The good folks at LiveScience have compiled for us a Top 10 list that beats the hell out of Letterman. I am a big fan of rationalizing my vices (my beloved Bloody Mary is really just a salad with a little vodka in, for example), so this story about how 10 glorious, delicious things that Puritans and/or health freaks tell us to shy away from aren't all bad. Here goes:

10. Beer

So you're telling me that the Nectar of the Gods I am enjoying right now is good for my heart? It's been suspected that beer was the fuel for the laborers on the ancient Egyptian pyramids. The stuff's a superfood if you ask me; calories, carbohydrates, some crap that keeps your cardiovascular system perky, hops, and sweet, sweet ethanol. So, you know, awesome.

9. Anger

It looks like the Current Events board has it right. All those armchair politicians calling each other fascists and pigfuckers are only just acting out in a form of stress release. "It's just the Internet," my ass! DO YOU WANT A PIECE OF THIS, FearTheReaper?! I'LL KILL YOU!

8. Coffee

Coffee: a cure for alcoholism and Wilford Brimley.

7. LSD

I think it's pretty neat that acid can help with the recovery process (if you think that's something, you should read about ibogaine) and I hope that our War on Drugs government will eventually relax and allow substances like LSD to be used for possible curative purposes, but, come on, "36 volunteers...reporting mystical experiences"? Scientists, you can do better than that. What's the next study? Volunteers using cocaine acted like douchebags, went to discos?

6. Sunlight

...And it helps us to produce vitamin D! So, you know, as long as you avoid that whole "malignant melanoma" thing and maybe the "premature photo-aging," I feel like anything that results in this can't be all bad, amirite?

5. Maggots

Okay, so maggots aren't really what I would call a vice. (If maggots are your vice, please don't send me fan mail, as I am concerned that our friendship will center around your desire to wear me all Xipe Totec style.) But they eat dead flesh. That's pretty metal. Moving on...

4. Marijuana

The universe has such a grand sense of irony; reefer makes your roommate forget that rent is due but can keep the elderly together for a few more years. If only I could go back a few years and give my beloved grandmama a few Widespread Panic albums and a bag of ganja. Plus, how cute would it be to see Charlton Heston in one of those Rastafarian tams?

3. Red Wine

Everybody knows that red wine is good for you, ever since Jesus gave it the thumbs-up over water back in the good old days. H20? Get thee behind me, Satan!

2. Chocolate

Of course, this doesn't apply so much to the mass-produced "chocolate" we find in the checkout aisle but, rather, to the high-cocoa, low-sugar stuff that's a little higher end. In other news, I have cancer, clogged arteries, and am going senile. Please send Vosges.

1. Sex

Lazarus Long said it best, "It is better to copulate than never."

Flux hopes and prays that all your sins are good, fun, and happy ones.