C/O Pluto (AKA ‘134340’)
Somewhere between 29 and 49 AU from the Sun
The Solar System, Outer Space

Dear Pluto—

I’ve been reading a lot lately about how you’ve been stripped of your Planethood. Just the other day, I read that Astronomers had the nerve to rename you “134340.” That’s a number, not a name! You’re not a prisoner! You’re PLUTO, and you’ll always be PLUTO in my book! I don’t care what they try to label you!

I’m sure you’ve been receiving a lot of hate mail lately. Stuff like, “You’re a Phony!,” or “Pluto, you suck the big one,” or “Fuck you, Pluto, you lying sack of shit!” Of course, I’m only speculating as to the nature of the letters, but ignore them. In fact, you probably shouldn’t even read your mail. It’ll only make you sadder.

Wait. No, ignore that last suggestion; because if you don’t read all your mail, you won’t get this. So…read your mail. But, if the letters start getting mean in tone, don’t read any further. Just throw them out, and only keep the nice ones like this.

The other day, I was at Starbucks (it’s a coffee shop here on Earth; I’m not sure if you have them in your part of the world). Anyway, I overheard some jerk make a backhanded comment about you being a ‘dwarf’ planet. It made me so angry that I almost threw my coffee right in his face. Don’t worry, Pluto, I didn’t do it. One -- because that would be wrong and hot coffee in the face can seriously injure somebody. And two, because he was way bigger than me and he could easily kick my ass. Regardless, I’d be stooping to his level, and we both know that you deserve better than that.

You’re probably wondering why I’m writing. Well, as someone who’s been kicked when he’s down…A LOT…I know what you’re going through. First off, let me tell you that I am a big fan of your work. This is going to sound a little silly, but I’m actually kind of nervous even writing you. I mean, you’re like a Gatrillion light years away, but to me, you’re like a total Rock Star!... I mean a PLANET!!! I didn’t mean for that to come out wrong. You’re not a rock, or a star, or a dwarf…you’re a PLANET. Sorry if that came out bad. I’m just really nervous right now.

I remember studying and reading all about you when I was in Elementary school. I always thought you were way better than the other planets because you were so cool, and far away, and small. I always imagined you being totally alone out there -- that is, until I discovered that there were other moons that hung out with you. When I heard that, I was psyched and happy for you. I’m glad you have friends. I didn’t really have that “luxury” when I was in school. Come to think of it, I don’t really have that “luxury” now. I only hope your friends aren’t being dicks and are supporting you in your time of need. It is times like these that show us who are true friends really are (I think). So, if Charon, or Nix, or Hydra are talking smack, then screw them, dude! They aren’t your real friends, and you should just move on. With moons like that, who needs black holes, right?! LOL

I guess the reason I’ve always related to you is because I was a total late-bloomer, and kind of a lonely guy myself. My mom even took me to a growth specialist when I was 16 because she thought I might be some sort of midget-man-child like Webster or Gary Coleman. Yes, Pluto, I know they’re both Black. I’m not being racist. I mean, there are lots of White midget-men-children here on Earth, but we just don’t see them on TV because apparently being a midget-man-child is only cool and cute if you’re Black. It’s true, and I think it’s wrong, too.

Well, it turned out that I wasn’t a midget-man-child. I was just at the very tail-end of the growth curve. I didn’t finish puberty until I was like 18 or 19. The kids at school made fun of me constantly, and because of that, I had to develop a thick skin and a “wicked” sense of humor. In fact, maybe you should try working on your own sense of humor. My mom used to tell me that a sense of humor is like a muscle, and if you work hard at developing it, it can only get bigger. So, maybe it’s time for you to hit the comedy “gym!” LOL

You know what? I’ll give you some of my own personal comebacks!!! If Charo or Nix or Hydra say something mean to you, you can respond one of three ways: 1) “I know you are, but what am I?” 2) “Sticks and Stones might break my bones, but names will never hurt me!” And finally, 3) “Whatever, but at least I’m not a big jerk!”

That last one always seemed to make people stop being mean. However, be prepared to run. Because if they’re bigger than you, they sometimes get mad and might throw you into a trash bin or a locker, and that’s really embarrassing and you’ll end up getting it worse later. Do they have trash bins or lockers where you are?

Alright, my Mom’s calling me down to dinner, so I should probably get going. I just wanted you to know that you aren’t alone and people still love you. I love you, Pluto. So, if things get too tough, and you want to get away, you can always take a vacation and come hang out with me! I have a bunk bed, and my brother moved out a long time ago, so you could sleep in my room with me. My room’s pretty cool, and my mom’s super-nice. However, you’ll have to take the top bunk, because I sleep on the bottom bunk…I hope that’s cool.

If it’s not cool, I guess we can talk about it, and I’d take the top if it was a deal-breaker, or something. Whatever. Do you like ‘Halo?’ I love it! If you come over, we can play on my XBOX360. I’d prefer to play as a team, and not compete against each other…but, whatever, we can talk about that later, too. Anyway, hang in there Master P (haha LOL ).

And I’m serious about my offer. Call me if you want to “chill” at my pad for awhile. Or write. You can write me anytime, too. Or email. I check it all the time. It would be rad to hang.

Your Good Friend,

Jonathan Kesselman




Jon_Kesselman is the filmmaker responsible for THE HEBREW HAMMER. He is currently co-writing and directing Odd Todd for Paramount, writing and directing The Orbit Of Bob for Nickelodeon, producing Confessions Of An Ivy League Bookie with Andrew Fierberg and Steven Shainberg, and producing, writing and directing the sequel to The Hebrew Hammer, entitled, THE HAMMER VS HITLER. This doesn't leave much time for this weekly column...so if they sometimes suck, please forgive him.