I am not what most would call a man of high-dollar tastes. The only suit I ever owned was from J.C. Penney’s and I readily admit to not seeing a problem with calling a pot of Kraft Mac n’ Cheese with hot dog chunks in it dinner. When it comes to The Hooch, things are different -- I love the good stuff but I don’t obsess over it. Okay, yes, I fucking do, but I still understand there comes a time when the only point to drinking is to get loaded. Like when you get dumped by a woman with a mustache or you need to forget how you sharted in that Old Navy changing room when you tried to pull a left cheek sneak. And that’s where the cheap shit comes in. But, being the discerning prick that I am, I still want to bitch about it. And, if at all possible, make a poop and/or dick joke at the same time. That being said, welcome to the inaugural edition of Plissken’s Shit Booze Review.

First on the chopping block is a delightful little beverage I procured the other day at the 7-11 across the street called Earthquake High Gravity Lager. Brewed in LaCrosse, Wisconsin, this bad boy weighs in at a whopping 12.0% alcohol by volume and is sold “on special” at two for three bucks. Bring a fiver and you’ll have enough left over to get one of those eternally rolling hot dogs or some plastic cheese nachos. Trust me, you’ll want something on your stomach before this shit hits it.

The Pour



Notice the complete lack of head. If I wanted this little head, I’d be dating a prudish Catholic girl from Indiana with her jaw wired shut. Don’t believe the hype kids, head on your beer is a good thing, delivering both increased aroma and flavor that are critical to the enjoyment of a proper pint. Poorer examples will often lack this trait, as their body has been overly thinned by large additions of adjuncts such as corn or rice. These adjuncts contribute simple sugars to the beer which are much more easily digested by yeast than the sugars brought forth from barley alone. Simply put, a shit ton of it in a beer like this means a lot more alcohol without making the beer thick and hard to slam. Undesirable traits one looks for in what is essentially liquid crack.

The Aroma

Earthquake is hard to explain. How do I put it exactly? Imagine a pile of sweet corn. Now imagine a pile of old aluminum siding. Now make those two piles fuck and then somehow have a child in defiance of all that is holy. Now smell that child. That is what Earthquake High Gravity Lager smells like. Corn siding.

The Flavor

As I savored the first sip, I noticed something unusual -- I didn’t go blind, so it passed the first test. As the rush of knowing I wasn’t poisoned faded, the flavor did not. The alcohol scorch dominated the first sip, making its presence known in a punchy fashion that takes your breath away. Sort of like going into the unisex toilet at work right after that guy Carl who always eats the microwave burritos out of the vending machine. Following the shock of the 12.0% comes a strange saccharin sweetness, a side effect of using large quantities of the aforementioned adjuncts. While I did find it unpleasant at first sip, I noticed that it faded over time. Most likely, this was simply a side effect of my taste buds dying. Either way, once that first gulp was down and over it became almost bearable. Not good, but bearable.

The Verdict

It’s shit. But you knew that going in didn’t you? Does it get you where you want to go? Yes, but it also may lead to you waking up at 3 A.M on a Greyhound bus to Ogallala, Nebraska with no pants on and a penis permanent markered on your cheek. Drink it very cold and with caution. And have some Tylenol ready for the morning

6/10 stars

SnakePlissken thinks 12 steps are more appropriate to fall down than follow.