by Bradley Suicide


[Above: Bradley Suicide in Sugar Kitty]

Am I always going to be the Penny Lane?

That’s the question I find myself asking again and again. As I have stated previously, I have a thing for rock stars (yes, I mean that in the literal sense of the term). Past experience has taught me to lump the good in with the bad and roll with it. Dating a musician is hard enough, then you add the famous component and you can imagine how complicated things can get. Emotionally, I am in a constant state of turmoil. There is never a dull moment, that’s for sure. But that’s also probably half of the appeal. The uncertainty, the roaming from city to city, being the pretty girl on the arm, and knowing that – even though there are thousands of girls in the audience screaming for him – I’m the one that’s with him. That ‘jet-setting never know what you’re going to get’ life is one that I love and feed off of. But I can’t help but wonder, am I ever going to be the girl that they settle down with? Am I ever going to get my rock star version of happily ever after? Will I be the one that gets all of the kind words, the sweet looks, the hugs and the kisses, but not the commitment in the end when all is said and done? Am I going to always be the Marilyn and never the Jackie?

This thought began to eat at me. Especially because at the moment I am seeing someone that I could easily see myself being with for the long term if the chips fall that way. The more I pondered this, the more depressed I began to feel. So what did I do? I called my very close friend from back home. As I sat on the phone with him and painfully explained the situation he came at me with a point that made everything snap into focus. Below is what he told me,

“Screw all of that. Stay strong and confident in who you are. Own it. Be it. Say, ‘If I’m a Penny Lane then fuck ya I’m proud.’ There are a lot of people who go through life in denial, trying to fool themselves as to who they are. You have to know about yourself and who you are. You can’t live a genuine life unless you know who you are. Then own it and be who you are. You don’t have to apologize for anything. I look at it like this: if someone doesn’t like me that’s cool, I’m not here because I need you to justify my existence. I’m cool with who I am. Self awareness is sexy. Don’t apologize, don’t lie, and don’t cover up who you are. I attract people who are like-minded. I don’t have to pretend to be someone else.”

Those wise words, from a wise friend made everything so much more clear. Why would I ever want to be something that I’m not? I am who I am, and if you can’t handle me as a Marilyn for the long term then you just straight up don’t deserve me. Plus I would probably end up driving you crazy with my drunken antics and blonde girl escapades that you would end up with a heart condition and losing your hair from stress. Maybe it’s just like Carrie Bradshaw said, “Some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they need to run free until they find someone just as wild to run with” (I swear, those Sex & the City writers had shit on point).

Since talking with my friend I have also realized another excellent side of this whole equation. Some women would be happy being the Jackie. Getting wifed up, having the 2.5 kids, the white picket fence and having dinner ready to go when the hubby gets home from his 9-5…I am just not one of them. If I had to settle down and have a “normal” life I think I would become a horrible bitter and depressed mess. Maybe trying to be the Jackie is the worst thing for me, trying to fit that mold would be me trying to be something that I am not, a square peg in a round hole sort of a deal. Part of me wishes that I wanted the perfect little life of being on the PTA, having the dog named spot, the whole package, because I feel like my heart would be a lot more protected and life would be a lot less complicated. I just can’t see myself being happy with it.

So screw it. I have realized that I want something different from the average bear in every facet of my life, so why would my love life be any different? I have realized that I am who I am. I am a complicated, crazy, fun loving blonde who wants to be young, wild, and usually drunk. I want the life that I want and I am not going to worry about where it takes me. And I’m not changing myself to court others’ approval. Things will work out the way that they are supposed to and I will end up with MY version of happily ever after someday. I am really not sure at this point what that is, but who says that I need to know right now? I firmly believe that when I find it, I will know its right. So what if I am the Marilyn or the Penny Lane? If you don’t like it then I don’t need you in my life, simple as that. I am owning this part of me. I am not ashamed and I am not apologetic about who I am. If you can’t handle me then we aren’t meant to be, rock star or not.

I don’t know where this pothole-riddled road will take me, but riding that road across the world in a tour bus or two has made for a pretty fun trip so far. Party on.

Xoxo
Bradley

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