Welcome to the first Gentleman’s Guide. In these articles, I will try to help guide the befuddled, the confused, and the perpetually horny into the realm of polite society. Before I’m done, I’ll have you all in tuxedos . . . even the girls.

TITS!

Breasts come in all sorts of sizes, shapes, colors, and firmnesses. Some are inked, some are hole-y. Some have nipples that could poke out an eye, some keep their inside at all times. Most don’t come in perfectly matched sets unless they have been under a doctor’s supervision.

Women have them. Men have them. All humans are born with them.

Breasts are:

They’re also knockers.

For now, we’re going to be looking at the female breast.

I feel better. I bet you do, too.

Much of the women’s fashion industry is concentrated on breasts. How to make them bigger, how to put them on display, how to conceal them, how to hold them still, how to keep too much from showing. Breasts have changed from their original design roles as udders into fashion accessories.

But how are we supposed to look at breasts while they’re out in public? This is a conundrum that has confused mankind (and some womenkind . . . ) ever since the first cave-woman picked up her own club and tapped out the message “Hey! My eyes are up here!” on her Neanderthal’s skull.

Let us look at some scenarios.

Situation 1.

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

Here we have a young lady out shopping. She is dressed quite comfortably for the summer season in a pair of shorts and a tank top. It is probably quite warm outside, and I would imagine (at least for our purposes) that she dressed this morning with comfort instead of fashion in mind. But alas, the store’s air conditioning is working quite well, and as soon as she steps in the door . . . PING! Turkey’s done. (yes, I stole that from Robin Williams.)

When confronted with such a situation, many a man’s eyes will become locked on target. He will find it difficult to tear his eyes away from her chest. Why? Simple.

“he he he . . .look. Nipples.”

This is not gentlemanly behavior. This woman is a stranger, and as such, we have no idea if she is wanting attention or not. The fact that she is out clothes shopping suggests that she has other things than “I wonder if I can get guys to look at my tits” on her mind. But what are we to do?
Simple. Take a glance, then move away. If you look any longer than it takes you to think “yep, those are nipples” you switch from glancing to ogling. And ogling is rude behavior, which can (and should) invite reactions such as:

a. The angry glare.
b. The “look at that fucking moron” comment to a girlfriend which will lead to the double angry glare
c. The gorilla-sized boyfriend beating you with your own femur.


Situation 2.

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

Ahh, Europe. The food. The wine. The open minded acceptance that nipples are not illegal in public areas. For we Americans, the sight of a beachful of bare-breasted women can be a shocking experience. Particularly when grandma walks by.

But here we have a trio of young ladies quite happily posing for a photograph. As you can quite plainly see, none of them are new to the idea of bare-boobed-beaching. To them, it is natural and comfortable, and they see nothing wrong with having tanned teats.

How is a gentleman supposed to comport himself in this situation?

Should you find yourself on such a beach, the best idea is to simply change your way of thinking. Yes, breasts are (secondarily) sex features, and can give a great deal of pleasure to both partners when correctly handled in the proper situation. But in the here and now of a topless beach, they are nothing more than bumps of skin. They are not being displayed for your titillation or gratification. They are not being displayed for sex or as a lure. They are not being displayed at all. They are uncovered because it is a hot day at the beach and the social norms of the area do not see breasts as a threat to national security.

And if you can’t keep your eyes to yourself, invest in a pair of sunglasses and keep your head pointed as if you are looking slightly off to the side. Staring directly at them will possibly make the girl self-conscious and could ruin her day at the beach. And if you do that, you’re just a son-of-a-bitch.

Situation 3.

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

Here we have Paris Hilton. Notice that the picture is slightly blurry. This is because the photographer felt that a certain distance was needed to avoid the radiation of EEEEEEVIL!!!™ she has been known to secrete. However, this is not about her. This is about how she is dressed.

What we have here is the classic nipple-slip (or nip-slip to the kids). This can be caused by inattention to the depth of cleavage being shown, a sudden movement with poorly designed double-sided tape, or an overzealous publicist who hasn’t seen their client’s name in the tabloids for a week. Most women are more attentive to their clothes, and real-life nipple slips are rare.

However, if you should see one, a Gentleman should know what to do. If the person in question is not a celebrity, revert to the glimpse rules. She is not looking for attention, and when she notices what has happened she will most likely be quite embarrassed. Under no circumstances point it out to the woman in question. Instead, if you can mention it to your girlfriend (then duck) or somehow catch the eye of the person the woman in question is with, they can have a quick and quiet word with the woman, avoiding embarrassment for all. If both you and she are alone, a discreet “ahem” followed by a wordless gesture towards her chest while you look at the ceiling will minimize the problem.
If the woman is a celebrity, try to sell the photo to TMZ. I get half the cash.

There are many other scenarios. You may note that I have not dealt with the cleavage factor. That is because cleavage is almost always a form of display and, while it is meant in most cases to draw the eye, the glimpse rules apply. I say most because there are some women who may not want to be showing cleavage but have little choice. Do you have any idea how difficult it can be to buy a t-shirt that will cover DD cups, but still form-fit underneath them? Most often the results are covered breasts and a shirt that hangs to her knees or a shirt that fits but the top half of her breasts are bared to the world.

To simplify it all, if you aren’t actually in a strip club or about to take off a willing woman’s bra, it is best to keep to quick glimpses and polite, mature behavior. They are breasts. She was born with them. She has had little say in how they grew, what shape they take, or how they react to a cool breeze. Remember, a woman is a person, and you are much more likely to get a smile if you look her in the eye.

And a smiling woman is much more likely to show you her tits in the long run than a woman who thinks from the start that you’re no Gentleman.