Last column we looked at the importance of being willing to walk away from a relationship when you aren't getting what you want. Today, we’re going to talk about commitment -- the importance of choosing to stay.

It‘s a paradox, but relationships are all about opposing forces. Desire and restraint. Tension and comfort. Anticipation and release. Those forces need to be balanced, but it’s a dynamic, ever-shifting balance. Relationships are like kisses in that respect -- the tension is steady, but never static. There are constant changes in mood and pressure, explorations and withdrawals, give and take, tenderness and aggression. Lips moving, tongues dancing, hands skimming along backs, soft sighs as bodies press together, fitting perfectly as time seems to disappear and all that remains is an endless now of sensation, until -- unable to hold back -- you grab her hair, drive her against the wall and…

Um…what was I talking about? Oh yeah, commitment.

Now, keep in mind we aren’t talking about giving the other person the sun, moon, and stars. In fact, early in the relationship, that kind of devotion is creepy. But you do need to demonstrate enough commitment to be trustworthy. A simple example would be a lone gentleman who is flirting with a trio of women at the bar. Nothing can happen until either he decides which woman he‘s going to hit on or until one of the women signals her friends via Girl ESP or a strategic washroom conference that she‘s into this one.

I often think of commitment as romantic currency. When you‘re going into business with a new partner, you want to each have the same amount of Devotion-Dollars © on the table. He buys a drink; She tells him about herself. She drops a hint about a play she’d like to see; he suggests they go together. He takes care of her cat for the weekend; she helps him understand the importance of furnishing his apartment with decent drapes.

Of course, for things to move forward, the level of Commitment-Bux ™ in the pot has to increase. In heterosexual relationships, it theoretically works like this: the female signals receptivity; the man reads the signal and leads in a forward direction accordingly; the female follows. Sometimes that’s even the way it happens in the real world. Most often though, romantic reality follows a rigid and scientifically verifiable pattern that we in the professional dating community refer to as “a clusterfuck.” Yet somehow, some way, you crazy amateurs make it work(*) --which makes me wonder why you need our expert advice in the first place (**).

I digress.

There’s another kind of commitment. I call it the Switch, and it isn’t measured in phone calls, dinners, or blowjobs. It doesn‘t happen in every relationship, but if you can recognize it in yourself when it happens, it will bring you a lot of clarity.

The Switch is the moment your desire to stay in the relationship outweighs your willingness to walk away. It’s lying awake annoyed in bed thinking, “This man being snores like Darth Vader with a chest cold…and I’m going to stay with him anyway.”

The Switch can be exhilarating. It can be scary. It can also happen without you even realizing, so it’s important to pay attention. If your Switch has been flipped, it’s time to have a talk with the other person about taking the relationship to the next level. If you don’t feel the Switch, it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together, you are fooling yourself if you think you can fake it. The Switch is a powerful internal commitment, but if it isn’t there, it can’t be forced. Similarly, if it IS there, it’s a hard thing to turn off.

All this is complicated enough. But to compound the situation you have to remember that the other person also has a Switch. And you have no control over if or when it goes off. There are also no reliable clues to tell you if the person has Switched. Some people have a habit of hiding their attachment to a person until they know their feelings will be reciprocated. Others pretend to have emotions they aren’t feeling.

It can be messy. Which is why I recommend a) staying true to your own feelings, and b) letting the other person know what those feelings are. Maybe they share your level of commitment. Maybe they want more…or less. Or maybe they don’t know. Maybe they need an indication of where you‘re at before they make a decision about how much to invest emotionally.

They will do what they are going to do, but at least they won’t be able to use “I didn‘t know you felt that way” as an excuse.

Neither should you. Now go out and make somebody happy.

(*) One of the things that makes being a dating geek so much fun is just as you think you have relationships figured out, you see or experience something that makes you throw your hands up and go, “I have no idea what‘s going on.” My favorites are couples that beat the odds. It’s wonderful to hear a story that lets you still believe in magic.

(**) But I’m glad you ask. It makes me feel helpful. Also, it beats getting a real job.


Dan Brodribb is a professional stand-up comic and writer. He is currently working on a book called Dating for Shy Guys. Learn more about him at: danbrodribb.blogspot.com.