. Hey remember all those three wheeled cars we have? All those triangular buildings? How about ATC's? Those three-wheeled vehicles so unsafe, so dangerous, that they killed enough people in rollovers to get them banned, and replaced, by four-wheeled variations? Yeah. Similar to the aforementioned bighead-tipping-strategy, get in, push, yell timber... and enjoy the show.

That's all we have, thus far. Good luck, and Godspeed. See you at the finish line, fellow Earthlings...

TheCoolerKing is honestly looking forward to punching an alien in its fat bloated alien head.