Today began as any other day for James at SuicideGirls HQ – he’s one of the people behind the curtain keeping you plugged into the matrix. His morning got exciting very quickly.

Our tale actually begins several weeks ago when James was robbed. Not much you can do about it in Los Angeles. Your options are limited. You could upgrade security (pricey), sit around all day with a gun (boring), or buy a dog (shitty), but James did what every good tech wizard would do - he installed a webcam.

Most detective work is really boring. Not that I would know. Magnum PI used to say that every time he was on a stakeout, trying to blend in from behind the wheel of his Ferrari. Usually right before getting shot at. Real life stake-outs must suck. James left the magic window on his laptop open waiting for something to happen. Weeks of nothing, did in fact happen.

Today, something happened. James was shocked to find this man stalking around his house, opening drawers and using James' own duffle bag to loot his home:


While James dialed 911 to report the 459 in progress at his residence, the fella scoped-out the stealables.


The man may or may not have known the layout – but it’s reasonable to think he’s the same burglar that swiped a laptop in the previous break-in. While James was on the phone calling the cops his faithful sidekick and fellow SG techie Drew sprang into action and began taking screen grabs like this one - where he's unplugging the DVD player he’s helping himself to:


Any worry that the intruder would escape before the cops arrived was put to bed when the uninvited guest stopped for a snack. Stealing is hard on the constitution and all the fence-jumping and skulking makes it a tiring activity. Some refreshment will fix that:


The snack break bought the cops the time they needed to arrive at the scene of the crime. Precious response time was burned up while the perfect “Dagwood” was constructed.

Unfortunately, for us, once again the robber thinks only of himself by leaving the webcam’s field of view for the exciting conclusion. He exited the premises only to be tackled after a brief chase by the LAPD. Was he over encumbered with booty? Was the sandwich not fully digested? Or the cops too fast? We may never know. Sadly, the mustachioed hobo may have been slightly injured after trying to escape. This is Los Angeles, he’s lucky he wasn’t slightly shot.

To be totally honest, this was not a fair fight. It's the tale of a mismatch between a low level thief caught stealing from a high-tech wizard. There was only one way it was going to end: in total fucking ownage.

Thanks to Zoetica for help visualizing the big finish.