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Geeks find many way to set aside the mundanity of the real world these days. Hundreds, perhaps thousands, of companies compete for our time and our money, and we can find ourselves with more escape pods than ever before, an embarrassment of riches that can be overwhelming, with dire consequences if we choose . . . poorly.

My limited time is the most valuable commodity I have. I can always earn more money; I can always eat more food; I can stay up late if I didn’t finish that load of laundry in the afternoon. (Curse you, Guitar Hero III: Thief of Daylight!) But I can’t get back time that’s already spent – in some cases, wasted (the time, not me) – on hollow pursuits, so I think very carefully about how I invest my limited free time, and my even more limited “me” time. Here's a look at a typical afternoon spent in a twisty maze of options, all enticing . . .

LOOK
>A twisty maze of passages, all alike, is behind you. You face a wall with four doors.

EXAMINE DOORS
>There are four old doors: Movies, Television, Books, and Games.


Oh . . . this should be interesting.

GO TO MOVIES
>You are subjected to a barrage of commercials and military propaganda, and the trailers haven’t even started yet.
>You lose $15 and 20 minutes.

RECOVER 20 MINUTES
>Sorry, you can’t do that.

RECOVER $15.
>Not in this theater, buddy.

FINE. WATCH MOVIE
>You wait another twenty minutes for trailers. Finally, the movie starts. The teenager in front of you lights up the theater with her cellphone while she texts her friend. The couple next to you think it’s cute to comment on everything that happens on the screen. The lazy parent behind you has a brat who can’t sit still and kicks your seat . . .

KILL MYSELF
>An old woman shooshes you.
>You lose 2.5 hours and 1,500 brain cells.


Well, that door wasn’t much fun, was it?

Does anyone (who does not live in easy driving distance of an Alamo Drafthouse [My editor, Andrew, who lives in Austin and goes to the Drafthouse all the time, made me include this. Bastard.]) really enjoy going to the movies any more? I don’t know anyone who says, “Man, I can not wait to go spend a crapload of money so I can watch a crapload of commercials, surrounded by idiots who just won’t Shut. The Fuck. Up.” What is the consistently compelling reason to go out to the movies? I’m trying to escape the frustrations of modern life and the idiots in it who just keep on making more idiots. Why not just stay home and watch something on DVD or cable? Thanks to Netflix and Blockbuster Online (okay, and bittorrent) just about any movie you’d ever want to see is rarely more than one day’s wait away. While there are certainly some films that deserve to be watched on a big screen, like Lord of the Rings, or work better with an audience, like Grindhouse, they are exceptions to the rule. I just don't understand why anyone with ANY sense of dignity at all would . . .

>Your blood pressure just went up.


Right. Moving on to door number two . . .

WATCH TELEVISION
>Your house is cozy and your home theater is top shelf. You dim the lights, hop onto the couch, and turn on the TV. You’re in luck, and find a program that you enjoy.

SET VOLUME AT COMFORTABLE LEVEL
>Okay.

RELAX AND ENJOY PROGRAM
>You put your feet up on the coffee table, settle back into the couch, and begin to watch. The drama grips you, and you relate to the characters. Six minutes pass, and the show breaks for a commercial. It is so loud, your windows rattle.

GET REMOTE
>You manage to steady your shaking vision long enough to pick up the remote.

TURN VOLUME DOWN
>Sorry, the commercial is so loud, all you can do is think about how much you could save with factory to dealer incentives on a new Ford F150 fuckxxotronic planet-chewing model supertruck.

PUT BLANKET OVER HEAD
>Okay.

TURN VOLUME DOWN
>Covered by a blanket, the volume of the commercial is reduced to a barely tolerable level. You find the remote control and thumb the volume down until your teeth stop shaking.

WAIT
>You see a commercial talking about erections.

WAIT
>You see an advertisement for beer. There are busty ladies here.

WAIT
>You see ads for NASCAR. There are skanky ladies here.

WAIT
>Your show has started.

WATCH SHOW
>You can’t hear anything.

TURN VOLUME BACK UP
>Okay.

WATCH SHOW
>Sorry, the bottom third of the screen is covered with an animated advertisement for a sitcom you don’t care about.

HELP
>You are in the living room, trying to watch television.

HINT
>A DVR could do something about these commercials . . .


That door made me--

>Your blood pressure just went up.


--stabby.

So this problem with commercial loudness will eventually be solved by Dolby Volume, but until that day arrives (and we all upgrade our equipment) does any self-respecting geek watch a show when it airs anymore? Since I got my DVR, I don’t watch anything when it starts. Instead, I wait ten or fifteen minutes and then watch it delayed on my DVR so I can skip the commercials. It’s not that I hate commercials as a class (although, seriously, American beer guys? Beautiful, sophisticated women do not drink cheap, nasty American beer. Give it up already), it’s that I hate commercials that are so loud they wake up my neighbors. I find that I prefer watching movies on my home theater or television shows on my DVR because I control the environment and the experience when I watch. That takes care of the commercials, but what about those annoying animated advertisements that litter the screen and get in the way of me enjoying the show that’s on? Until someone develops AdBlock for television, our only choices, really, are to wait for the show to come out on DVD or just suck it up. I will admit to sucking it up a few times a week, for shows like Heroes and How I Met Your Mother.

Until things change dramatically though, non-DVR broadcast television isn’t earning my time at all. It can’t compete with washing the dishes, much less catching up on my blog feeds or what lies beyond the remaining two doors.

Speaking of . . . let’s see what’s behind Door Number Three . . .

READ A BOOK
>What will you read?

INVENTORY
In your {BOOKS} inventory you have: The latest Fables trade paperback. Absolute Sandman Volume 2. Absolute Dark Knight. A knee-high stack of unread comic books. The SF anthology you got two weeks ago and haven’t opened yet. A classic book from an award-winning author all your friends would be horrified to know you haven’t read yet. Monte Cook's World of Darkness. Wil Wheaton’s awesome new collection of narrative non-fiction stories, The Happiest Days of Our Lives.

IGNORE TRANSPARENT EFFORT TO PROMOTE AUTHOR’S NEW BOOK
>I see no transparent effort to promote author's new book here.

WHATEVER. READ COMICS
>You take some comics off the giant stack and find a nice, quiet place to read them. You feel like a kid again, completely escaping the boring real world. You’re a classic super hero, then you’re a zombie, and then you’re Doktor Sleepless.

READ NOVEL
>You begin reading a novel, and are swept away into a different world . . .


If the biggest problem we have with books is that we just don’t know what to pluck from our two towers of “really want to read” and “really want to read again,” what is there to complain about? Books are great for getting away, whether you’re a geek or not. A book is relatively inexpensive (free at your local public library) and portable, and if you break down your investment by the hour, you get a lot more for your money in a book than you do in a movie. There are no commercials, no annoying idiots shoving fistfuls of popcorn into their mouths in the seat next to you (or, if there are, you can move), and – best of all – you have complete control over when and where you do it. You can read during breaks at work, between classes, when you’re avoiding writing your column, or, uh . . .

READ NOVEL
>You hear a column calling you in the distance. You are likely to be eaten by a deadline.


. . . when you should be doing other productive tasks.

It should be no surprise that, as an author, I love books and can’t find an awful lot to dislike about them. I freely concede that there are bad books out there (I'm looking at you, Dan Brown), but you can always set a bad book down and pick up five books that are more to your taste. There are more books published each year than anyone could ever read in a lifetime spent doing nothing but reading. We live in a rich, rich time -- reading is available for everyone who cares to make the effort, and you can read about any topic you want.

I imagine that if I were a filmmaker, or television producer, I’d feel differently about the first two doors than I do, but I just don't see the same variety, the same creativity in the visual media that I do in print. There is good work out there, but you have to really dig for it. In the bookstore, it's right there for the taking.

>Your blood pressure is returning to normal.


Finally. Let’s open door number four . . .

PLAY VIDEO GAMES
>You see an Xbox 360, a Nintendo Wii, a Nintendo DS, a MAME emulator, and an Atari 2600.

AN ATARI 2600? REALLY?
>I’m sorry, I don’t understand that.

PLAY ATARI 2600!
>Sorry, it’s just there for looks and an easy joke.

I HATE YOU.
>I'm sorry, I don’t understand that.

I REALLY HATE YOU.
>I know. You're just such an easy target.

FUCK YOU
>Such a potty mouth.

CHOOSE VIDEO GAME
>You have a lot of options to choose from.

PLAY GUITAR HERO III ON XBOX
>You begin rocking out. After a few songs, several of your friends show up online.

VIEW FRIENDS
>They’re all playing Halo 3.

PLAY HALO 3
>You join Halo 3, and play Big Team Battle with your friends. Before you realize it, the clock strikes 3 a.m.
>You have lost an entire evening.

LOG OFF.
>You turn off your Xbox.

>GO TO BED
It is very dark. You are likely to wake up your wife, who will feed you to a Grue.


In real life, it’s a lot harder to settle down and choose just one game, especially when I’m faced with such limited free time. I read an article in Wired earlier this week by a guy who said he’d become a suicide bomber in Halo 3, because asymmetrical warfare worked to his advantage when playing multiplayer online games. He was time-poor, so he couldn’t develop the same skills as the hundreds of thousands of students and unemployed writers who have time to spend practicing non-scoped sniper headshots day after day.

Just like the huge stack of books, the best and worst thing about video games is the time involved. I can spend $40 to take my wife to a movie, and we’ll have a nice three or four hours together. I spent $50 on Halo 3, and without even finishing the campaign, I’ve already spent 30 or more hours with my friends in online matches. It’s the same way with Guitar Hero, and I assume you WoW players would have a similar experience to report -- if you just stopped killing boars in the forest long enough to talk to us, of course. (I keed. I keed.)

I think of my time as a valuable currency that must be earned by anyone who wants me to exchange it for whatever they’re selling. When we geeks talk about investing our money and our time into entertainment and escape, movies and television just can’t compete with video games, comics, novels, or going through a few hundred RSS subscriptions that you save for the times when you have a column due and need a geeky way to kill time under the auspices of--

>You are likely to be eaten by a deadline.


Pushy, pushy. I'm just trying to figure out what I'm leaving out. I keep feeling like there's something missing . . .

SEARCH FOR SECRET DOORS
>You find a secret door.

EXAMINE SECRET DOOR
>This door is different from the others, almost as if it was made by your own hands. It’s covered with familiar glyphs: polyhedral shapes with numbers, large books, decks of cards, colored glass beads. A warm, inviting glow seeps out from beneath it.

OPEN DOOR
>The door swings open easily, revealing a room filled with games.

PLAY GAME! PLAY GAME! PLAY GAME!
>What game would you like to play?

LOOK AT GAMES
>How about a nice game of To Be Continued?
>The End.



I hate cliffhangers.

Wil Wheaton still remembers how to get the Babel Fish.

 

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Insan0matic

Insan0matic

United Kingdom
April 2005

NOV 07, 2007 12:16 PM

what's this free time you speak of? smile

...but in all seriousness, I sympathise as I have been in that maze many times.

batgirl

batgirl

United Kingdom
December 2004

NOV 07, 2007 12:57 PM

Reading this was like playing a text adventure in the style of the Hitchhikers Guide game.

Which is awesome.

NightskyDarkstar

NightskyDarkstar

Spokane, WA
May 2007

NOV 07, 2007 01:31 PM

That door made me-- --stabby.


Ya, I felt that one, just the way you described it made me stabby.

Mrs_Misha

Mrs_Misha

Los Angeles, CA
September 2003

NOV 07, 2007 02:02 PM

I was just having a discussion with some one last night about door#1. I hate going to the movies now for all the reasons you stated and one more. I always have to pee in the middle of the movie and I hate to miss part of the story. At home I can always pause it. The person I was talking to said they enjoyed watching a movie with strangers and thought the home movie experience is desocializing us. Too bad I hate going to the theater to see a film and when I can afford a really big screen at home I will no longer need to pay way too much money for all the pain in the ass.

Door #2 fuck the loud commercials piss me off too.

Door#3 books. I have switched to audio books on my I pod. I love having stories told to me and when I paint or draw (I am a working artist) I seem to get more done while listening to audio books. I have so little real time to read this has been a great option for me and can make really long car rides in traffic less stressful as well. Sitting trapped on the 101 listening about sandworms and Fremen is so much better than the radio.

Door#4 I too am plagued with too many options. Last night I played 4 different games on my Wii. If I am lucky I have a couple hours a week to spend playing games and when it comes time to play I have a horrible time trying to pick which one to play. And I have even more games I want to get after going to E for All.

Weso

Weso

Santa Cruz, CA
July 2002

NOV 07, 2007 02:06 PM

I like this choose your own adventure style. Thanks.

Valeyard

Valeyard

Shreveport, LA
January 2005

NOV 07, 2007 02:38 PM

...I think I know where door number 5 leads -- where all my Saturdays are spent from 4pm to freaking 6am... yeah hardcore here.

RanusStudios

RanusStudios

Cornwall On Hudson, NY
July 2007

NOV 07, 2007 03:12 PM

This is a good column.

Alz

Alz

Lincoln, NE
February 2007

NOV 07, 2007 03:24 PM

Best column ever.

I'm gonna go play some Aardwolf now.

Ticktockman

Ticktockman

Raleigh, NC
April 2006

NOV 07, 2007 03:25 PM

-stabby

How I'm feeling after two days of debating the WGA strike with someone who has compared them to architects, engineers and Taco Bell employees, but who thinks my analogy of writers and musicians who earn royalties from sales is way off.

Yeah, I'm venting.

Screw movie theatres that won't take cell phone users, parents, and babblers out back and shoot them.

Screw the commercials I don't watch anymore, for I have TiVo.

Screw myself for not reading enough, and for going back to school, sapping away at precious Time. But not too much: time spent now yields more time later. In theory.

And anyway, I need my fix of boobs and Wheaton. Good writeup,

-TTm

BygBadWulf

BygBadWulf

East Longmeadow, MA
July 2005

NOV 07, 2007 04:10 PM

Door 3 and the Secret Door hold my attention these days, nothing better for the nerves than weekly D&D 3.5, especially when your about to become a half-Orc Frenzied berserker with a +1 Orc Double AX!!!!!!!!!!!! biggrin

SockPuppet

SockPuppet

United Kingdom
July 2006

NOV 07, 2007 04:42 PM

Door 3, and maybe the Secret Door - if I can find someone who doesn't think that D+D includes all P+P RPGs...

xazapdmytinu

xazapdmytinu

Fort Collins, CO
July 2007

NOV 07, 2007 04:56 PM

When I started working full time after graduation I read on my breaks and I am thoroughly astonished how much I can read just in 15-20 minutes while trying to not spill pizza sauce on whateverbook I am reading...I think I've probably read 15 books in the past 10 months...

As for games I hate to say it but I have been seeing the same problems cropping up in the gaming industry as in the Film and TV industry...sure you spend a lot more time on one game than you do at the movies, but when you get twenty minutes into an overhyped game and then determine to finish it just to get your money's worth, that's just as disappointing as knowing that you'll never be able to look at Steve Carrell again without crying "Why Steve, Why Evan Almighty?!"

I watch most of my television online because I'm too cheap to shell out the cash for Cable and, lets face it, you only have to wait for HBO and Showtime shows at this point...My main beef with the online watching is the bandwidth...These networks are owned by multibillion dollar corporations and they can't spare a few drops in a bucket to give us all some better streaming video (And it's not my bandwidth because I can surf SG at the same time no problem)

Zoetica

Zoetica

NEWSWIRE

Los Angeles, CA

NOV 07, 2007 05:33 PM

this was hilarious yet thought-provoking!

gcash056

gcash056

Orlando, FL
October 2004

NOV 07, 2007 05:42 PM

You made me laugh. Then you made me cry. Damn you, our Alamo Drafthouse recently CLOSED, you insensitive bastard!

Seriously, I don't watch "the plebian channels" unless it's a Joss Whedon something.

I watch Discovery Channel, NASA Select, History Channel, Science Channel, TLC, Sci-Fi, The Military Channel, and the Food Channel if Alton Brown is on.

The commercials are a lot less obnoxious and seem to be more directed and interesting.

I haven't watched a movie since the last George Lucas' fiasco, and the 3D Harry Potter movie. Before that, it was "Toy Story" - the ORIGINAL one.

There's another door called "coding" - and if you've got "programmer crack" available like writing GTK apps in Python on my Nokia N800, then BOOM, it's 4am and you never got dinner and need to go to work in a couple hours. Sigh.

Oh and hey, I just got back from the 50th World Space Expo at Kennedy Space Center. I got to try on a Shuttle suit glove (all 4 layers and 12 pounds) and all the booths were manned by the actual engineers instead of suits. The space suit engineer helped Buzz Aldrin put on his suit and helped design the Shuttle suits. I got to hear Al Worden, Story Musgrave, Neil Armstrong, Chuck Yeager, and Scott Carpenter speak. I got to see (and HEAR) an F-18F haul ass 50 feet off the water at near supersonic speed.

And this afternoon I heard the BOOMBOOM as the Shuttle landed.

Geek nirvana.

SuicidePuppies

SuicidePuppies

Oakland, CA
June 2003

NOV 07, 2007 05:47 PM

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