Picture it: You're being chased down an alley by a criminal. You're leading him but he's going to catch up to you eventually. You don't reach for your mace or rape-whistle; instead you lift a flap on your skirt and transform it into a fake vending machine. Although your feet are showing, you're completely camouflaged by a life-sized photo of a Coke machine. The thief rounds the corner. He stops in his tracks and looks around, catching his breath. Huh? Where'd you go? All he sees are these three soda machines.

What the hell am I talking about? I'm talking about my new favorite way to avoid street crime and I hope it catches on. Aya Tsukioka is an experimental fashion designer in Tokyo, Japan who has designed a vending machine disguise for women.





She cites one of her inspirations as the black cloaks that ancient ninjas wore at night. According to the New York Times:

Ms. Tsukioka also designed a "manhole bag". It's a purse that unfolds to look like a sewer cover.



I was mugged years ago. The bad-guy ran up behind me and whispered, "Hand over the bag and there will be less trouble." Less trouble? What else was he going to do? The bad-guy's friend was trailing us in a slow-moving getaway car. He shouted out the window, "Come on! Come on!" I went into attack mode. I made a noise that sounded like a dinosaur fucking and then punched my bigger-than-me assailant. We both fell to the ground in a battle for my purse. (A young couple walking their dog crossed to the other side of the street. Thanks guys!) Finally, I came to my senses and threw my purse at him. "Take it, just don’t kill me."

Imagine if I was carrying my "manhole bag" that unfolds to look like a sewer cover? I would have just thrown that sucker down on the ground and watched my mugger walk on by. Maybe he would have even apologized. "Ma'am, I was going to rob you but now I see you're not even carrying a purse. I'll just step over this manhole and get on my way. Have a nice evening."

I always thought my reaction to my mugger was some kind of a primal instinct. I'll have to rethink that. It could have just been a very American instinct and a stupid one at that.

As much as I want these purses and skirts to thwart crime as much as the next wanna-be-ninja, how could this really work? Anyone can see the difference between a vending machine made of fabric and the real thing, right? And wouldn't a mugger actually see me throwing my manhole purse on the ground?

Although there is still that pesky problem of women being felt-up and down on overcrowded Tokyo trains. Now, women can buy fashionable sunglasses with extremely dark wraparound lenses to scare off sexual predators on their commute.

Fashion historian, Kaori Nakana included a chapter in a recent book about dressing to ward-off bullies on the playground. She believes that black studded belts and short socks with loud patterns can help save a geeky kid from the wrath of a jerk. Really? In America that's as good as a "kick me" sign on your back. I got my ass handed to me in sixth grade for wearing a blue-polka dot dress. (Girls can be bullies too.) I can't imagine an American bully giving a geek wearing flashing socks a free pass. "Hey. Let's leave this kid alone. This nerd has got fashion sense!"

I think that's fucking awesome. Who knows? Maybe a would-be-attacker will have a big laugh when he sees that his would-be-culprit has taken the time to turn into a vending machine and the entire crime situation will be diffused. It could happen. I know of at least 20 people in Japan with a spare $800 to blow who agree with me.