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  • WEDNESDAY OCTOBER 31 2007 8:00 PM

You Know What's Awesome About Invisible Tanks? Everything


This is one of those developments that reaffirms my belief in the impossible.

New technology that can make tanks invisible has been unveiled by the Ministry of Defence.


Holy shit. How do you even react to news that incredible? "Oh really, you invented an invisible tank, huh? Cool, so, uh, should I just give you all my money and belongings or...?"

I pity the guy standing across from him at the next cocktail party. "What have I been up to? Oh... this and that... not too much, really... Annnd, I built an invisible tank. A tank, remember how kick-ass they are? Giant gun, armor, etc... Sure you do, well, I said, why not mix that with, 'invisible'? Ahem, how about you? How's that whole "not building an invisible tank" thing working out for you? Oh, that's too bad."

There are just certain things that, despite my wishes to the contrary, I absolutely do not believe are possible. World-conquering robots, spider-strength, zombies, a funny Dane Cook bit... And then along comes something that throws it all into turmoil. Yes, prior to today, 17 minutes ago, to be precise, the idea of "invisible tanks," sounded fairly fucking preposterous to me... and yet, now we got 'em.

In secret trials last week, the Army said it had made a vehicle completely disappear and predicted that an invisible tank would be ready for service by 2012.


2012 ... I can totally make it 'til then.

The new technology uses cameras and projectors to beam images of the surrounding landscape onto a tank. The result is that anyone looking in the direction of the vehicle only sees what is beyond it and not the tank itself.

A soldier, who was at the trials, said: "This technology is incredible. If I hadn't been present I wouldn't have believed it. I looked across the fields and just saw grass and trees - but in reality I was staring down the barrel of a tank gun."


This sounds like the explanation I'd have heard at the age of 11 from that one kid whose Halloween costume was "army man" every single year. I'd have thought it sounded good but figured it was bullshit.

Even now, two paragraphs back, if you'd asked me to explain how I thought we got invisible tanks I'd have said,"Well, it's simple, someone in the British government has befriended a sorcerer. A 'good-guy one', if he's offering to help us." My second guess would've been, "Hmmm, as far as I know, invisibility is often delivered via a serum... I'm gonna say, someone spilled the serum on a tank and voila! Invisible tank. No? Oh, I'm an idiot? Cool, I'll sit down now...

How the technology works in a combat situation is very sensitive, but the MoD is believed to be testing a military jacket that works on the same principles.


Excuse me, I'm going take a quick break to pen an open letter.

Dear This Article - Please stop blowing my fucking mind. If you keep being so awesome, the rest of my world will begin to fade in comparison. Thank you for understanding.

Okay, I'm back... To sum up, in a few years we'll have invisible tanks running around our planet. What this means is, for the rest of my life, I can no longer scoff at ridiculous theories and ideas... A friend could tell me he built a time machine out of a can-opener and when I laughed he'd hit me with, "Okay, laugh it up, 'guy who didn't believe we could make invisible tanks. Hah, shows what you know... Now I'm off to ancient Atlantis to bet on crab races and I'm not even taking you!" What a rip-off.

Happy Halloween, Jerks!!!


TheCoolerKing asks that if you love comics like Sarah Silverman, Bob Odenkirk and Dana Gould, and feel like helping out a friend of his in need, you should check out the upcoming benefit here: Tom Sharpe Benefit Info. Many thanks.

 

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Louis_XIV

Louis_XIV

France
August 2007

NOV 02, 2007 09:58 AM

DevilsReject said:
Didn't you say this to your son?:

"Do not follow the bad example which I have set you; I have often undertaken war too lightly and have sustained it for vanity.......




Yes, I said this. I made mistakes during my reign, a lot. I tried to make wars in a honorable way, instead of trying to avoid them. But at least I'm aware of these mistakes, and I know I'll have to answer for them to the Allmighty.

Furthermore: Can you imagine a similar quote by George W. Bush?

flyonwall

flyonwall

London, ON
October 2004

NOV 02, 2007 04:00 PM

*sideways glance right*
*sideways glance left*

I would also like to add to my previous statement that I for one, welcome our new invisible overlords.

Stiles

Stiles

Oakland, CA
November 2002

NOV 02, 2007 10:03 PM

FellOnEarth said:

Stiles said:
So, tanks run in the dirt and battlefields tend to be dusty - all of which aren't good for cameras, screens or projectors. I'd be interested in seeing how well this works in a real-life filthy battlefield.


Tiny misters and windshield wipers are the solution! Actually, a phased electrical current can create an electrostatic field (another shield!) to repel finer dust, also some new nano polymer fibers may already be able to do that and be used for light projection (LED) for a projection based cloaking device... Cool, but I still like the idea of using meta materials to bend light around an object while providing kinetic shielding.



I'm also thinking of the kind of thick wet mud a 1,100hp tank flings everywhere while moving across wet ground. That would have to be a helluva electrostatic field, and it seems like it still wouldn't do anything about mud flung into the view of the cameras.

KitsunePagan

KitsunePagan

I'm lost
August 2007

NOV 02, 2007 10:04 PM

I think the next invisible thing will be "You can't see me" Armor!!!

It will be great at birthday parties biggrin

Stiles

Stiles

Oakland, CA
November 2002

NOV 02, 2007 10:04 PM



DUDE.

fountainofdreams

fountainofdreams

Batavia, IL
January 2005

NOV 02, 2007 10:33 PM

Louis_XIV said:

DevilsReject said:
Didn't you say this to your son?:

"Do not follow the bad example which I have set you; I have often undertaken war too lightly and have sustained it for vanity.......




Yes, I said this. I made mistakes during my reign, a lot. I tried to make wars in a honorable way, instead of trying to avoid them. But at least I'm aware of these mistakes, and I know I'll have to answer for them to the Allmighty.

Furthermore: Can you imagine a similar quote by George W. Bush?



No, but I can find quite a few that are the opposite in message.

"There's an old saying in Tennessee -- I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee -- that says, fool me once, shame on -- shame on you. Fool me -- you can't get fooled again."

Anybody else want His Highness to run for President this election? I can make up some bumper stickers.

FellOnEarth

FellOnEarth

Temecula, CA
April 2006

NOV 03, 2007 01:42 AM

Stiles said:



DUDE.

Thanks,

Yeah, I guess mud might be a bit of a problem if you're actually moving through it, and yes projection would be a bit of an issue once you got muddy. That's why the metamaterial idea is so much better (it doesn't project an image of the background, it bends light around it, so you actually see what is in the background). It also helps to think of it being employed in a field instead of being the actual surface of the tank (therefore, the tank can get as dirty as it wants).

But once you're moving, you still have other issues (like kicking up a dust cloud, same problem with larger ballistic weapon systems once they are fired). I imagine that new strategies would develop because of the limitations of the technology, but there may yet be other technological answers to the problems. For one, energy weapon (lasers and microwave for instance) would help keep your position from being known even while firing. The military is also already developing hybrid engines so a tank could remain quiet during stealth mode while still being able to maneuver. I think that about covers it.

That being said, I'd imagine this future tank idea will be so unbelievably expensive that they'll never be used.

Louis_XIV

Louis_XIV

France
August 2007

NOV 03, 2007 05:02 AM

This night I had a strange dream, involving towels, a shoe-shaped spaceship, a whale turning into a petunia, mice, the number 42, and dolphins. When I woke up, my first thought was "Instead of making the tank invisible, why not create an Somebody-Else's-Problem-field around it?"

I've no idea what this dream or this sentence means. I asked my court astrologer but he didn't know it either. Maybe this makes sense to one of you people?

Kindle

Kindle

Houston, TX
March 2006

NOV 03, 2007 06:14 AM

Louis_XIV said:
This night I had a strange dream, involving towels, a shoe-shaped spaceship, a whale turning into a petunia, mice, the number 42, and dolphins. When I woke up, my first thought was "Instead of making the tank invisible, why not create an Somebody-Else's-Problem-field around it?"

I've no idea what this dream or this sentence means. I asked my court astrologer but he didn't know it either. Maybe this makes sense to one of you people?


So, what you are saying, sort of, in a way, is that we should not stick our noses into other people's affairs? That's silly.

Louis_XIV

Louis_XIV

France
August 2007

NOV 03, 2007 07:27 AM

Kindle said:
So, what you are saying, sort of, in a way, is that we should not stick our noses into other people's affairs? That's silly.



No, that's not what I'm saying! Meanwhile I googled "Somebody-Else's-problem field" and found this.

Kindle

Kindle

Houston, TX
March 2006

NOV 03, 2007 07:33 AM

Louis_XIV said:

Kindle said:
So, what you are saying, sort of, in a way, is that we should not stick our noses into other people's affairs? That's silly.



No, that's not what I'm saying! Meanwhile I googled "Somebody-Else's-problem field" and found this.


Oh.

fountainofdreams

fountainofdreams

Batavia, IL
January 2005

NOV 03, 2007 07:51 AM

Louis_XIV said:

Kindle said:
So, what you are saying, sort of, in a way, is that we should not stick our noses into other people's affairs? That's silly.



No, that's not what I'm saying! Meanwhile I googled "Somebody-Else's-problem field" and found this.



Bwahahahaha!

kraasch

kraasch

Abilene, TX
August 2007

NOV 03, 2007 12:20 PM

did u know that the word gullible is not in the dictionary? this technology could easily be defeated with a paint-ball gun... or dirt, or water balloons filled with ink, or smoke bombs, or bird shit, or an EMP (electro-magnetic pulse), GOT MILK?, or....

kraasch

kraasch

Abilene, TX
August 2007

NOV 03, 2007 12:48 PM

did you know that word gullible is not in the dictionary?

This technology is useless. It could easily be defeated with a paintball gun or a water-balloon full of ink, or magnetic metal shavings sprinkled on the ground wherever a tank could get through, or bird shit, or...

how you gonna keep the tank clean enough for it to work?

What about noise? heat? the airborne dust trail from movement? the muzzle flash?

Why not spend the money for this project on feeding war refugees or alternative ways to make peace?

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