9 Reasons Why "Transformers" Will Be a Terrible Movie

1) Michael Bay

Why mess around? We both knew he was gonna be on the list. Why bury him at number 7 and make you wait? The whole time you’re thinking “This is bullshit, when is he gonna get to Michael Bay being a horrible director.” There you go, consider that subject, “gotten to.”

2) Um, it’s about robots that turn into cars that fight each other.

The ultimate realization of this idea is a crappy Saturday morning cartoon. Beyond that, I could maybe see a 15 minute Adult Swim-type, tongue-in-cheek show that I’d watch about 7 minutes of. No one, outside of about 400 nerds, was clamoring to see this.

3) Tom Skerritt isn’t in it.

This movies only shot was casting Skerritt (or Sam Elliot, perhaps) as a grizzled, battle-hardened vet who drinks too much and makes a joke about how, “he can’t figure out his damn microwave-oven clock so how do they expect him to fight robots...” But then he actually busts out some old school techniques that lead the way to victory.

4) The cartoon’s tagline was “More than meets the eye.”

This movie will be “exactly what meets the eye, and absolutely nothing more.”

5) Optimus Prime has a “flame” design airbrushed onto his gut.

No, I don’t care that they deviated from the original design. My point is, when have you ever seen a flame-design on something in the real world and not thought it was lame? The answer is "never."

Some crappy, flame-covered Civic adorned with the word “TURBO” and a cars parts company logo you don’t give a shit about… Some goatee’d slob in a flame-covered bowling shirt... Yeah. They might as well call him “Extreme Flavor-kick Optimus.”

7) The autobots are all GM cars.

Just like most advanced, alien life I’m sure we’ll eventually encounter. (Yes, I understand they’re robots who take the form of our vehicles and aren’t really space cars, calm down.)

8) Shia LaBeouf

Remember all the awesome things he’s done? Right, no one else does either. Shia’s one of these guys that some higher up decides is going to be a movie star, before he’s actually opened a movie. In this case, the higher up is Steven Spielberg.

This act is on a list of great Spielberg decisions which also includes the time he ruined E.T. by digitally replacing the FBI agent's guns with walkie-talkies.

9) Sam "Spike" Witwicky

That’s the name of Shia’s character. I’m guessing one of the ‘bots (Jazz? Soundwave? Krunchy?) dubs him “Spike” after he proves that he’s a “plucky scrapper,” and so much more than the nerd his classmates have previously seen him as.